Should i have my step daughter in the wedding?

How old is she? I would include her, but maybe she could be a grooms maid not a bridesmaid?

View Quoted Comment KiwiDerbyBride, she will be 20 in July of this year and 22 by the time we get married..

I would ask her if she would like to be involved. I'm not close with my stepdaughter who is also 20 but she welcomed the opportunity to be part of the wedding and it helped us grow closer.

View Quoted Comment I could try that.. Thank you, I am glad I am not the only one..

I have experience in this department. I was the step daughter to a woman who despised me. The feeling was mutual. Her niece and I were junior bridesmaids. At the dress appointment I wasnt included in absolutely any decision and if her niece didnt like a dress I picked i wasnt even allowed to try it on. Our figures were much different and i was only 12. She was very slim and I was on the chubby/full side. They picked a dress that made me feel so uncomfortable. And 2 weeks before the wedding I was told to "lay off the cheese and sour cream" so that my dress fit for the wedding. My dad was so oblivious to how I was treated that it wasnt until he got pictures back that he realized I was only in the pictures with our family. I wasnt even included in the wedding party pictures. The wedding gift they got from things remembered had my name engraved wrong and the receipt showed she misspelled it.

Now, with all of this being said, she was a special kind of hateful. They are no longer married which I'm perfectly okay with. I dont know your situation but if you include her, INCLUDE her. I would of rather not been included at all then to get treated the way I did. And if this happened to me at the age of 20 I would of refused to even be in it. Like another fellow bride said, it could make your relationship stronger! Use it as a bonding tool, get her opinion, make her feel special. You will have to deal with her as long as you are married to her dad.

Good luck!

Personally, if I was your FH i would be very upset if you didnt include her. Regardless of age or how close you are. Especially since your daughter is included. It is just as much his wedding as yours, so why shouldn't she be in the wedding. You may not have known her for long, but you will know her for the rest of your life.


I am not very good friends (more like acquaintances) with FHs sister and my FH isnt that close with my brother, but each will be in the wedding because they are special to him/me. It's a great bonding experience and shows them that they important.

View Quoted Comment Allicia, I am so sorry that you had to endure that at such a young age. That was truly wrong of her to be that way.. Your story was very sad and brought tears to my eyes 😥. No young girl should have to go through that. This woman did not marry for love or she would have treated you better for the fact that you are the daughter of the man she was marrying at that time. My step daughter and I relationship is good but estranged because she lives in North Carolina with her aunt & grandmother (my soon to be in laws) We tried to move her to Pennsylvania with us so we could help her with son and daughter but she stayed for a week and decided to go back. To me she only calls us when she wants money.. Sometimes she video chats with us so we can see the grand kids but that's it. How do you build a relationship with someone you barely know and talk to? That's why I don't know if I should include her or not. I really want her to feel included but being that she is hours away I think I shouldn't include her. I am so torn...

View Quoted Comment Mercedes, Well my FH said its my decision. I have been with him for 5 years, so I have known his family including his daughter for about 4 1/2 years. There is a difference between having my daughter and his daughter in the wedding. One: my daughter can buy her own dress. Two: I'm not estranged from my daughter, she has always been a part of my life. His daughter lives in a completely different state than us, and when we tried to move her here with us so that we could help with her two kids, she didn't want to stay and she went back. She is the type of person who does not want the rules and discipline but always want money.. So that means we will have to pay for her dress also.. We are planning on a budget. Also being that she is in a different state how will she be able to attend the appointments to try on dresses with the other bridemaids? So no my FH will not be upset if she not in the wedding.. And just because if I decide not to have her in it does not mean she won't feel important.. I'm not that type of person.

View Quoted Comment So she’s a young mom and you’re upset you would have to buy her dress? Then pick an inexpensive dress. Go to David’s bridal and pick it out and she can go to her local one to try it on herself. Sounds like she hasn’t lived with her dad for a while and is closer to her grandma and aunt I can’t blame her for wanting to stay with them. You should ask her and if she doesn’t want to allow her to say no don’t just not include her.

View Quoted Comment My future mother in law just moved there to help her with the kids. Its not about the dress.. I am trying to figure out if I want to ask her or not.. I would prefer for her to be with the rest of us when we try on dresses, so I can how everyone looks in them.. It has nothing to do with her being a young mother. I was a young mother also.. Its a decision that I am trying to come to terms with.. Best thing is I have time to decide.

Good point about the timing. With the wedding 2+ years off, you can let this all go for a good long while, and see how your relationship develops in the next 12-16 months. Also, would it make sense for your FH to ask her to be on his side of the wedding party? (For what it's worth, I really don't think all members of the wedding party have to shop together. You have an idea what your future step-daughter's figure is, so there are some things about dress style that you can take a pretty good guess about (e.g, huge chest? probably NOT strapless/backless. petite/tiny frame? probably not super full skirt that will overwhelm her. Etc.). Both David's and online stores like Azazie have SO many options within the same color groupings that it's never been easier to pick dresses that work well for a range of shapes & sizes.)

MOB, I will run that idea by my FH and see how he feels.. Thank you

Yep... You are marring her father. Make her feel included. Even if it is something small. Unless she doesn't want to be.

View Quoted Comment Selena, I don't have to have her in the wedding for her to be included...

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This. She is an adult so I'm sure she would rather be asked if she wants to be in it vs being told she has to. I would be honored if my dad was marrying another woman and asked me to be in the wedding.

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Well you should because at the end of the day you are marrying into her family. However, if she like planning or wants to do something (like sing) then there won't be any hurt feelings. You don't want to start off at odds over something that can really be avoided.

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Agreed! your marrying her father, i would think he'd want his daughter in his wedding

View Quoted Comment If I decide to have her in it, I would ask.. I'm not forcing anyone to do anything.

View Quoted Comment Selena and Courtney, again as I stated, she is estranged.. She only communicates with him and me when she wants something.. We call her and she never answers. But every time she needs something we exist to her.. So, it does not matter to him if I choose to have her in it or not... She is 20 yrs old not a young child. If I decide to have her in it I will ask her and if I decide not to then she won't be.. Does not mean she won't be included..

View Quoted Comment I definitely understand where you are coming from! What does FH say? I think if you try to include her and go the extra mile and she rejects it that doesnt fall on you whatsoever. I know it sounds childish but at least when the arguement comes up, because it sounds like it will, your side of the street is clean. No one can blame you or say it was your fault