RSVPs with a side of guilt....the ever-popular plus one dilemma

ETA - We are including live-in couples, engaged, married, both ppl if we are friends with both, long-term couples, etc. But no invite said, "And Guest" and we aren't inviting new, possibly flavor-of-the-month people. I understand being single at a wedding can suck, I've done it, but I think people should feel honored to receive an invite, and figure they can catch up with their SO at the after-party, or the next day. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying we don't want strangers there - it will make me soooo anxious to walk down the aisle in a room full of unfamiliar faces.

Oohh noooo! Shannon, I completly understand. My family is huge and our guest list is just out of control. We decided to do the "_____ seats have been reserved in your honor" thing to just so that Aunt so and so with her and her kids and friends and their friends cousins don't show (my fam is famous for doing that). And now you have me worried about how it will be preceived. In all honesty, I dont think people realize that when it comes to weddings, capacity and money is usually a factor!! So it is kinda rude to expect to bring extras...especially if you don't know the additional guest. That 'extra' seat could have gone to someone who was on your B-list! On the other hand, if I was inviting someone who I know may not know others at the wedding..I would have made and exception and ok'd the plus one.

Ya, that's always awkward ..next time just have FH really drill home about that 90 person capacity and say something like "oh we couldn't invite all the people we wanted" or something..you did fine by inviting serious couples and i think it's good you have insight about what you are comfortable with ahead of time too with regards to your stage fright :-). They'll get over it!

Some people have a nerve.... Don't feel bad, your FH did great an the guests should be grown ups.

Jennifer - well, it's a small wedding where everyone will know everyone else - FS and I are sort of the cruise directors/party planners of our group, and a lot of our friends are close to each other through us. So nobody is going to be sitting in a corner in a room full of strangers.

I'd anticipated pushback on the rsvp cards, because people don't really think beyond themselves - it's basic human nature. People think, "Oh, what's one more person?" What I am sooo tempted to do is every time that happens, send someone a copy of our guest list and say, "OK, you want to bring a date? Tell me who I'm supposed to cut - FS' uncle? My college roommate? My work BFF? Let me know!"

@Valerie - FS is the enforcer. He's kind of a hardass, and not as much of a people-pleaser as I am. Which is one of the reasons we work - I soften his rough edges and keep things tactful, and he's tough when we need that. If I hadn't warned him ahead of time that people would bug him about plus-ones, and gave him suggested answers, I'm sure he would have responded with something more priceless. Such as, "You know what? There's just no room, if you can't get the hell over it I'm sorry you won't be able to attend."

This is the one aspect of my wedding that will make me go bridezilla. I have been told I am rude for not allowing plus ones and haven't even sent invites yet. However, I think the ceremony musician should get a plus one unless you are paying her. To me that's like saying a MOH can't have a plus one.

Who goes up to someone and gives them a hard time about that? RUDE! We are doing no plus ones. If someone has a long term relationship, great, if not than they can come alone.

Amy- I disagree. I think the ceremony musician and the MOH certainly shouldn't get a plus one. That's even worse! Not only is the stranger having to go to a wedding where they don't know the couple, but they will be sitting there alone! The musician and the MOH have other duties to tend to and can't entertain their own guest.

But I hate when people think it's okay to bring a complete stranger to one of the most intimate events in a person's life.

Shannon we are not doing plus ones except for the Bridal party, and of course long term relationships and husband and wives. i am not sure if I could handle strange people I never met in my entire life to my wedding staring at me! lol thats strange that people who never met you would even care about coming. I wouldn't go to a wedding of a person I never met and I sure don't want someone at mine that I never met. Its bizzare...

Don't feel bad about it, I'm going to do the same thing. Our budget is for 150 max and to get there, half of our guest has to come alone, of course we're invited both married, long time relationships etc... but everyone we know that are singles, we'll be sure to let them know from the get-go, no plus ones. We really can't afford. And everyone at my job also, I don't know their spouses or boyfriend for that matter. They should all understand especially in this economy

@Meghan - Thanks for the support! We aren't doing plus ones for anybody - not wedding party, not for anyone. Honestly, there just isn't room for extra people. And if I walk into a room full of people I don't really know, I will feel anxious during the ceremony when I should feel happy and relaxed. So, no guests, full stop.

I should've refresh, on the other hand I do believe that everyone in the bridal party should be allowed a plus one unless they have friends at the wedding, the reason I said that it's because I've seen bridesmaid and groomsmen get stuck at the reception sites after everything's over because they don't have a ride home. Most of the time the BP ride in the limo with the couple, they get dropped off wherever they suppose to get dress so they don't have to their car with them.

@Patricia - Fortunately, I don't have to worry about transportation. The hotel is less than a 15-minute walk from the reception venue, and across the street from a Metro station.

We only sent one invite with a plus one and that was because the person has a long term boyfriend but we didn't want to assume that he would come by putting his name on the invite. Our entire bridal party is married so their spouses are invited. FYI the bridal party consists of family so the inlaws attached are invited anyway. Don't feel bad for those who are rude enough to and someone to the rsvp (if that does happen) or those who are rude enough to bring it up in public. Your FH handled it very well.

Well we ran into this problem when it came to the bridal party....because I felt like they had already put so much money (dress, shower, ect.) the least we could do is allow them to bring a date so we did this...... In looking at our bridal party it was only an issue for one... and it's my best friend I beleive she might come with her mom so I'm not worried but if she comes with a date no biggie.... and the other is a groomsmen who doesn't have any girl friend that we know of and his whole immediate family is already invited... so we said no to him and yes to her.....

IMO In your case with that particular person because she is a part of your ceremony I would allow that person to bring a guest if you guestlist allows for one extra. We invited a group of our work collueges but ask them to attend as a group and not bring spouses (not in those words but that was the point) everyone was more than happy to agree...

I honestly never thought about plus one's until I was getting married and joined this site. I think unless you are going through planning a wedding, people truly don't realize what it means when they want to bring a guest. I don't think they are doing it to be rude, they just don't realize the size and cost constraints of a wedding. Unfortunately, it's up to the bride and groom to educate them and it's usually not a fun job during a wonderfully exciting time. I think this is the most stressful part of wedding planning (from what I've seen, I was luckily, mine was a Destination wedding)

@Jennifer - Honestly, there just isn't room for ANY plus-ones. We'd have to stuff them into the rafters, or have them eat in shifts. Room capacity is 90, and that's pushing it. And no one is really "laying out money" for this - no gifts, BP are wearing clothes they already own, no shower, etc.

This isn't an event with a capital E, it's a gathering of close friends and family. I guess where I'm so frustrated is that we've spent the last six months managing expectations - we've said "small wedding, small budget" more times than I can count. But now that the invites are out, everyone wants to bring someone. Gaaaaah!

@Sharon - Fortunately, FS has zero problems with telling people what's what. It's kind of hilarious, actually - he does his lawyer staredown, and people scurry off. What I'm learning is that one, people have NO idea what goes into planning a wedding, and two, our real friends just want to be there and cheer us on, rather than making the event all about themselves.

I'm sure you recall my stance on this, and I don't even care if people know very few of the other guests--it's a freaking wedding. If you truly believe you could not have a good time without bringing your own entertainment to someone else's party, then you are free to decline the invitation. Otherwise, stop trying to invite people to someone else's party--which in almost every other context, even marginally socially "ept" people know is rude!--and just go already.

When I was single, I ENJOYED going to weddings solo. I did usually know at least a few other people there, as is generally the case (there's not usually NO overlap between social circles if you're close enough to be invited), but more importantly, helloooooooo other single guests. Including, on one memorable occasion, the groom's younger brother. :p

I can't stand people like that..... there are friends of mine that are getting married this year. While I am helping some of them do some planning, I would never assume that I was invited! Turns out I am...but just sayin..