She Didn't Mean Anything!

This isn't meant to be judgemental. I like to ask questions on WW, because this is where I get the most varied responses and points of view. I like to learn, and look at things from a vantage point I haven't thought of before. Sorry if my questions are super random lol

Pan, I love your deep thought posts!

I think an emotional cheat or "love" affair is WAY worse. IMO those feelings take time and energy to build with that person over many interactions and it involves a series of betrayals on a very intimate level. Whereas a one-time cheat or "lust" affair is one bad decision, even though I think it's a symptom of bigger problems that have probably been brewing for a long time.

FTR I wouldn't stay in a relationship where any kind of cheating happened. I could never get that trust back. H feels the same way. We agreed early on that if one of us cheated, it was over. Don't expect the other person to take you back. Know what you're giving up if you make that bad decision, and decide accordingly.

See, I get that thinking but I know I would be more angry and hurt if someone betrayed me on a moment's notice with someone they don't care about. I'd be more willing to accept that we weren't right for each other, and look for my own happiness without burning all of his stuff if he at least started falling for her before they did anything. At least if they had a relationship that was not just based on lust, than he would have betrayed me for something more worthwhile(?). I don't know if that's quite the right word.... I guess I'd just be less bitter to move on if I knew what we had wasn't thrown away in a moment.

Well, I understand a little bit. When I was growing up, my father was deeply in love with my mother, but still had a lot of random affairs. I'm pretty sure that my mother was always physically faithful to my father, but she also tended to treat him like an old piece of furniture--she'd learned not to bump into the sharp corners, and would never think of getting rid of him, but she didn't seem really attached to him. I didn't see either as ideal, but I think I would be happier with someone who genuinely loved me but just couldn't seem to give up the random affairs than with someone who didn't care about me all that much.

I think I kinda have to agree with Kris for the reasoning of love takes time, and lust is something that comes natural. I think at least if a man cheated out of lust, there would be some chance of reconciliation. In most cases, there is a bigger reason behind why a man (or even a women) cheats, and once you communicate with the other to solve the problem, you can begin to build up trust again. If he fell in love with someone while he was with you, than he would have been doing the long term thing for some time and I would feel far more hurt and betrayed.

That being said, I think that I would end up staying with the man if it was a momentary lapse in judgement. What is it saying about me if I throw away everything that I had--the love, the man, everything--just because of one mistake that he made? That's just how I feel about it.

2d I don't understand how someone can even think of having random affairs if they're really deeply in love with someone. Yeah I see attractive people and I'm sure H does too. But to act on it seems like....IDK, the opposite of love. I feel like love is an action, not just a feeling I have towards somebody, KWIM?

In that case do you think it's a compulsion, almost like a mental health issue? Or do you think he just continued to do it b/c he got away with it and she never put her foot down or left?

I don't care what kind of cheating it was, I would be done. Period. I have had it done to me twice, never again. I am sorry my answer is not in depth, it's just how it is for me.

I don't know I wouldn't stay either way. In a way I see what you'r saying and I understand it...But it would be extremely hurtful to me to know my FH is in love with someone else...Like what did I do wrong...

I'm with you on this Pan.

Well I have to say that if a man I'm with loves someone else and that's the reason for the affair, it would hurt a lot more, because that means that she has his heart and his body, both of which is supposed to be mine. The other kind of affair, which is just lust, she would have not been special just a willing body, which could have been anyone besides her. The man loving the other woman and having an affair to me is worse because it gives the other woman more power. "He is choosing me rather than you because I'm better" instead of "He slept with me because I was in the right place at the right time"

That being said I would not 'rather' either one because cheating is a dealbreaker for me.

Hmmm I'm not sure about that one, but you know what does always bug me in movies. When the wife goes postal on the girl her husband cheated on with...HELLO I mean I guess if she's your friend but they often go easier on the men. Maybe it's an easier outlet or something or funnier in movies or something but I tell you what I think if it were me I would be wayyyy more upset with my husband.

I would be done either way but it would hurt way more if he did it because he loved this woman.

That would mean that he invested personal and emotional time with this woman to fall in love. Because he pursued her..

Personally, I would be done either way. I'm not sure how i would react, though. It would hurt tremendously either way. Futura Esposa F makes a good point; to know that he took the time to get to know her on a deep and personal level, the kind of level i think FH and i are on, might actually make it worse for me

I have a friend who is aware that her boyfriend cheats on her ALL THE TIME- he tells her after each time! She keeps saying "i never thought i would stay with someone who cheated on me, but i love him so much and he loves me too, so oh well!" really!?!? it's too bad when a person is unable to realize how awesome they are, and that they don't need to be treated like that....

I would be gone either way. Hurt and gone. There are few things I can't forgive for and this is one.

I'm with you Julie T.

IMO maybe it's easier for some to forgive if they say "She meant nothing" b/c it may make you believe it wont happen again. I mean who keeps in contact with someone they barely know & have no feelings for.

I personally would be PISSED either way, and Im not sure how I'd act, all depends on the situation & where we are in life...kids, home, job situation etc...just how things are rolling...tougher i'd think if you have kids, easier to walk if its just you.

But I think it'd be harder for me to forgive if you knew the person, especially if I knew the person b/c I'd always be questioning MYSELF, like why didn't i see this coming. I have been in parties with them both, where were the signs...am i stupid to have over looked this. how long has it been going on...etc & then I wouldn't want him to ever see/talk to the other party ever! but for example if they worked together, in this economy how do you make someone leave their job! so that'd be harder for me to be able to forgive. I bottle

My emotions in, and hold grudges so I dont think for me personally i'd ever be able to get over it...that'd take a LOT of therapy & I'd have to really analyze if it was worth it to me or not. I should be treated with respect, and if you don't love me anymore tell me and we'll split before you cheat on me...thats how i feel about it...

"You need to show me love

In front of everybody

I'm priceless, and that's how you should be treating me

You better figure it out

Or leave me alone"

Cheating either way is bad but if I HAD to stay with someone (and I'm not saying I would) then a one night stand is much more understandable than an blown-out affair.

I think emotionally it's much harder to get over a person - especially if the "relationship" didn't end on it own but only because the married partner gets caught by their spouse. I know a person that has never gotten over the person they cheated with - even though they're still with their spouse 10 years after the affair happened.

A one night stand doesn't involved anything emotional and no connections and some people look at sex as just that - sex. They don't attach any feelings to it....they get their needs met and keep it moving.

I think the worse of all is the emotional affair where nothing physical happens.

I see both sides.

I feel like kris, that I'd be more upset if my partner cheated on me by having an affair -- something long term, with serious feelings. An actual relationship. If it was just a spur of the moment, possibly drunken, lust driven thing, I'd be more able to understand. And for me that's just, if you're gong to get into a relationship with someone, end it with me first.

On the other hand, when my parents separated, it was because my mom got involved with someone else. If her and the guy hadn't worked out and hadn't stayed together (they did) I'd have been much more hurt that she threw her marriage and family away on nothing.

Either way I would be done...