Rehearsal Dinner - What's proper?

She shouldn't have invited them. I'd have her make the uncomfortable calls.

I don't think it's mandatory, but it's quite common and kind to invite OOT guests to the RD. After all, they are going through the the biggest effort and expense to be there for you and it's nice to spend some extra time visiting with them. In some families/circles it's commonplace which is probably why your mom didn't think twice about mentioning it to people she's been talking to. On the other hand, I don't think you're doing anything wrong etiquette wise by not inviting them, but as a guest who flew in or drove several hours to be there I would be disappointed if I weren't invited but I'd get over it.

You do not have to invite out of town guests. It is a nice gesture, but not required. However, it was pretty rude to basically "take back" invitations after your mom had already invited them. Your mom was wrong (she shouldn't have done that) but uninviting people is super rude. I can't imagine doing that.

We went to an out of state wedding and since pretty much the entire 200 people invited were traveling in, it was only bridal party and immediate traveling family. No one else cared, they hit up Bar Louie for happy hour drinks and food lol. If your mom REALLY wants them to come, tell her she needs to chip in. If not, she can take them out on her own.

We did wedding party and their spouses, officiant and his spouse, flower girls and their parents, and immediate family. My in-laws also invited their relatives who flew in (they were hosting), but I didn't ask to have any additional relatives or friends come because at that point it would have gotten out of hand. In general, I've usually only been invited to a rehearsal dinner when I was helping out with the wedding in some way. Hosting out of town guests is a nice courtesy if you can, but isn't necessarily realistic if the bulk (or all) of your guests are not local.

We did do a casual meet up at a bar after the rehearsal dinner for all guests. We didn't pay for anything, just circulated the message verbally that we'd be at X Bar after 8pm if anyone wanted to come by to say hi and mingle with other guests. It was fun, and a great way to spend time with our guests outside the wedding. A few guests also took it as an opportunity to introduce themselves and make new friends, which carried into the next day.

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I don't think you're expected to pay, though I have been to weddings where they've done that! We're doing this as well - keeping our rehearsal just to party, sig o's and immediate family, and our wedding is similarly about 95% out of towners. We included a note on our wedding website to "say hello to the bride and groom," but it's at a bar. I felt that got the point across that the idea was to see us and hang out, not to expect us to pay.

View Quoted Comment I hate doing it but she invited 20 people. Can’t afford to pay for them and neither can FH and I. And I won’t ask his parents to because that’s not fair. Everyone I’ve talked to has understood so that’s good.

Just to clarify, the RD must be hosted. People are not expected to pay at the RD. It's literally meant as a "thank you".

We have a lot of out of town guests too. Our rehearsal dinner is just bridal party, their dates, and immediate family. We are having an informal welcome event for out of town guests after the rehearsal dinner. It's in the hotel bar and it'll just be an opportunity to grab some drinks together and say hello. I think if you're initial plan was just fine. Your mother shouldn't be inviting people without your okay.

I posted about this a while ago too and got some mixed responses. The general consensus was that you don’t need to invite OOT guests. Especially in your situation where 85% of the guests are traveling, that is not expected of you.

I think if you’re interested in doing something for OOT guests, a welcome BBQ is more fitting. The rehearsal in my mind is for family and of course those who actually rehearsed.

View Quoted Comment I 100% agree. My FILs are paying for the dinner which is why I don’t want extra people making the of a burden on them.

Is inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner nice? Sure.

Is inviting OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner required? Hell no.

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I agree!!! ^^^^^^^^^

I'm having a lot of out of town guests and unfortunately it just won't be feasible to pay for everyone's dinner twice(wedding and rehersal dinner) the rehersal dinner is traditionally for the wedding party so you can make plans for the wedding day. You don't want a lot of people there bc that would defeat the purpose. Also that is the time to give the wedding party their gifts so you can't possibly include everyone else in that too. I am just doing wedding party plus spouse at rehersal dinner.

My mother-in-law just said the same thing as your mom. Except I'm renewing my vows so I don't even think there is a rehearsal dinner for those. Even then, it should only be for the people involved in the ceremony and their plus ones.

She's stubborn so I'm tempted to tell her that it's all up to her and on her dime. She wants to help me so bad, she can pay for the dinner.

I'm beginning to remember the other reasons why I got eloped in the first place. You have my sympathies.

Maybe try asking if she's willing to help since it was her idea to alter the reception dinner to include out of town family? Maybe ask if she's willing to host her own out of town family dinner?

I feel like we're going to both have to have 'the talk' with the moms when it's all said and done.

If most of your guests are from out of town then no it wouldn't make sense to invite them. If there isn't space for them and you can't afford it then def either have the awkward conversations or tell your mom to do it since she shouldn't be inviting anyone if she's not even paying. Like someone else said, you don't have to host 2 receptions so tell them they can't come to the rehearsal but you can't wait to see them at the wedding.

That’s so not acceptable of your mom. I’d sit down with her and have a heart to heart and tell her it’s not in the budget and you know it’s a really nice offer but unless it’s coming out of her pocket she’s not to invite anyone else and she also needs to contact the OOT guests and let the know of the miscommunication and that you’d love to meet up afterwards at a bar or something. We are having a MOH and BM and parents and that alone is 11 people. I can’t fathom having like a 12 person BP and SOs and parents what the cost of something like that would be. Yikes!!!

We are only doing the people involved in the wedding. We are having a DH and it’s goong to be on the beach. We are offering a 2 hour boat cruise after the DH for everyone otherwise it would be like a second reception the at the RD. The next day we are doing a newlywed send off brunch with all our guests. Our wedding is going to consist of about 30 people. We definitely were going to do the boat cruise regardless of the cost since it’s on the beach and we thought it would be nice if people wanted to go out on the water but maybe not go thru all the rigmarole of renting a boat for themselves. The brunch we were crunching numbers and trying to figure out how we could make it work. The wedding and reception are at a hotel where we’d be staying so the brunch would also be there. Anyways, we were looking at other venues for the brunch or kinda a lite small brunch. So our situation is somewhat different.

You do not need to invite oot guests. It’s a nice gesture but unnecessary

View Quoted Comment I respectfully disagree if the plan is to have OOT guests come to the same place that the rehearsal dinner was hosted. It feels like those guests are second tier, they're good enough to come for a drink but not to be fed. However, if everyone is going out somewhere afterwards, like a local bar, then I think that is okay.

I was part of a WP where this happened, WP and parents only (no SOs, but that's another issue) were invited to the groom's parents' house for dinner and all the relatives and friends were invited for dessert and drinks after. More than one comment was made about "oh it sounds like dinner was delicious, I wish we were able to make it".

You don't need to invite OOT guests to the RD. You can have them meet at a bar (preferably one at a different location than the RD) for something like a welcome party. Usually though if you’re hosting you’re expected to pay so if you have other guests meet for drinks after the RD you’d likely have to foot the bill.