Should we tell them the date?

Ugh what a touchy subject! So my mom is definitely the same way as it sounds yours is. She is constantly putting in put in even when I've already made up my mind, telling me things she wants me to do, and comparing things she did 25 years ago to what I want to do now. HOWEVER, my parents and his parents are footing the entire bill. I mean everything but the bridal party gifts and our honeymoon. As much as my mom can sometimes drive me crazy I respect her and my dad way too much to keep that a secret. I think since you are paying for your entire wedding it is your choice as to who you tell the date too prior to invites going out.

I got lucky with my mom because she understands that my FH and I are paying for it BUT my future mother in law does not understand that. We still have a lot of time for our wedding, not getting married until 2021 but my FH's mother has already given me an actual list of people that I do not even know that she wants me to invite. It is very frustrating. I think because you are looking at a venue that is small and only fit 50 people you should have a list of friends and family that you two want to invite and explain to them when the date is, how small the venue is, and you already have a guest list made up. Especially because you guys are paying for it, they can't force you to invite more people.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. If you are telling them details about the wedding, I would just tell them the date as well just to avoid further discussions. We planned the entire wedding before we told people we got engaged, I didn’t want input. We handed out invitations pretty much right away and we got a little push back but that ended quickly.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this! Weddings are a good time to start setting boundaries. If you do end up telling them and they start pulling the things you said they will, then simply tell them no. If they aren't paying for anything then you don't have to give them any say. You can treat them like any other guest and just give them an invitation like anyone else.

This is definitely touchy but her being interested doesn't necessarily sound pushy. Again, I don't know the relationship though. If I were you, I would have everyone sit down for dinner. You, your FH, his parents and yours. Have a super honest conversation everyone together. Telling them that this is your wedding, you are paying for it and you ask that they respect that. Express that you are happy they are excited but you want to be in control of the aspects of the wedding. I think you and your FH have to put your foot down and lay down the law. Avoiding it doesn't fix anything.

I think y'all should either tell them everything or keep all of the details a secret. The "in-between" y'all are doing now by telling them some things but not all is probably torture for them, lol. Because as you said, they are really excited (even if their excitement is overbearing and not what you want). I get not wanting them to over step, but they are y'all's mom's....they are most definitely going to over step at some point, because that is what they do. Just keep politely telling them thank you for their opinion then continue doing what you want. Your FMIL is already telling people things, so I don't think not telling her the date is going to stop her from anything, IMO. Anyways, good luck....I got lucky and neither mom's have given me any real issues (yet lol).

I'm sorry you are dealing with this but I think that you are asking for problems on both sides. If you know that they are "pushy" and you know that they will invite people, I think that you will end up with way more than 50 people at your venue. I dont think it's going to matter when you tell them the date, I think that they are going to be offended and hurt that you are really not allowing them to share in this day with you.

Having dealt with people of the same nature, in my opinion, they can wait to find out the date. You gotta do what you gotta do to hold the peace AND your sanity. You can't please everyone.

I think it’s fine not to tell them. But stop sharing the details! They’re already sharing them with uninvited guests. Tell them you both want it to be a surprise and will be planning the details on your own.

When you send everyone invites though, get ready for drama! They’ll still try to invite guests. A firm “no” and that anyone not invited will be turned away will hopefully keep them quiet. Hopefully...

Here's the bottom line: you are paying for it yourselves, so you have to stand up to your parents when they try to insert themselves or invite people, or give their (unwanted) opinions. That's what it comes down to. It's up to you how much you tell them or don't tell them. But at the end of the day, you're going to have to tell them the date, the venue, lots of other things. It doesn't mean you have to cave to their every suggestion or desire. It doesn't mean you can't invite who you want, and say no to inviting who your families want. You have obviously decided what kind of wedding you want, and how many guests, etc. Stick to that, and don't let anyone bully you.

Of course, the less information you share, the longer you'll be able to put off the opinions/suggestions of others. But at some point, you're going to have to start pulling out the phrases, "thanks for your input. we'll keep that in mind. the guest list is already set. we want something small and intimate. " and many other general phrases that tell people in a polite way to back off. You and FH need to present a united front, and basically keep things to yourself until it's time to share. Make sure you are on the same page with FH so you're not blindsided by one or both of the moms.

Only you know whether you should tell them or not. I haven’t told anyone my date, just the month it’s taking place in.

Hi Anna! I’m sorry that you are feeling like this about your mother and FMIL. It can be difficult planning a wedding while trying to keep both families in the loop but not an explicit part of the planning.

You have made a really good decision to firmly stick to your guest list of 50 people. You should make both mothers aware that the entire guest list has been filled and there is no space for add-on guests. This way, even if they try to talk you into inviting someone else, you have a strong rebuttal that there is simply not enough space for them at your venue.

If you feel like your mother and FMIL will be able to join in with the excitement of you choosing a date, then perhaps you would be able to share it with them.

I know you are worried that they will try and take over your planning, so maybe you could share your wedding planning as things become definite. That way you will be able to tell them that things have been booked and cannot be changed.

I have a FMIL that started inviting people and got upset when she found out that some of those she already told were cut or never added to the list. Basically, I let my FH handle talking to her, but I know he agreed with me in the logic behind how to handle it. We came at it with a united front.

For this situation, simply, she is not contributing financially. That means she has no say on how you and FH spend that money, including the guests you choose to spend that money on. Guest list greatly impacts the overall budget for the wedding, so if she is not paying for the extra people, then there is no further discussion needed. I would go with similar to some PP, "thanks for your input, I truly appreciate your excitement for our big day. However, since we are paying for this, we would like to be mindful for how we spend money. Guest lists will impact how we spend, so it would be great if we can keep our current guest list as is"