So I'll try to make this as short as possible... I recently realized my mom has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). My dad died when I was 12, and she erupted when I told her I do not like her talking negatively about him (she often likes to say he never did anything, was lazy, etc.). She erupted, said I am selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful, "how could I think she is a bad mom when she knows she is a great mom." She said I am faking our relationship so I can just stop pretending I like her. These blowups have happened several times throughout my childhood. She kicked me out of her house, I wrote her a 3 page heartfelt letter, she ignored it. I'm getting married in March and she told several family members she will not be there. I felt relieved because she made my choice easy. I just realized she was a narcissist last month and it was honestly an epiphany.
Fast forward to today. We have not spoken in over 2 months. RSVPs are due next week for my wedding. I texted her saying I heard you are not coming, please just let me know if the 2 friends you invited are also not coming. (I tried to copy exactly what was said). She totally switches up, says "oh no, I am planning on coming.... unless you are telling me I am un-invited, just let me know and I will not be there." I say "I am confused, you kicked me out in December, you have not talked to me in 2 months, and you told people you were not coming." She sends a long message saying "I kicked you out because you were disrespectful. If you have decided you do not want me there, just tell me and I will tell my friends we are all un-invited. I am your mother, all I have ever done is take care of you. Why you have such an issue with me I will never understand. Maybe someday you will appreciate me. I did not see anything in the letter that would cause me to respond." I said "then why did you tell people you are not coming." She responded "I told them I did not know if I was going (clear lie). I am not begging you to go to your wedding. I told you when you were here that I felt I should still come unless you did not want me there. If you do not want me there, just say so and I will tell my friends."
What do I do? The part of me that is logical and spiteful is saying you do not deserve to be there because she hasn't acted interested in the slightest, shows no love, has ignored me for 2 months, and could possibly have some kind of an episode. Plus, if she comes, what role does she play (do I let my brother walk her down the aisle, does she take family pictures). The other part of me genuinely pities her for being so narcissistic and lacking such basic emotions. I feel horrible imagining her sitting at home seeing everyone else on social media attending my wedding, then her telling people I un-invited her. Part of me wants to just let her come and make clear boundaries (sit her far away from me, tell her to watch herself with alcohol, remind her this is my day, point her out to security). My fiancé is worried that will not be enough. On top of all of this, the friend she wants to bring who we stupidly invited is crazy (raging alcoholic, confrontational, the exact opposite vibe for our ballroom wedding). I'm scared I will have regrets either way. Either regretting letting my mom come and something go wrong, or regretting letting her not come and feeling like I'm a bad person. I don't expect to build a relationship after, it's more like a final gesture of kindness. She has never been one to rage publicly, only privately. HELP
