She doesn’t want to take my name

View Quoted Comment See the thing is, I have offered to hyphenate if she will, that’s not the issue, the issue is, she doesn’t want my name at all

Changing your name can feel like giving up part of your identity. Committing to marriage is very different from committing to giving up what feels like part of your identity.

I get that you have your reasons for not wanting to give up your name and take hers. So why can’t you understand that she (like you) has reasons for not wanting to give up her name? Neither of you want to give up your names. You should be able to understand her perspective because you seem to have the same perspective as her when it comes to your name.

Why is your reason more valid than hers? How would you feel if she considered calling off the wedding because you wouldn’t take her name? This seems like an unfair double standard.

Just take her last name. Problem solved.

If you cant do that, then you need to consider what you are asking her to do.

If anyone told me they wanted to call off our wedding because I wouldn't take their name I would leave them immediately. Personally I am keeping my name because it is who I am in business and as an individual. If someone wants to socially call me by my fhs last name that is fine, but legally I will be keeping my own. I am sorry you are having a difficult time with this, hopefully you 2 can discuss this further and you will see her side of it as well. Good luck.

I think you are being unreasonable here. Emotions run high when it comes to weddings, so take a step back and breathe. It is not a requirement to change either party's name after marriage and is becoming less and less of a cultural expectation. Why are you so adamant that she takes your name? She agreed to marry you, tie her life with yours and that includes living space, finances, taxes, etc. Her legal name has no bearing on that.

It's always possible that she may want to do something different in the future. But regardless of what she wants to do with her name, it has no bearing on her feelings for you, especially given the reason she gave.

Another option to consider, if you are still looking for a compromise: She can have her current name as her middle name and yours as her last name. I encountered a woman at work who's family has a tradition of doing this as a way to keep their family name in their own. So if her name is Jane Doe and yours is John Smith, she would be Jane Doe Smith. Simple.

Calling off the wedding because she doesn't want to change her last name seems rather immature. Marriage is a heck of a lot more than sharing a name. I didn't change my name for professional reasons. H doesn't care one bit. Our kids will have his last name.

I understand you being upset but thinking about calling it off because she’s still grieving and trying to hold onto the last thing from her father is a bit harsh. I just lost my father and this is the same convo that I had with my FH. He’s against it of course but I cried and cried and cried. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things ever in life. I die a little inside every day I realize my dad won’t be there to walk me down the aisle or make a speech or stress me out with people he wants to invite or being so excited lol. I think you should be a bit more understanding and supportive. Maybe hyphenate or tell her exactly how you feel and work it out. You both need to put yourselves in the other person’s shoes

I really do feel like you are being completely unreasonable about this. I am married and kept my maiden name. After reading your original message and subsequent posts, I am extremely grateful to my husband for supporting me in what I wanted to do. He was confident enough in my love for him and our commitment to our relationship to know that a name is just a name. I do get your desire to pass your name to the next generation though I suspect if you talked to your fiance, she is probably fine with future children taking your name. Please don't make this a large issue or question whether your fiance is committed to you. There are a lot of reasons why people like to keep their maiden names and i think hers is a very valid one.

So, why don't you just take her name....? I mean, if you're equal partners and all.

I feel like everything about this post is insensitive, and kind of old fashioned and sexist. You did not start a relationship with this person that you love so dearly just because you wanted her to have your last name, you've loved her for whatever amount of time already without your last name and it's not like it cant be changed later. My FH is taking my name or we might hyphenate it, my mom took my dads my sister kept hers and her husband kept his and my boss kept her ex husbands name. Marriage is about love, trust and compromise a lot of compromise. Let her have her space for a little while.

It's much more typical these days for a women to keep their maiden name. It sounds like she was really close to her dad and isn't ready to give up her family name. I kept mine. My hubby would have preferred I take his but it didn't become a big deal. Since our wedding, we've played with the idea of inventing a new last name for the both of us in the future. We'll see!

It's not about you/your relationship. She has very strong emotional ties to her last name (and is probably extra emotional with the wedding coming up and her father not being there). Maybe she'll be open to changing it in the future, maybe not. But honestly, if you have a solid relationship it doesn't seem worth it to break up over an old tradition. I bet she could really use your understanding and support right now.

Hi OP, hope all is well. Have you been able to discus with her and come to a resolution?

View Quoted Comment So what? You don't want her name, do you? It goes both ways.

You've got to be kidding me. I will continue to go by Dr. ( insert MYlast name) because he didn't put in the hard work for that title, I did. When I explained this to him, he totally understood. The fact that you're even THINKING of calling it quits on your wedding is absolutely ridiculous. A last name doesn't define love and commitment.

I hope you canceled the wedding, if not I'm curious to see if you two are still together. It's obvious the women/ "men" in this comment section are extremely liberal. It would definitely be a deal breaker. She obviously isn't ready to be married.

This is quite an old thread and hopefully did not unsettle anything with Brandon and his wife.

I hope this settled well. In earlier years it was quite natural to do that name change, but in light of her father's recent death it makes sense to be patient with her. Changing our names later in a marriage is always a possibility. She might be willing to do that naturally in the future. Our names are not as important as the marriage itself.