Requesting rsvp during Save the Date?

I don't know what wording you can use to ask so early without coming off as rude. Unfortunately, not knowing who will make it is a risk you take with destination weddings. People's plans change, so the early RSVP is unlikely to be accurate anyway. Send a save the date at about 6-9 months out or so without requesting an RSVP. People will likely start to indicate, particularly if they plan to attend. In general, it's a good idea to expect 100% attendance so that you won't be caught short.

I wouldn't expect anyone to RSVP to a Save The Date. Since it's a destination wedding, send the Save The Dates around 8 months in advance (make sure you book a venue first so that you can list the location on the Save The Dates), so that people can start looking into their travel arrangements if they plan to attend. Send the invitations around 8 weeks before the wedding, and people will RSVP to those. Book a venue that can accommodate at least the number of people you plan to invite - attendance by 100% of those invited is possible, and it's better to plan as if everyone will attend, just in case.

An option might be to call people directly and tell them, "hey, we're getting married on this day, at this time, in this location, do you think you can make it? Were trying to get a head count for seating".
To get an accurate accounting of guests, it would be suitable to get your own logistics figured out.

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Again, this applies pressure to people to make a commitment very early. Long before work and school schedules etc have been finalized.

As you've stated, you do not even know yet what state you want to get married in. You do not have a date until you have a venue. Once you book a venue, then you have an established place/date and then can send Save the Dates. I understand, being that you want a December wedding, letting people know as soon as possible because of all of the other obligations that come with the holiday season. However, until you've established your venue, there is no date to save at the moment.

The mothers are both wrong. Don’t do this. Get all the details finalized before you bring up any save the date information. And if someone is unable attend, you don’t fill seats with filler invites. No one can rsvp to a save the date, because no one can say for certain what they are doing 6 months ahead and some employers don’t give final schedules before 4 weeks, which is when rsvps are traditionally due for a reason.


If you do this, you will only make people feel pressured to say yes on the spot. And then you don’t have room to be upset later when they can’t attend.

It wouid be considered inappropriate and unreasonable to ask for an RSVP that far out. Not only is it not possible to predict conflicts that far out, etiquette views the attempt to “get ahead” of others in this way to be overly competitive. There’s no reason you need a head count any farther ahead than would normally be required as per any caterer’s timeline.


What you can do is let people know via website or word of mouth if it’s recommended to reserve a room ahead of time. Destination weddings can cause complications all around for many reasons, which is why I’m not a fan of them, but they don’t justify special exceptions.

Given that you have no information to provide your guests (location, most importantly), there's no way they could even give you an answer. How is someone supposed to know if they can travel to an unknown location without being able to research any costs?