Hi, I'm not sure if this is an appropriate place to be posting . Please let me know if not. I am not a bride. We celebrate our 20th anniversary this year in fact. But my husband, our 3 children ( aged 16, 13 and 12 ) and I have been invited to a wedding ( in rural Italy ) of close friends and I simply don't know whether we should go or not. I'm hoping there are some brides or grooms out there who are planning( or have had ) a destination wedding and can advise me on expectations.
When I got married destination weddings were not the done thing at all. Sure, people had weddings in places you ( or they ) did not live , but that was due to you or them moving cross-country or overseas or having families from different cities ( and sometimes even a midway point was chosen). What did not take place ( at least not in my circles ) was holding a wedding in a place where the couple had no connection to but was chosen simply because they thought it would make a lovely place to get married.
This is the situation with these friends. They have vacationed in Tuscany before and loved it so thought they would have there wedding there. No other connection to them or anyone else they invited.
When told about it a year ago ( it is in July 2019) we said we would go, despite it being hellishly expensive ( about $20000 for the 5 of us ). My husband has been friends with the groom since they were both 5. He is a great guy - part of my life for 23 years. It is a second wedding for him ( he has 2 children ). For his fiancé it is a first wedding . She has no children. Although we have only known the bride-to-befor 4 years we like her enormously. They make a great couple and I am very happy for them both. So, despite the cost and the fact that we have been to Tuscany and, while Tuscany is lovely, we would rather spend our money on seeing something new, we said yes. We can afford the trip, but it is tight. Going without the kids is not an option, nor is just one of us going an option.
Anyway we have been planning on going, booked already ( tickets are refundable as is accomodation) . ( Invitations have not been sent, only a save the date almost a year ago. We did not formally reply to the STD but they are certainly of the understanding we will be there as we have talked about it many times with them ). There has been some resentment by me of the huge cost and effort imposed on us (especially when 90 % of the guest list live in the same city - our ( and their ) city!) ). I also resent that it has meant we have to give up our plan to go to Iceland - somewhere I have dreamed of going for years. But I had accepted that is what they and and it is their wedding after all. Now I am having second thoughts. Looking through the forums I have seen so many destination wedding brides ( and grooms ) saying things along the lines of , " we invited 80 and hope 20 come ". Or , "we invited everyone so we don't feel guilty excluding people but really want a small wedding and this is a way of cutting the guest numbers down " and " if they want to come they'll come, if they don't they won't ". ie. seem to be inviting people they either don't want there or , at least, seem very blasé about whether guests come or not. So now I am thinking, do they really care if we come or not? Maybe they just have the attitude that it's about the two of them getting married and any guests , while a bonus, are not a big deal to them.
If they really want us there then I want to go, but if they are not overly fussed either way then I don't want to spend the money and vacation time and paid leave from work. How do I know how important it is to them that we be there? Can any of you destination brides and grooms let me know your attitude to whether people come or not? If any of those people you invited but don't care whether they come or not do come, wouldn't you feel guilty that they spent so much money to come? A wedding invitation does typically a huge sense of obligation with it, and a sense of guilt if you cannot make it without good reason.
What should I do? I appreciate any advice or similar experiences.
