Scared of Marriage...cold Feet Normal?

I can't speak to your relationship, because these are feelings unique to you and something I feel should be discussed with your significant other. However, your therapist should not be telling you what to do with your life. It sounds to me that if at all possible you should look for a therapist that shares your same religious views. In my experience therapists who share religious views with their clients are able to more effectively help their clients. Also perhaps couples counseling could help (not premarital counseling through your church). I do not think you are the first one to experience these thoughts, but these fears arent something you should have to live with. Best of luck to you!

If you don’t want to move in with your FH you shouldn’t no matter the reason. You really shouldn’t if you have these doubts about the relationship in general. Marriage won’t fix his issue. I agree with you that love is a choice and you have to decide to stay in a relationship, with that being said the most important relationship is with yourself. If you are unhappy that is what the issue is. If he likes something you find disgusting that probably makes him unattractive to you and in all honesty unless his fetish’s has to do with rape or children he deserves to enjoy it whether you like it or not. That’s nothing wrong with you or him but maybe you just aren’t ment to be and that’s okay. Try some journaling or whatever thing that helps you find clarity. I hope You find your way. I’ve been there before broke off that engagement went through a tough time rebuilt my life and now I’m married the most perfect person!

Due to your want to not cohabitate it’s probably hard for the average person to give you advice and I’d imagine it would be difficult for a non-Catholic therapist to help. I’d also recommend seeing a therapist with your religious views but not through the church (I feel like they are not properly trained to help with this kind of stuff and it has to much crossover if you know them).

View Quoted Comment Kayla pretty much hit the nail on head. I’m honestly curious what the fetish is... some I agree are odd but as long as it doesn’t harm anyone and doesn’t involve rape/children I don’t see the problem.

As a fellow Catholic, I advise you to think long and hard about getting married if you’re unsure. As you know, there is no divorce once you’re married through the church. Would you consider getting married through court, live together and then getting married through church? You mentioned you’re a virgin. Does his fetish scare you or disgust you? Have you spoken to your priest about this? I know it’s uncomfortable, but my husband (married through court, getting married through church in June) and I talked to our Deacon about our personal issues and such during our marriage prep interview. He gave us lots of good suggestions and helped us sort through some doubts.

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but fetishes are pretty much hard-wired. And this one is so important to him that he's kept bringing it up, even though you displayed no interest in it. Even if he tries to give it up for you, he's going to continue to want it. And if he can't have something that is a big part of what turns him on, he's likely to become more and more dissatisfied with your sex life.

Obviously, you shouldn't be asked to do something that would traumatize you. But it sounds as if there is a basic sexual incompatibility that does not bode well if you get married. No matter how much you may love him, it may be better for both of you to find someone more sexually compatible.

Have you started marrige counseling with the church? If not you should start last i knew of it was required. Then you should bring up these issues.

I have not lived with my FH, I am Christian, and am currently (have not always been) abstinent. I agree that you should have a counselor that has the same values. I do, and it helps. You stated you are hurt about the past. That, if left unresolved, can harbor resentment. If you feel unsafe (with regards to the fetish) then I would advise not pursuing the marriage right now (that doesn't mean forever). It sounds like your FH is working some things out- which is not uncommon for men in their 20's (and if he hasn't had sex, it's not uncommon for sex related things for men). There was something that bothered me with regards to my FH and we only moved forward with getting married when I knew that no matter what the outcome of the situation was, I would be okay handling it. I realized that he is my best friend and that I would stick by him no matter what he was going through, and I knew he would do the same for me (no ones got it all together). I think you should consider whether you would stay if it took him a long time to resolve his issues, and I think you should ask yourself if he is the best friend you are going to walk through tough, even scary, times with. But mostly, I encourage you to find the right help outside of this website (lol), pray about it, and I wish you peace when you know the answer, no matter the outcome.

I agree with the PP's that said that your therapist should not be telling you what you should do, or not do, as in major life decisions. Their job is to help us gain more clarity so that we may come to that decision on our own and be an peace with it. I was raised Roman Catholic and so I am familiar with the teachings of the church. I understand why people are suggesting that you both live together before marriage, and normally I would encourage a couple to do so for various reasons. That isn't everyone's path though, and I don't think you should compromise your religious and moral views just because it is of the mainstream belief system. I also agree that a therapist who is more familiar with the teachings of Catholicism would be a better fit.

You're asking questions and approaching this from a mature and rational standpoint. That isn't easy, especially when we truly love and care for the other party in the relationship. I give you a lot of credit for doing so, and not just going through the motions hoping that things will change on their own. Doing the research, reading books, and going to marriage counseling is a great place to start. You have valid concerns and it may be best to approach each issue one at a time so you don't get overwhelmed.

I don't know you or your fiancé, so my opinions and any advice based on those opinions, is coming from my own personal experience, but I will give you my best shot.

We change a lot from 17 to 25. I think that out of any decade of our adult lives, we change the most from 20 to 30. That's when we find out footing in the world, develop careers, form our own opinions, become independent, etc. We mature and grow in that decade more than any other. Could it be possible that you may feel deep down that you both have grown as individuals, but maybe instead of going down the same road together, you took the left road and he took the right? Whatever the case, for a healthy relationship and a strong marriage, you have to be on the same page (not be exactly the same on these issues, but compatible) when it comes to finances, moral values, religious views, political views, children, disciple, household dynamics, sex and intimacy, careers, etc. This is the time in our lives where we are figuring all this out, so knowing where you both stand on the important issues as individuals and what each of your expectations out of the marriage are, is a good place to start.

I think it is a really good thing that you were honest with him about his fetish and that he has agreed to work on that. If it is something dangerous, or depraved, like rape/torture (not an adult consensual domination relationship, but an actual rape/torture fetish) or pedophilia, then I strongly caution you to re-evaluate the marriage. But other than that, it is pretty common for everyone to have their "thing". I personally have never been in the situation where myself or my partner was completely disturbed by it that it became a serious barrier of intimacy. I honestly don't know if that is something that he can change or if he will suppress it instead. I encourage you to continue to be open and honest with him. But sexual chemistry is important, especially when it's regarding someone you are preparing to make a life long commitment with.

Feeling confused and torn is completely normal in this situation. I know what it is like to love someone, have a deep affection and friendship with them, have the desire for them to always be a part of one's life, and yet also feeling like continuing the relationship may not be the best thing, to have doubts, and to feel guilty over said doubts. It's not easy and all of that turmoil coupled with depression just adds fuel to the fire of the mess going on in your brain. You are doing what needs to be done though, by taking the steps to seek counseling and by being honest with yourself. It may not sound reassuring now, but you are on the right track to figuring out your best course of action.

I would just put the wedding planning to the side right now until you have a bit more clarity. Could it be just cold feet? Of course. You're facing a HUGE amount of change. Not only will you be getting married, but you will also be living with a significant other for the first time, moving into a new place, Experiencing a full sexual relationship for the first time, and sharing all the "little" things (like morning breath and dirty dishes in the sink) with someone whom you've never had that type of relationship before.... for life. Of course it's a bit scary! So don't beat yourself up about it more than you already have. Honesty with him and honesty with yourself is the key. If you haven't already, then I recommend you pray to God about it. Ask him to help guide you and grant you the clarity you need. I wish you all the best and I hope this essay helped to at least ease your mind a bit, if nothing else.

I definitely agree with PPs that you should get a therapist that understands your beliefs a bit more. I think that you have valid concerns and it is really smart and brave to be bringing them up. It sounds like right now maybe you should put the wedding planning on hold. have you talked to FH about these concerns? Besides the sex, but your overall concerns about marriage?

My husband and I met at 17, started dating at 18, and didn't get married until we were 29. People of course always asked when we were going to get married but for us, we didn't feel the need to rush things. We knew we loved each other and that marriage simply wasn't for us at younger ages.

You change so much from 17 to 25, and still more from 25 - 29 like we did. Despite being raised Catholic, we did move in with each other 2 years before he even proposed. For us, moving in helped us to grow together way more as a couple and made us feel ready for marriage.

Now, I know you're opposed to moving in together so instead of doing that you can still just be engaged for a bit longer and get to know each other as adults (when you guys started out you were still kids) and get to really see if marriage is something that you guys want to do. It might also be a good idea for you to do counseling together.

I do have a question. The fetish was prominent in your post - is your problem with it that it disgusts you? or does the entire notion of sex scare you? If you guys are virgins then it can, of course be a daunting thought to have sex for the first time, especially the longer you wait.

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Seconding the last paragraph. A lot of things about sex can seem weird and gross before you start having it. Also, agreeing with PP that mentioned that fetishes are hard-wired. He can try to push it down, and you guys will probably be able to have fine sex not indulging it, but he'll likely eventually be unsatisfied if he never gets to do it. You don't have to share a fetish in order for it to work though. I know you said it disgusts you, without knowing what it is it's hard to offer much advisement, but I would just say that if the fetish doesn't cause you harm or involve you doing something you really don't want to do, it's rather easy to work around fetishes. Having the fetish bomb dropped on you can be a bit shocking, but it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.

However sex is a big part of a relationship once it's introduced and if it seems that you two might be sexually incompatible you may need to rethink things.

You need a different therapist. Not because you don't share the same values, because that is highly irrelevant. The problem with your therapist is that she is pushing her values on you. You shouldn't know what your therapist's values are. That is literally the very first thing taught in counseling ethics classes. Counselors do not, and should not, give advice.

Have you considered couple's counseling from a licensed counselor? Not just from your church?

View Quoted Comment If the notion of sex in general is scary, if recommend reading, "guide to getting it on."

I would definitely work on these issues before starting to plan a wedding. I’d also suggest looking for a therapist that has the same beliefs as you guys, who may be able to give suggestions that are better suited to the two of you.

I don’t know much about Catholicism or the belief against cohabiting, but... is it possible to move in together in the same apartment/house, but have separate bedrooms? Again I’m not sure if that’s violating the belief against cohabiting or if that may be a middle ground to get to try out living together before you get married

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While tough to hear; thank you, that is great, pratical advice. The fetish is that he likes to imagine he is being eaten by other people. Not canibilism where he actually likes to eat people but close to it. Our therapist has given us the phrase “don’t yuck my yum” and she believes he is allowed to like what he wants. Which is true, but I can’t deny it’s repulsive. Do I think he’s a band person? Far from it; he’s the sweetest I know and there is nothing wrong with him. I guess I should just learn to accept it but I’m afraid it’ll leak into the marriage where if we can’t do it he’ll do it online, etc...he is working to get rid of it but since it’s hardwired I don;’t know. It’s not something I want to ever live with after the past trauma in my life but the problem is he is such a good person. I don’t know how to see past that. I guess I am just immature.

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The fetish is that he likes to imagine he is being eaten by other people. Not canibilism where he actually likes to eat people but close to it... like he want me to buy bread roll pillows and pretend I’m eating him, etc. He has told me how vulnerable it is to him and that he feels so ashamed of it, that he was afraid of telling anyone cause it would hurt the relationship. I can’t imagine how much courage it must have taken to trust me with the information...but I can’t deny it’s so repulsive and boring I just don’t want to do it.

Our therapist has given us the phrase “don’t yuck my yum” and she believes he is allowed to like what he wants. Do I think he’s a band person? Far from it; he’s the sweetest I know and there is nothing wrong with him. I guess I should just learn to accept it but I’m afraid it’ll leak into the marriage where if we can’t do it he’ll do it online, etc...he is working to get rid of it but since it’s hardwired I don’t know. It’s not something I want to ever live with after the past trauma in my life but the problem is he is such a good sweet person. He’s the type that’s always putting me first, surprising me with gifts every so often for no reason, we don’t argue and say I love you all the time...I guess that what is so conflicting. Should I really throw all of that away for a fetish? Am I just being selfish?

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I haven’t, no. We just finished Precana and I really love how they talked about “love is a choice...” that resonated with me. Over the years my fiancé has never pressured me into doing this fetsh, yet I always felt the need to please him because he always brought it up. Regular sex just doesn’t interest him. As a result I am now feeling very resentful, and the relationship feels frustrating, boring, sad, and uneventful. There are other factors that have also led me to feel this way, such as a lack of communication amongst us, family issues such as his parents going through a messy divorce, and the fact that we were in an out of college at different times. My therapist, who I have been seeing for years, keeps insisting we move in together before marriage to “test our sexuality compatibility,” so I know “we won’t be stuck In marriage the rest of our life” but deep down I know this is wrong. I want a holy catholic marriage and such advice is confusing me and hurting me. But At the same time, I want to have a normal healthy sex life. We have not had sex all these years and vow to live chastely until the wedding. I will try talking to him, thank you. God bless

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In your experience, is it bad break up just because of sex? On one hand, we have an amazing partnership. We always say I love you, rarely fight, hold hands a lot, he always puts me first, he gives me spontaneous gifts for no reason just to say he loves me...he is the most devoted person I know. That is what is making this so difficult.

This might be a strange suggestion for people who are still virgins, but would you consider reaching out to a sex therapist? That way there would be a neutral party who could help your partner talk out how exactly he wants the fetish to be played out, allow you to talk out what all you're comfortable with and help determine if there's any room for compromise, and get a feel if you two could be sexually compatible before you even have sex. Obviously it's going to be hard to know for sure before you do the deed, but it might help.

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If his fetish is the only thing he is interested in and it disgusts you I don't think it's a bad reason to end the relationship. Sexual compatibility is hugely important in a relationship. If these issues are present currently they aren't going to go away with marriage. I would recommend a sex therapist to help navigate these waters, but that might be hard if you are planning to remain virgins until the wedding day.

It's so hard to know if you will be compatible sexually until you actually start having sex. It's similar to living together; it's hard to know what will and won't be an issue until you start living together. You run the risk of being unsatisfied and resentful later on because you are waiting to experience these things until you are married. That doesn't mean I think you should compromise your beliefs. I just think it's important to be aware and communicate as much as possible now. I also recommend googling Mojo Upgrade questionnaire so you can get an idea if you will be sexually compatible.