Rich cousins but no wedding gift??

I’m not sure how close you are to this cousin but what jumped out at me in your description is they’re rich and are described as rich because they have a big house, nice car, and expensive things. Not many people think this way, but it sounds like that’s not being rich, that’s being in major debt. Maybe they stretched themselves too thin keeping up with the Jones, maybe they forgot their checkbook or to stop at the ATM (done that before and mailed it later), or maybe they’re simply rude.


Either way you only got married less than a week ago. We got married about a month and a half ago and received delayed cards & gifts in the mail last week. Vent away but remember to enjoy your newlywed bliss. Don’t let their potential negativity pull you in with it. Congrats by the way!

1) December 13th is my birthday and Friday the 13ths are the best!

2) Etiquette dictates your guests have up to one full year to give you a gift. I know this because my FH really likes to push the limit on this. We often give gifts and cards late, because sometimes we get a better idea of what a couple still needs/really wants once the wedding has past, and - if you want to focus on the money - we'd rather give a gift late than give a gift at the wedding and underestimate how much to give (sometimes you only realize the couple went all out on the food and open bar at the reception, and I'm not in the habit of writing last minute checks at the gift table). It's only been 5 days since your wedding - its too early to be pissed about this.

Wedding gifts are customary. But not required. No , you cannot say anything without being considered the rude one. But I, and most others I think, agree that they should give a gift. Not because of what you spent, that was your choice, and a gift is not an admission ticket. But if they have enough family feeling to want to see you married, they should be happy to wish you well, and give you something for your home and happiness. Too many people focus entirely on themselves, all take, never give.

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Clearly you wouldn't have accepted just a card, since you're also complaining about the cost of the shower gifts they gave.

I disagree with not saying anything. You can always send a message or a call saying you didn’t see a card from them and wanted to make sure it wasnt lost.


However, if your brother got married first and this is how they were, you kinda knew this was coming.
Also those who don’t have, usually are more generous. My one friend was floored what I gave him for his wedding. When you care, you care.

View Quoted Comment So true! Both of us went to 17 weddings in the year we got married, one day he was in one in NY, and I was in one over 500 miles away. 4 were one of our siblings, 3 first cousins we were close to. Total of 9 where one of us was in the WP and did the clothes, solo did a shower or a men's bach party, and not in family ones, so doing for friends. And in spite of getting out of grad school the previous year, first year , and earning our entire 15 K wedding budget from second jobs, our first to live on and pay school loans, we managed gifts of $250 to $300, half of either of our regular week's pay, for every one. Once we had wedding money, he worked an ambulance crew and I pulled nursing shifts, after our day jobs, about 8 weeks longer, to afford gifts, clothes and travel to those weddings. Some gifts were gifts of labor. Friends getting married with newly bought fixer uppers, and a few of us friends with skills/ licenses gave gifts like, will remodel your kitchen, master carpenter cabinetry, parquet floors from scratch 2 3/8 " deep), hard tile floor, redoing kitchens and bathrooms with them buying fixtures. An electrician and a plumber and a stonemason amongst us. Hours of labor, maybe only $100 from each of us in materials. But what they would have paid thousands for. When not doing what each of us was skilled at, we sanded, painted, fetched and carried and held in place for others. However broke, a gift of 2-3 days 20 or so hours labor plus some materials, from 6-10 people, said we were all good friends who cared, and broke as most of us were, many recently out of school, or still in, it recently out of the service, if nothing else we would give out time and labor. And not a surprise to us that for one shower and 2 wedding gifts, we got handcut firewood, 5 cords of it on racks they built, for our rented 2 fireplace and a woodstove apt on a lakefront where the power went out when the wind blew, or in storms ( In NH.). We found it true that others who were struggling to get along themselves always came through. Chums making 5 times what we did, for years, unless family, not so much. Perhaps we think of things and money differently, having to work so hard for it ourselves, and our parents' generation before us too.Happy to have friends and family who always do what they can for each other, if not in money then time and labor, quilts and chairs and cabinets and chests. Lots of caring.

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I disagree because now this just caused unnecessary beef between family. I agree with what she said in regards to she vented here to get over but I feel calling someone out because they did not give you a gift is rude and it would make her look superficial. I mean be upset as I do get that but it is not mature to call someone and say I got nothing from you. IMO if it bothers her that much then maybe they do not get an invite to future events. I will say do not let rich people fool you. I have been a teacher for 12 years and I teach students of all different economic backgrounds and it is rarely rich people that give any gift. Sometimes it is my kids who worry about paying for college that give a card or a homemade treat. Someone's financial status does not guarantee you are getting a nice gift, just saying. Do not mean to be rude or harsh in this response but I feel by saying something she basically will be off-putting and cause more drama.

No you can't say anything. Just because someone is "RICH" doesn't mean they are required to spend their money on you. Gifts are nice gestures and you apparently expecting something extravagant but what you chose to spend on your wedding should never reflect what types of gifts you expect to get. Yeah, it is a bummer but it was their choice. Maybe not include them on any future guest list if gifts are expected.

You absolutely canNOT say anything to your cousins about this. You seem very focused on the monetary aspect of things: how much you spent, how much you were given, how much people gave at other weddings, etc. etc. Just because you think you know someone else's financial situation does not mean that you can assume how they will budget or spend their money.

What y'all have chosen to spend on a wedding should not be a reflection of what you expect to get back in gifts - if you view your wedding, or anything in life really, like that then you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. Focus on what is really important here, the fact that you now have a husband and the two of you are happily married. Send thank yous to those who did give gifts and well wishes, and know that everyone else who attended your wedding was there to celebrate you and your husband and spent that time genuinely enjoying your company - eating and sharing stories with you, dancing with you, toasting to your happiness! Give thanks that you were able to have such an extravagant and joy filled wedding, and handle these negative emotions with grace.

Vent away! We paid for my husband’s parents flights from Europe, hotel for a week, tickets to shows and sightseeing they wanted to see (we live in a large city) and most of their meals when they were here. It was expected of us since we both had good jobs. We didn’t expect a gift but a least they could have given us a card with good wishes. He was hurt.

I have never shared this with anyone before and I have to say it feels good.

Venting is good. Calling people out on not giving a gift is NOT! It's not going to help in any way, and will likely create additional awkwardness & drama -- and it kind of sounds like there might be enough of that already. And, I agree with others about material items not in any way indicating wealth.... There's an awesome (and now old) book called "The Millionaire Next Door," that explains that the vast majority of truly "rich" people in America are rich because they live simply and save like crazy, by living in more affordable housing/neighborhoods, driving used older cars, etc., while statistically, those with huge houses, new high-end cars, etc., are more likely to just have a LOT of debt and very little actual wealth.... You really can't know people's financial status based on what they surround themselves with. (Some of us happily fly under the radar! )

I’m with you. I think it’s wild someone wouldn’t even give a card with a nice note inside... but honestly some people just aren’t as considerate as you are. And I get it, it’s not even about the gift. It’s the sentiment behind it. Not bothering to give even a card makes it feel like they don’t care enough about you to show a bit of appreciation. But they sure will show up to your wedding and eat the food... idk some people are just like that, and it’s really unfortunate, but it’s just something you have to let go. I’m sorry!

I do see why you would be miffed because personally i would feel rude not bringing a gift but at the same time like you said, we cannot expect them so unfortunately it is what it is.

Vent away!! I agree that it is rude to not bring at least a card to a wedding. I would take the high road and not mention it.

(Now this is a petty joke) You could always skip the kids' birthday gifts this year, and if one of them calls and asks where it is, you could reply "I'll send them when I get my wedding gift" LOL. Once again, that was a joke haha

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Agreed!!!!

It was in poor taste for them not to bring a gift, but of course gifts are never expected. Hold your head up and say nothing about it to them or any other family. If you say anything about it, you'll look like you're greedy and petty.

Remember, money doesn't buy class.

If you said something, I'd assume the relationship with your cousins will be over immediately and anyone who hears you pointed out they didn't give a gift would probably be pretty judgmental. I would just move on. We spent over $60,000 on our wedding and several people didn't give gifts that make enough money to afford one. We didn't care at all. They could have easily forgotten or thought they sent a card but didn't, or just not been able to afford one at the moment, or not thought it was needed. Whatever the reason, it's none of my business. They may have meant to get a card but didn't, I'm sure they didn't even think about it. I myself would never go to a wedding and not gift a card + money, but not everyone thinks about those things.

This whole post makes me terribly sad. I cannot imagine keeping score with gifts (sounds like you did get some shower gifts but it's hard to tell the way you have written this), focusing so much attention on others' bank accounts, and thinking that how much you chose to spend on your wedding reception means you "deserve" more and bigger gifts. Enjoy being married.