Should i go to my sisters wedding ?

This is a really difficult situation and must be very hard for you to think about and deal with. Will not going to the wedding cause more problems with them that can't be overcome or is that something that you are willing to deal with? It sounds like your sister doesn't even want you there anyway from her text and from having it on your birthday. If your husband is against it and you are against it maybe you would be better not going and doing something else to celebrate your birthday together.

View Quoted Comment Hi Fiona
Yes it is a very difficult situation, the thing is with my sister I knew the moment that the wedding was in my birthday that it was personal attempt at trying to make sure her wedding will be better than mine. My sister also knows that I always go away with my husband for my birthday so it’s all very convenient. My birthday is in March so not really wedding season either. I haven’t said anything about it as I don’t want to look like I’m jealous. I really really am NOT can I just make that clear here. I do however believe that my sister is jealous of the life that I have with my husband. A very simple no worries life, we live in a lovely home we don’t have money worries and no stresses. She has 6 kids 3 from her previous marriage and two are current fiancés kids and she has a one year old with her current fiancé aswell. Oh yeah all in less than a year of dating. She has already said to me once that I must be jealous of her life because she is with my ex (from when I was 16 yrs old) just wanted to clarify that. I would never ever swap my care free life for hers ever. But I know that if I don’t go to the wedding she and my mum probably will make me look like the bad person and say I’m. Not there because I’m jealous or something. Instead of just saying the truth, that we just don’t get on! I do feel hurt by how my mum seems hell bent on helping her achieve a better wedding than mine. But I refuse to be there just to show that everything is perfect with my family when they have treated my husband so badly. My husband is a wonderful man, he is the kind of man a lot of women would have married in a heart beat including my sister I remember her telling me once when she had just divorced her ex husband. It’s all a mess really, I just don’t know how or when to tell my sister I’m not going to the wedding as she only got out of hospital last week from having the operation. I don’t want her to use that against me, telling people how insensitive I was telling straight after she got out of hospital.

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It sounds like a terrible mess for you. It also sounds like your sister isn't a very nice person and is the one who is jealous, not you. I'm sorry it seems like your mum is taking her side as well and not being impartial to you both. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband now but again it's bad they don't treat him right either. Just keep thinking about him I guess and how happy you too are and not her and her attempts to make your life miserable. You have a bit of time to tell her you're not going to the wedding if it's not till March so don't rush to tell her if you don't think it will be helpful at the moment. Don't let her get to you either if you can help it

View Quoted Comment Hi Fiona
Thank you for your advice, it’s really helped. I’m supposed to go to see my sister on Friday as I haven’t seen her since before she had the operation. I don’t know what to do, as my mum has told her that I haven’t forgotten what she did a few months ago and her being I’ll doesn’t excuse what she did or change anything. Do I go to see her or leave it? She messaged me saying that the past is the past and that if it’s too difficult for me to go see her she will accept that. Making herself look like the victim again! But I know she will use it against me in the wedding. If I go to see her it will be very arkward because she knows what I think because of my mum! What do I do?

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This is very tricky and I think only you can make the final decision by talking to your husband and deciding together how you want to go forward. It may be that you go and just know that it's going to suck and you just get through it or maybe you just continue to distance yourself from your sister and family and especially her toxic ways of doing things. Could you talk to your mum and tell her not to say anything else to your sister about what you guys talk about or is that not going to work either?

Has your sister always acted this way towards you, or is this a more recent thing? Many times individuals with brain abnormalities or traumas can experience changes in temperament and personality due to what is biologically going on in the brain. Even the stress of knowing that she would need to undergo brain surgery could have been playing a major role in her interactions. Let the dust settle and see how the relationship is between the two of you as it gets closer to the wedding, then make your decision.

View Quoted Comment Hi Natalie
Yes my sister has always been like this to everyone not just me. She’s argued with my other sister, my brother and my parents but it’s never her fault though she’s always the victim! Oh but apparently she’s changed now my mum has said, she’s been so nice to my mum really thankful for everything she does. It has nothing to do with the fact that her wedding is months away and probably wants my parents to foot the bill or most it. Apparently her fiancé’s family are a bit tight with money. When we argued a few months ago I was told by my whole family oh well that’s Bonnie for you just move on! There’s only so many times that I can forgive and forget things. This is definitely past forgive and forget because she obviously told my neighbours personal things about me and god knows who else and took their side over mine without a second thought. Any chance she gets at having a go or dig at me she does . The same thing happened a year ago with my cousin, she got involved when she should’ve have and took her side over mine.

View Quoted Comment Hi Fiona
My mum has is the person that has made this situation a thousand times worse because whatever I tell her goes straight back to my sister! My sister asked me if I would go to see her on Monday, but I had just done a Night Shift and was working again Monday night. I said I would pop into see her on Friday. Next thing I had my mum on the phone telling I have to go see her asap. I told my mum that I was working she told me to grow up and go see her. That’s when I lost it and said that just because she’s been ill doesn’t excuse what she has said and done to me a few months ago and she still hasn’t apologised to me for it. I also said that I’m sticking to going to see her on Friday and that’s it. About an hour later a get a text from my sister basically saying the past is in the past and that mum and dad want me to go see her but if it’s too difficult for me to do that she will accept that. My mum seems to love stirring the pot for some reason weather it be intentionally or not if I go see her on Friday it’s going to be arkward because she knows what I think because my mum told her. I can not trust my mum one bit

Unfortunately, based on your responses, it sounds as though your mother is just as big a problem as your sister in this situation. If I were in your situation, I would immediately stop talking to my mother about my sister. If she tried to bring her up, I would change the subject. If she pushed the issue, I would tell her you do not wish to discuss that topic with her. If she still pushes it, I would tell her I’m sorry I have to get off the phone now. It sounds as though your sister wants you to come see her and wants to leave the past in the past. Whether that is true or not, you will only know if you have some sort of relationship with her. Again, if I were in your situation, I would go see your sister on Friday like you promised. I would tell her your mother informed you of what she said (The past is in the past), and that you would love to move forward with her if this is truly the case. Then give her the opportunity to prove to you she means it. This means that you will also have to leave the past in the past. I would then base my decision about attending her wedding on her actions from that day forward (whether that means attending the whole wedding, or just attending the ceremony to show your support, then skipping the reception in order to celebrate your birthday with your husband). Hopefully she proves to you that she truly does want to move forward with a positive relationship. And if she just goes back to her old ways, well at least you know you did what you could to salvage the relationship and keep peace in the family. Again, this is just what *I* would do if I were in your situation. Good luck! I hope it all works out!

View Quoted Comment Hi Cece
Thank you for your advice, I will really consider what you have about going to see my sister on Friday and go from there. Thank you

Wow this is a very hard situation. Sorry you are going through this. I would definitely see what my husband wants to do and make a decision with him. If you are going just to save face. Do like Cece mentioned and go to the ceremony, not the reception. In the end it is your decision and you will know what is best. If you didn't go would you regret it?

View Quoted Comment Hi Mary
Thank you so much for your advice my husband 100% doesn’t want to go, and won’t go but he said he wouldn’t stop me going. Honestly the way my family have treated him I’m not surprised he won’t go. I wouldn’t regret not going. I’m just worried starting world war 3 starting once I tell ny sister I’m not going. My mum will go off her head, literally it’s all about keeping up appearances with my family no matter what

View Quoted Comment I see. Just see how the meeting with her goes and make a decision after. Best of luck.

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I'm sorry your mum is so difficult and is determined to stir the pot instead of trying to fix things or just staying out of it. It must be really hard that you can't trust your mum either. Maybe you should go and see your sister on Friday and just see how it goes but go knowing it may be exactly the same as before. I would also be careful about what I said to her about anything as it sounds like she can't be trusted either. Just take everything one small step at a time and see what happens. If it goes really badly Friday well just know that you can't go to see her or be around her again and that you can choose to sever that relationship from your life. How does your brother feel about all this?

This is a sensitive situation. Do what’s best for you.
Your sis will have to understand either way.

I have a similar dynamic with my family. What I do is play nice, smile, attend the functions I have to and move on with my life. It may not be the best method but it's always worked for me. If it's going to hurt you or your marriage, just say you can't make it and send a gift. I hope it works out for you, whatever you decide to do. Just don't let them get the best of you.

View Quoted Comment Hi Laura
Thank you for the advice x

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Hi Jane, How's it going? Have you come to any decisions regarding going to your sister's wedding yet? How are you feeling about it all?