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Just Said Yes December 2021

Save the Dates - Disinvite a Relative

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Kaley, on February 25, 2021 at 11:21 AM

My fiance and I planned to get married in Sept 2020, and due to covid we moved the wedding to Sept 2021. We sent out save the dates in 2020 as a New Year card in 2020. And with covid, we had sent out change the dates also in 2020. I have one cousin, who has extremely different political and racial...

I have one cousin, who has extremely different political and racial beliefs than me and my fiance. My fiance and I are liberal, however we respect people who do have differences of opinions of us. This one cousin specifically is popular on Twitter, has gone on several TV shows such as Tucker Carlson, and has continued to spread lies, misinformation, and has tweeted out several tweets that are racist, homophobic, and just outright inappropriate. Our values and beliefs could not be more opposite of hers, and it has gotten to a point where the thought of her at my wedding literally makes my blood boil.

We haven't sent out formal invites yet, and only sent out save the dates and change the dates which she was included in (my parents choice not mine). But what I have seen and heard come out of her mouth for the past year and a half have just been disgusting a foul, and even though we have not sent out formal invites yet, I do not want her at my wedding.

Since she was included in save and change the dates, I do not know how to proceed after this. We do not have a relationship really, and only see each other at major life events (weddings and funerals).

Is it completely uncalled for to uninvite her? Or is it uninviting if we never sent out formal invites? I feel like it still needs to be addressed since she was included in save and change the dates. But both my fiance and myself are extremely uncomfortable with her being there. Help?

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27 Comments

Dedicated March 2021
Annika · on February 26, 2021 at 3:50 AM
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Family drama or not, this person would not be invited to my wedding. I get people have different believes and what not, but as soon as someone becomes racist, they’ll be put in their place and, as it is in your case, disinvited to my wedding.

It’s not someone I’d be comfortable having around (especially not on my wedding day!) and I would not want to offend my guests or make them feel uncomfortable. We can’t choose who our family is and sometimes we have to set boundaries. As uncomfortable as it may be to confront them.
Maybe send her a note and let her know that, while your wedding is still going on, you decided to exclude her from the guest list because you’ve grown increasingly uncomfortable with her views. This will at least make it clear that she’s not invited. Personally I’d hate being in any way associated with a person like that.
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Expert November 2020
Shirley · on February 26, 2021 at 6:25 AM
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Same. I find some of their views downright offensive but this never crossed my mind, and some of them directly affect me. Maybe it should have? I don't know, I don't have the energy for that
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on February 26, 2021 at 8:37 AM
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I work with/am friends with people who have a variety of social and political views. But they aren’t jerks and don’t enjoy starting trouble, that’s the key.
A Twitter personalty who enjoys stirring up trouble is a whole other ball game, IMO. I wouldn’t socialize with them because I prefer to be around people who don’t enjoy being angry.
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Dedicated August 2024
Ivory · on April 13, 2021 at 3:15 PM
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That last paragraph is so important. When bigots are still welcomed to special events, you are telling them their bigotry is not something that actually has consequences, even if you have told them you strongly disagree with them. Because why should they care what you think? You're still accepting them as rotten as they are, that's enough for them. It's only when we put our foot down to people like that that they actually realize their hate isn't acceptable.
(To be clear, when I say "you", I'm not talking about OP or anyone in this thread specifically, just about people in general.)
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HRhodes · on April 14, 2021 at 12:18 PM
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I don't think you should uninvite her solely because she has different political views than you. Surely she was saying those things before you invited her, right? She may keep her mouth shut at the wedding and not even be near you at all. But at the same time, you should have people at your wedding that you want to be there and feel supported by.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on April 14, 2021 at 12:42 PM
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If I uninvited everyone from my wedding whose political views offended me, I would have a much smaller wedding. My guests are good people with differing views, and even though I find some of those views offensive, I don't think they come from a place of hate. If I had a guest who was a provocateur, that would be more off-putting to me. It's a fine line between pundit and provocateur, so without context I don't really know if your cousin should be uninvited or not. I wouldn't uninvite a pundit just because they have beliefs I don't like.
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Just Said Yes September 2021
Natalie · on April 15, 2021 at 1:00 AM
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If you feel like your cousin is going to create problems or get into arguments then don't invite them. It is YOUR wedding, you can invite who you want and who you don't want. Do not let your parents or other family members guilt you into inviting her if you really don't want to.
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