Should I tell my friend she's making a mistake?

I really think Priscilla is not trying to be out of line, it is fair to assume that if she knows about the wedding expenses is because probably her friend has complained about that with her.

Priscilla on the other hand I do agree with just keeping yourself away from the situation, people will do what they want and have decided to do, you can just wish your friend the best and be there for her

I think Promike was trying to say that unless your friend specifically complained to you about her fiance not paying for any of the wedding, you cannot assume what their arrangements are. Heck, even if she tells you, you cannot be sure nor should you care.

Sorry, Promike, if that's not what you meant

Agree with TinaBobina. The next time she is really unhappy about something substantive, and you are alone, I would look her in the eye and ask her if she thinks this will ever be better, if she thinks she will like being treated the way he is treating her for the next 45 years. Frame your concerns as, you are worried that she is signing up for something that seems to make her unhappy, as evidenced by her own words. If you have to say something, make what you say not about you, but about your concern for her evident struggles with this guy.

I have a friend who is now divorced from someone dreadful. They were married for 5 years, and now she is shackled to him in custody hell forever. I honestly wish I had asked her why she thought he would make her happy, because I think it would have been constructive.

There are times when people are going along because stopping seems so disruptive and dramaful. This might be one of those times.

You can be there for her and support her, if she asked your opinion you can give it.

If you tell her you think she shouldn't marry him (I'm sure she's thought about the commitment), it will most likely hurt or ruin your friendship and will still marry him.

I agree with the folks saying to couch it gently by speaking to what she says to you vs criticizing him. The only exception is, if she asks you flat out for your advice. At that point, if it were me, I'd be completely honest.

I would stay out of it. She will do what she wants and, like you said, she complains about him so it's not like she's not aware of his qualities.

I know a woman in her 60s who lost her very good friend from a situation like this. She voiced her opposition and lost her friend. Her friend married him and eventually divorced. So the woman was right but still they aren't friends.

If the spouse is actively harming her (emotionally or physically) then yes, definitely be supportive of her and give her options while voicing cautious concern. But if it's a matter of preference in a mate, keep it to yourself.

I've watched 2 of my good friends marry people I did not think were right for them. Nothing you can do about it except support them when/if it doesn't work out (which I've also done twice).

I have a friend that regularly complains to me about her partner. It is so hard not to get sucked in. I had to express to her that it was hard for me to receive all this info and still feel supportive of the relationship. I know we all need to vent sometimes but I firmly believe that people should not complain about their partner to their friends unless they are breaking up with them. I am afraid you have to suck it up and be supportive. Try to not get sucked into giving her relationship advice. You can kindly suggest that she seeks counseling when things keep coming up.

Nope, don't do it. She will resent you.

Unfortunately it is not your place to dictate their wedding or their relationship. I know you are coming from a good place but it is a little out of line. Your friend said yes for a reason and she wants your support as a bridesmaid.

While I feel badly for her, I'm not sure that telling her would accomplish anything other than hurting her feelings. She said yes, she knows what she's getting into. Maybe if they get into a fight, and she comes to you to talk about it, gently bring up your opinions. But only if she comes to you about it.

Absolutely no! Whether you agree with her decision to marry him is irrelevant. Be her friend support her. Let her vent. Only give your opinion of the relationship he asks for it.

My childhood best friend asked me to be her moh many years ago. She was marrying someone whose student visa expired and they pushed up the wedding so he could remain legal.

I told her flat out... I will tell you this once.and only once. Because you are my best friend and I think I would be doing you a huge disservice by not having any sort of conversation with you.. That I think you're making a mistake. And we talked and I said I support you no matter what and I will never mention it again. But I needed to say it.

I felt a personal responsibility to speak up but she was also my friend. And I wanted her to be happy. If you chose to say something.. Which in this case I would not honestly... You have to make peace with the fact she's probably not going to change her mind... And you may lose your friendship, and ultimately you cannot nag. If you say it, say it once. And be done. Say it with love and all your support you can give her then drop it.

Does he want a 20,000 wedding? He shouldn't be forced to pay for a wedding that he doesn't want. I can easily imagine a scenario where the guy wants to go to a courthouse and the woman insists on an expensive wedding. I'm sure many of your other concerns are valid, and you've gotten good advice from others on that, but the wedding money portion rubs me the wrong way.

In a perfect world, a world in which the truth would cue the sun to shine, the angels to sing, and the scales to fall off of her eyes, I'd say, "Tell her the truth!"

We don't live in that world. We live in a world filled to brim with people who all started life somewhere and with somebody. By the time they're actually ready to walk the aisle, they have a long history, and that history -- good, bad, or indifferent -- played an important part in their decision to walk the aisle and join hand and heart to the individual waiting for them.

You can hint and you can ask sanitized questions that will ultimately be rhetorical (because it will be the one in a million woman who actually answers, "Thank God, you asked! I have all kinds of doubts! How can I delay this?"). There are plenty of women who have had doubts that plagued them AS they walked the aisle. Still, they took the plunge.

If it eases your conscience to ask, then ask. However, keep your expectations in check. If she's found a way to normalize funding 80% of her own wedding, it's one of two things: either he doesn't want the opulent wedding she wants, and he's made that abundantly clear, OR she really, really wants to get married. Either way, it's an intensely personal matter between two people (and neither of them is you).

Don't misunderstand me -- I appreciate where you're coming from; it's just that life tells me your chances of rescuing her from a marriage you predict will be unhappy, are slim to none.

I assume she has complained about the wedding money. And TBH I would not marry a guy who wont put money towards something just because he dosnt "want" it. When I get married I expect 100%. If I need a new car and he is the one with the higher paying job I expect him to spend his money on the car I want (within reason of corse). If they are having a 20,000 then they should agree on it. I would say one or both of them are in the wrong.

If I was in you situation I would not be able to "stay out of it". She is you friend and you want her to be happy and sometimes its hard for someone to see what everyone else see's in the relationship.

And I agree with Tina the next time she is complaining bring it up.

If you have serious concerns, speak up.

I say this as a bride that had a friend speak up. My ex-fiance and I met her and her husband (then boyfriend) in Chicago for a day, as she was in Chicago on business (she lives in Georgia, I live in Indiana). A few days after she went back home, she called me to talk. She opened by telling me how much she loved me and how important my friendship was to her, but that she could not support me in my decision to marry my ex. She told me that she was stepping down as bridesmaid, and that she wasn't sure if she was even comfortable attending the wedding as she thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life, and that if the minister asked if anyone objected and she was in attendance, she WOULD be speaking up then as she was now.

I cried. I cried hard. But I had been miserable in the relationship and she knew. Everyone knew it. But she was the only one that had the guts to lay it out to me like that. She knew going into the conversation that she was risking our friendship - but she viewed that as minor when compared to the potential of me losing everything (including my life).

Six weeks later, I cancelled the wedding. Four weeks after that, I ended the relationship with my ex completely, and kicked him out of my house. Had she not spoken up, I probably wouldn't have canceled the wedding, and probably wouldn't be here today.

The friend that spoke up? We are still friends. And she will be a bridesmaid in my wedding in 45 days.

"Does he want a 20,000 wedding? He shouldn't be forced to pay for a wedding that he doesn't want. I can easily imagine a scenario where the guy wants to go to a courthouse and the woman insists on an expensive wedding. I'm sure many of your other concerns are valid, and you've gotten good advice from others on that, but the wedding money portion rubs me the wrong way."

You see, I would totally agree with you if that were the case. But no, he did not want a small wedding, he is VERY into the planning and the details, he just... isn't paying for any of it. And he is very serious about it being perfect. Don't get me wrong - my friend is definitely excited about planning the wedding and seems to be enjoying it, but he is just as excited if not more so.

While what he is doing is shitty...it's not grounds for u to step in so I'd just stay out of it

That's difficult. I'd go with AMW's advice (first page) to not say anything about him but to take only her to lunch one day and ask if everything is going okay (but not mention him). Unless she's saying she doesn't want to be with him, hearing a friend tell her to not get married will probably cause hurt feelings and tension in your friendship. It's hard but I think the most you can do as a friend is act as a supportive force, ask her how she's doing, let her talk, and hope for the best.