Secretly married

I understand not wanting to disappoint your father, but hiding your marriage is definitely not the route to go. It WILL come out. And then not only are you dealing with the same issue of your father’s disapproval, but now you will also be dealing with his hurt and anger from being lied to. And that may permanently effect your relationship with him (after all, how can you trust somebody again after they have lied to you about something so big?). As difficult as it may be, you’re going to have to be an adult and tackle this issue with your father head on. He may not like your choice, but it’s better to be honest and stand firm in something important to you, than to take the cowards way out and deceive him.


Also, there is nothing that says you need to have a big traditional wedding. If you and your fiancé want to elope, then you can do that and be done. Or you could have a small, affordable micro wedding with just your parents, siblings, grandparents, etc. You could even invite a few loved ones to the courthouse, then go out for a nice dinner afterwards. So often you hear about people who want to elope and then have the big celebration later – but after they are already married, they get busy with life, purchasing a home together, starting a family, etc. etc. Once you are already married, you are a lot less likely to want to sink a significant amount of money into a party (aka a wedding reception), so if you want to get married right away, I would suggest doing something small and making sure your father is present for it.

I mean, how do you feel about misleading everyone in your life?

It's really you that has to live with this decision, I'm more about living authentically. If you're not expecting your Dad to pay, then just live your life. If you want your Dad to pay, and are thinking of lying to him in order to have that, it's on you. Sorry for the loss of your mom.

I am sorry you are in this predicament. Deception is never the way to go. Why is your dad so against what you and your fiance want? That would be my first question for him. You and your fiance need to be a team and make decisions based on what is best for you as a couple. If your dad can’t understand that, then he isn’t treating you respectfully or like an adult. You seem so smart to want to pay off debt and buy a house! There has to be reason your dad is being like this…..try to discover his reasons.

View Quoted Comment I 100% agree. I never wanted a huge wedding. After Covid hit, my friends and I all just drifted. I just don’t feel as close. I can’t justify spending money on something I don’t want. And I certainly don’t want to live a misleading life. I’ve never been that way and he’s raised me to be so independent that I felt stuck.

View Quoted Comment The only thing I can think of is that I’m his one and only child/daughter. He wants the traditional walk me down the isle/give me away and I’m sure first dance. All of which I felt he could still do with a ceremony and reception after we get everything we want accomplished. I do want to speak to him about it, I’m just so frustrated.

View Quoted Comment I don’t like misleading anyone much less my dad. I was raised to be independent and when we broke the news to him, he said “I should ask for help”. Again, being independent and wanting to take care of what’s important to me first, I didn’t quite appreciate the response. My fiancé has said he would feel honored if our daughter asked for help. To me, I feel that if you want to pay for something, it’s appropriate to offer. Not wait for someone to ask. I’m not being proud, I’m being who he raised me to be. Stand on my own two feet. We are expected to visit with him today and bring this topic up during the visit, I just feel this might be a no win situation.

I wonder if, given this new information, how do you feel about just having your parents at whatever your elopement plan is? That way your dad is still included in your wedding and you don’t need the whole big shindig, which it kind of sounds like you don’t want anyway.

View Quoted Comment My fiancé mentioned this exact thing this morning. Have an officiant marry us with just our parents there and be done with it. I can move on without the stress and start my name changing process and then after purchasing a home, start to plan something better to celebrate.
I felt bad for agreeing even though I had considered eloping without anyone’s knowledge. I didn’t want to do the whole “Here’s, let’s do this to appease you so I can move on with my life”.

I don’t have a lot of people to invite really. I’d love to have a big catered event, blast with friends, laughing, taking pictures. No formal mess, no organized dancing, no traditional seating charts with tables in an empty room. I want a beach house, eat and have fun all day. Be with family and friends and then go home. That’s it. That’s my dream.

View Quoted Comment A wedding does not have to be the formal, organized dancing kind of wedding. If a beach house party is what you want, go with that.


Do you truly want the elopement or do you want it to just “get the marriage out of the way,” so to speak?
Whatever you decide to do, lying is never a good idea. That will always ultimately hurt people’s feelings more. If you want the elopement, then do so (whether it’s just you 2 or your parents are also included). If you want the beach party, then have the beach party (whether now or in a few years after you have a bit more stability). I will say this though. I have several friends who did a small courthouse ceremony and said they would plan a bigger wedding as a vow renewal later on. None of them have done so, and it’s been years. Other things end up then needing that money (whether it’s kids or you need a new car or something on the house needs to be done, etc.).
It sounds like you and your dad are close. If eloping just you 2 is truly what you want right now, he may be hurt but he will get over it in time. It’s much harder to get over being deceived and will likely impact your relationship much more than if you go ahead and elope without anyone else present.

View Quoted Comment The elopement was just to make things official so we had less changes to make later down the road. We wanted to make our first home purchase together in our married name. That was the primary reason. We didn’t want to leave anyone out by any means. Just get that certificate that says we are joint. Money was another. Debt and a house was more important to us. I didn’t want to have to put off our dream to purchase a home with our married names on the mortgage because of one person dictating how I should get married. I felt and still feel angry (which I will have to come clean to my dad about) that you preach that it’s MY day and I should do what we want and not cater to others, yet he tells me no when I state we want to go to the courthouse, make it official, take care of the important issues and THEN focus on a real wedding/celebration.


You and everyone else are absolutely correct in saying I’d regret being deceptive and that it would certainly hurt our relationship. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I pride myself on being an honest and independent woman like he raised me to be. But it’s that age old “I can’t bare to disappoint dad” because I’m 100% a daddy’s girl.

While I don’t generally advise buying a home before marriage, I also don’t know what the big deal is with the names on the paperwork or why it’s such a deciding factor.


The truth is a wedding, modest or intimate as it may be takes place on the day of your marriage. I don’t think there’s any shame in taking your father up on what was essentially an offer to help or that that makes you any less of an independent woman. Yes, he could have offered more graciously, but a gift is a gift.
But mainly, do not even consuder lying to your father or anyone else about being married and passing a future reenactment off as the real thing.