Should i un-moh My Sister

View Quoted Comment Yeah maybe I’ll just ask her straight up

I personally wouldn’t “demote” her, but I wouldn’t try to include her in anymore planning or expect her to do much other than get her dress and show up. If you’re not worried about how demoting her would affect your relationship, then I guess go ahead, it’s your wedding. But I would just try to brush it off and move forward planning with your other MOH.

View Quoted Comment Yeah that’s how I’ve been looking at it to avoid unnecessary drama. I guess I just thought since she said that to me she would show more interest you know? Like it made me think she finally wanted us to have a closer bond. I kindof just wanted to see what other people who don’t know her. But I stand my ground on having an MOH plan the shower and bachelorette I don’t think I’m wrong to think that!

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A MOH just does not translate to party planner. Generally brides know in advance the “go to” friends they can rely on to help do the parties, which is unrelated to their wedding “title”. Your sister likely simply wanted the great honor to stand up with her sister on the happiest day of her life.

This is why I don't have a bridal party! ;-) I don't have a sister (and, let's be honest, sometimes sisters are on two separate planets with this kind of thing). In my experience, and especially in the modern "wedding' era, we expect WAY too much from our wedding parties. We listen too much to everyone else's expectations as well (like parents! And guilt trips!). And we are beholden to those that are paying for our wedding.

Your sister sounds really busy. If she's 26 and in school, is she earning an advanced degree? She may legit not have time to spend. Make her Maid of Honor (in title), as you did. Relieve her of the planning responsibilities, and ask your Matron of Honor to handle the shower, etc, since she seems to want to help. Tell her that your sister may or may not cooperate, but involve her, or try to, in the planning.
Don't expect her to apologize for being busy, for not caring as much about your wedding as you do, or for not being a perfect MOH. Release those expectations (Let it go, as Elsa says) and you will feel relieved and relaxed.

View Quoted Comment That’s what I have been doing for the most part, but I even told her “you might have to help plan things and I know you’re busy, are you sure you really want to be MOH”. I have an advanced degree too so I know how it is, but I wouldn’t have asked to be an MOH for that reason. To me, if she is too busy to help, which is pretty evident, then why ask for a special role? I am learning to let it go and not think about it, if anything what upsets me is her having that title with doing no work for it. We have never had a bond at all also it’s not like a feel some sisterly duty to let her do it. I’m kindof like oh well at this point. I think I’m probably just going to make it clear that my friend is my “main” MOH. Like I want her to stand next to me and she is walking with FH’s best man in the precession.

View Quoted Comment Different people have different views on that. Of course we don't choose our bridal party for what they'll do for us but I personally don't think it's wrong to have that expectation. Anytime I have been s bridesmaid I thought that's what you do.

Wow.... You certainly seem to have very strong opinions about both what the "job" of a MOH is and about your sister. The way you write about her, and your relationship, it truly sounds like you dislike her. That seems incredibly sad to me; my sisters are 6 and 8 years older and we live very different lives (one has lived out of the country for 40 years), but they are the most important women in the world to me, after my daughter.

It also sounds like you don't care what people who disagree with you think, but for what it's worth.... Daughter had both a maid and a matron of honor -- two of her closest friends since they were 3 and 6 years old. They have very different lives, but they are still close friends and appreciate their differences. They lived 1500 and 3000 miles away from daughter during the wedding planning. One she talked to fairly frequently on the phone, the other rarely. Given that her BMs/MOHs were spread all over the country, as the MOB I planned and hosted her shower. One MOH happened to be able to attend, the other couldn't. One of her BMs (neither of the MOHs) was going to be here visiting her parents over the holidays and offered to host a very low-key bachelorette that involved dinner and going to a couple of bars to dance. Daughter was thrilled and never thought twice about who couldn't be there. The only thing that mattered to daughter was that on the day of the wedding the five young women who mean the most to her in the world flew from all over the country to stand beside her. That was all she hoped for when she asked them to be in her wedding.

That doesn't mean what you want/expect is "wrong," I just share it to try and illustrate that different people have very different expectations. If you and your sister are as different as you've suggested, maybe she just sees the things you are so upset about from a very different perspective. Over the course of our lives, if we are lucky, our siblings will be the people in our lives the longest. To me that relationship would mean much more than fulfilling "wedding responsibilities." Good luck to you.

I'm sorry, that sucks. Family is tough. You'll figure it out. It's your day, find ways to reduce the drama and just have fun!

View Quoted Comment I appreciate your feedback, this was kindof a post for me to vent and hear other people’s perspectives. And honestly no I don’t really like my sister but I try to because I hope some day we can be closer. I didn’t go into details about all our past bc it’s just too much but she has been very very mean to me many times when I try to ask her for advice on things (pre wedding/just life in general) or just talk to her and she is just demeaning to me bc she thinks that since all I ever wanted to do was get married and have a family that I am a shame to women bc I should be fighting for my rights and being super opinionated on things. I am willing to accept that we have different views but she isn’t and she thinks I’m “wrong” because I don’t mind having a guy pay for things for me or do more traditional roles in a household. My parents have also always favored her, paid for very expensive things for her (tens of thousands of dollars on cars, instruments, school) that they made me buy myself, which has created resentment as well.

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That makes sense. Family dynamics and sibling rivalries can certainly have a significant impact on relationships. But, if you know your sister isn't big on traditional views of male-female relationships/marriage, it kind of follows that she may not see a lot of traditions around a typical wedding as very important. Part of accepting & loving people who have different views than we do is understanding how those differences are going to play out, and accepting that too. I think it's great that you want to have a closer relationship with your sister, but that might be easier if you accept her on her terms. I know, that also suggests she should accept you on your terms, but all you can control is you. Dr. Phil (lol) used to say, "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Maybe the best gift you can give yourself and your relationship with your sister is to just accept who she is and build the relationship on that. Truly, good luck to you. You've found what you want in your FH -- be happy and don't let other people influence that.

View Quoted Comment I agree with all of this.


It sounds like you have tried everything that people have suggested here, and although the same advice keeps being offered (let her have title but lower YOUR expectations of her) you aren’t satisfied with that. I think you want us to tell you is okay to demote her. But look: that probably will be the cause of MORE strife than you are already feeling. We’re trying to tell you this, but I don’t think you wanna hear it. We can’t tell you why your sister acts the way she does, but we can tell you that as a human it hurts to be demoted. She will be hurt. And hurt people often react with anger or pull further away, so please expect more of that after you demote her. Otherwise do as many people have suggested: let her keep the title, be gracious and include her where possible, but lower your expectations of her. Let your friend do all the fun planning, feedback, party throwing that y’all both want/enjoy, and give her credit by putting her name on the ceremony pamphlet under your sistwr’s name.

All of this sounds so sucky! I’m so sorry for all the added stress and worry! Family pressure sucks. I did not pick my sister to be my maid of honour or even be in the bridal party because of our relationship. I am getting married in April and only last week my mom asked about my sister getting info on the bridesmaids dresses. It sucked so bad telling her my sister wasn’t going to be in the bridal party...was secretly hoping they would all figure it out and leave it be. It felt bad for a day but I stand by my decision. I don’t want someone standing next to me on my wedding day who has only ever made me feel small and like my whole existence is meaningless. I can’t imagine going dress shopping and having my sister say something like that on that day! She has said things like that before and I’m done with it! My best friend is my maid of honour and she communicates with me in ways my sister never could and actually care about this stuff because she cares about me...my sister is so self centered. If you want to avoid drama you can leave it be and maybe only have your best friend do a speech or you can just let her know your feelings and that it’s done and prepare to feel really bad for a bit! I wish my relationship was better, but it’s not. I’ve tried to make an effort but I’m tired and don’t want to be a door mat! Sending love and courage!

My sister and I are also POLAR opposites. We literally share no common opinions on anything. I'm a baptist christian and shes an atheist. I'm a conservative and shes a liberal. I'm into pretty mainstream fashion and she tries to find the most off the wall outfits that she can. I live in Texas right now and she's living in India with her husband for work. While we aren't that close, I know that she tries her best and so of course I asked her to be my Matron. I also have a best friend here that I asked to be my maid of honor. My sister obviously can only do so much from so far away. She won't be attending my bach party because plane tickets would be too expensive to make two trips back... and that's okay! I do think it's nice when the MOH and bridesmaids offer advice but I don't think it's a requirement. People have their own lives. To me, this sounds more like you being strong armed into asking your sister, who you don't get along with or have a great relationship with, to be moh. While I feel for you, I think you need to tough it out. Your best friend should understand and not be offended.

She wants the privilege and the tiara of being MOH because she feels entitled to it because she's your sister. She will do nothing to earn it and then when your friend does all the work, she will take all the credit. Then when she gets married she will likely be the same drama queen, demanding things and dumping responsibilities on you and being entitled, just in reverse.

I say fire her as MOH, family issues be damned. She doesn't get a title because she's family. She does get to be a bridesmaid (if you want her to be) but she doesn't get top spot if she can't behave.

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Maybe she wants to be closer to you and doesn't know how. Maybe she is at a loss for how to connect with you? If the only thing you've gotten out of this is that you HAVE to tell her that she's not doing a good enough job, then you're doing this for the wrong reasons, or your expectations are off base.

Honestly, to save the family blow out i would let her stay MOH since you do have a matron of honor...I would have the matron of honor be the one standing next to you/holding your bouquet and signing as the witness though. Give her the more prominent of the two roles since she has been the more helpful one,

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I agree. "Demoting" would only cause excuse for drama. Keep doing your thing with your good MOH and if your sister is interested, she'll reach out.

View Quoted Comment You are changing long standing social etiquette matters. That is like rewriting the rules to the game, without telling the other players. Highly unfair. 1. MOH is an honorary title, usually given to the one or ones the bride has known longest, or has the closest relationship with. It is not a job with duties, or a promotion given to people who do more things for you.
2. Showers can be planned and hosted by any close female friend of the bride, close family or FIL family women. They may be in the bridal party, or they may not. It is whoever volunteers to do it. It can be 1 BM or MOH and not others, no BM at all, a BM and an aunt and a friend not in WP. It is your mistake assuming that just because you want it to be true, everyone else will go along with it. 3. Forget TV shows. They are not real. Dress shopping for the bride is usually not done by the whole bridal party. The bride is best having few opinions, preferably people she has shopped with before, who have the same idea of how the bride should look. Why you even took your sister, who you say is different in every way, I haven't a clue. 4. As said above, the only thing a MOH or BM is required to do is get the dress or suit, and be there 1 hour ahead of the ceremony ( or earlier if pictures are before the ceremony.) well groomed and dressed. And try to make the rehearsal itself if living closeby, so it would not mean great travel, or missing work. Or school. (Only the B and G must be at a rehearsal, or talk with the officiant.) --------- Because BM or MOH are chosen from the people closest to you, they frequently are the ones who volunteer to do parties, or help up. But it is not a requirement of the bridal party, and never has been. Because BM dresses come in so quickly, 2-10 weeks, it is not necessary for BM to order them till 4 months out, sometimes less. Unless she volunteers, says I want to do this or this, there is nothing a BM needs to do until the last 6 months. Firing or demoting her for not doing things that she does not need to do to begin with seems unfair. And will lead your family and friends to think very badly of you, not her. Yes, you need to adjust your expectations. Parties, shopping for dresses as a group or not, getting ready together or separately, and what to do about HMU, are the choice of the BM or MOH for herself. Not to be assigned tasks by the bride, family, or another MOH. If you expect a whole lot of things that are not usually done, you will be constantly upset.

View Quoted Comment Yeah I agree