Should we disclose that we have been married?

Personally I wouldn’t care either way. I come from a military town. It’s not odd at all for a couple to get engaged, and then legally married quickly because of all the military benefits. So to me I don’t care if the couple is legally married before the wedding celebration

And most couple that get legally married here have a wedding about a year later

I definitely wouldn't hide the fact that you're married if the two of you decide to elope. It would be dishonest and when the truth eventually comes out, because it always will come out at some point, it will cause a lot of hurt feelings from those whom you deceived. If you decide to elope, just be forthright with that decision. If people decide to not come to your celebration because they don't get to see the actual vows taking place, that's on them. I definitely understand your concerns; my FH and I are eloping next week and I know I'll be a bit disappointed if people decide not to come to our reception next year simply because it'll be "just a party", but I still don't think that disappointment is enough to lie to your guests (whether just the older crowd or not).

No, it's not okay to lie to and deceive your friends and family.

I definitely wouldn't lie and say you're not married, if you are married. I think guests would still attend regardless, especially in COVID times, where many people are doing a small ceremony this year and saving the larger reception for next year.

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This is probably my gut instinct. It just makes my FH so sad to think that his aunts and uncles won't ever celebrate our wedding with us. But you're right, that's on them

View Quoted Comment While I agree that there’s no reason to lie, I also don’t think it’s necessary to announce it if it’s going to cause problems between the family

Would you be willing to do a short vow renewal next year with the big reception so that those older family members might feel like it’s more than just a party? I definitely wouldn’t lie to anyone about it, it could really come around to bite you when people find out.

This is something we are considering, not lie to their faces but not tell them we still got married. As you said, some older relatives might not understand why there are two "weddings", especially those are older and more traditional might not want to travel for just a party, however we didn't want to wait until next year to be married for a variety of reasons not having to do with COVID that are really none of their business. We are still having a ceremony next year so that family and friends do not feel like they missed out on seeing that part. For us, doing the ceremony again is a way to bring the families together for the tradition aspect, something we can't have because of COVID. I don't want people to not attend next year because they feel jipped from this, so we will have the full experience. If people ask if we are married, yes we will tell them the truth. Either way, people are still invited to our wedding/celebration of marriage next year.

We’re getting married in a couple weeks with immediate family and having our big reception next year covid willing. We basically didn’t want to wait to be married if covid was going to make us postpone anyways (we think it’s a 50/50 chance at this point). I told my family that was local that it was going to be small just parents, siblings, and grandparents so that they wouldn’t feel hurt they weren’t invited to this one (FHs family is not local so did this to be the most fair). We’re planning to send our Save the Date with the announcement we got married and invite to a celebration of marriage. We plan to do the full ceremony next year also with the wedding party and vows etc so people don’t feel gypped and it also is more than “just a party”.
As for your older relatives if they don’t want to come that’s on them. If you’re worried I would tell them with your reasoning (or honestly blame covid it’s the easiest excuse) just so they don’t find out and get offended they weren’t invited. I love family weddings and obviously am there to celebrate the bride and groom but also love the opportunity to see family I don’t see on a regular basis so hopefully these relatives will see it that way too.

I think with Covid, people will be more accepting of this kind of thing and just be like "Oh, that's what they did".

It was important to me to have everything on the same day but another reason we postponed is because I, too, was concerned that people wouldn't travel a long distance for a vow renewal/reception. The farther out your reception is, the more likely this is, especially as new couples get engaged and schedule their events for the same day/weekend. If someone has to pick between a wedding and a reception for someone already married, I think they are more likely to pick the former.

You could lie/hide it from them but it will probably come out eventually.

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We were actually planning to have a full church service that is almost exactly like the wedding service except the vow part will be a vow renewal. I hope that this would be enough to encourage our family. We booked it at a beautiful historic church with a choir and everything, so while it won't be a "real wedding," I think it will be a lovely and worthwhile celebration of our love.

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I agree. My family will definitely be at any party with bells on. I think FH's family can be a little more cynical about the wedding celebration or at least not as interested in traveling for it (we live about 3 hours away from them). FH's family also didn't travel to our engagement party, while my whole family hauled from further away to come to mine. I think this is a difference in preference, not in love, but it really hurts his feelings.

We will be having a full vow renewal with the celebration, so I hope I can convince the family that it will be nice and worthwhile and not just a raging party. We plan to do everything that we would have done at the wedding because so many people on my side want to see it whether it's the official wedding or not.

View Quoted Comment That sounds beautiful! I think maybe it will come down to the way you word things, but I agree with you that it is definitely a worthwhile celebration of your love not just a party. I’m sure many people will want to celebrate with the two of you.

I would not lie, by omission or commission. I never really understand this dilemma. If a couple wants to marry for whatever reason, I’d expect them to own that decision and the consequences. The idea that lying will sit better with people who don’t think a vow renewal is as good as the original wedding boggles my mind. Really??? People who might judge about a renewal will be accepting of an attempt to dupe them into thinking it was the wedding when it wasn’t? There are so many ways the truth will come out and the consequences of that will likely be much worse. Life is full of choices, all of which have consequences. In my mind it’s much better to own both. Lying to relatives potentially suggests the couple is somehow ashamed of their decision and/or is trying to manipulate others — neither reflects well on the couple.

View Quoted Comment I agree. I have seen cases where an elopement was hidden from the family/friends and the reception passed off as the one real legal wedding instead of a renewal of vows. Things got nasty as a result because people were lied to. Elopements are fine, people do them all the time for reasons. Lying is never ok for any reason and once that trust is broken, you never get it back.

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I agree with all of this.

The downside to being honest with everyone is *potentially* some won't want to celebrate with you later. The downside to lying (directly or indirectly) is that you might feel added stress (I think lying in itself is stressful), you will have to remember who knows and who doesn't know (forever) and be very careful in what words you use to describe your wedding, and when the truth inevitably comes out, there will be legitimately hurt feelings.

I actually feel like being honest is a gift to yourself.

We got married in a small ceremony this year and will have the bigger celebration next year with everyone. We were really open and upfront that this was our plan and the reasons why (thanks Covid) and emphasized that we were excited to celebrate our marriage with the rest of our guests in 2021. Honestly our older relatives thanked us and everyone seems to be really excited about "just the party" next year. I think by hiding the fact you are married you will set yourself up for more drama then just being super upfront about your choice.

Don’t hide it. It’s really uncool to lie to your friends and family. I would still attend a celebration of marriage and give a gift. I’d be pissed if someone had a “wedding” that was already married