Shower invite but not wedding

I know COVID is a thing obviously, but it still comes across as rude to invite people to a shower but not to the wedding itself. I'm pretty sure you'll have some people offended by it.

I wouldn't do it. Of course people will tell you they're okay with it, because they're trying to be a good sport about it and not hurt your feelings (especially with them knowing how much stress you're probably going through planning a wedding in these times).

Nobody wants to feel like they're on some kind of B-list, or good enough to come to give you presents but not good enough to come to the wedding-- even if that's not the message you're trying to send, it's how it comes across to many people in these situations. I mean, even if you tell everyone "no gifts", very few people are going to feel comfortable showing up to a shower empty-handed.

If I were you, I'd just get together with these people individually after the wedding and catch up with them then. It stinks, but the only other real option is to hold off on the wedding until you're able to safely include everyone you want to include.

Just to get everything clear:
I DONT CARE ABOUT THE GIFTS
The people I want to invite to the shower ***which by the way I'm not calling it a shower, I'm calling it a brunch*** had to be "uninvited" from the wedding because LEGALLY we cannot have X amount of people, honestly that number doesn't matter whether it be 10, 50, 100, 500.. family has priority and if I could have a wedding with 500 people I would so that no one felt excluded. But the truth is people are going to feel left out regardless. Every has a B list whether they want to admit it or not, you can't invite everyone from work, your sorority, church, or wherever. But I'm done explaining/defending myself. I thought this would be a safe place for me to seek advice not judgement. Thank you to all of you who have been kind even if you disagreed.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Heather!! We need more people like you! ❤️

View Quoted Comment You're welcome! 🤗

View Quoted Comment

WW can get like that sometimes, I think we've all felt this at some point or another

We do all have a ‘B-list’ but I think the point a lot of people are trying to make, including myself, is that no one wants to be reminded they’re on the B-list. Your intentions might be genuine and innocent but it’s one of those things that in terms of etiquette, even politely, shouldn’t be done. Anyway, at the end of the day, it’s your decision, that’s my 2 cents – personally I wouldn’t do it nor would I attend.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with this. I think the best and worst thing about the forums is that people are very blunt because they don't know you and don't really care how you feel. Sometimes this hurts, but it will also help you get the truth, which you are unlikely to get from friends and family who don't want to upset you.

As for a B-list, I truly don't have one. I have people who I wish could be there, yes. But if someone from my 75 person wedding declines, nobody else will be invited in their place. My wedding events will be restricted to those 75 people, no matter how much I want others there. I am having the wedding that I can afford, these are the cards I was dealt, and my desires for things to be different just don't change the etiquette.

The people on this forum understand how you feel, we really do. We are all trying to plan a wedding in the face of many obstacles, especially the pandemic. We are just trying to give you straight talk.

View Quoted Comment Your wedding is twice as big as mine was. And I would still never b-list anyone. If I hadn't spoken to them in the past year, with rare exception, we didn't invite them. But to ask them after the rsvp deadline is hurtful. To invite them to a lesser event and not THE event is hurtful. You asked opinions, you're not going to like them all. And again, you invited TWICE the number I did. Don't assume luxury.

View Quoted Comment No actually, that is not the opinion I asked for.
And we both come from divorced and remarried families, so our guest count (now because of covid) is literally FAMILY ONLY with the sole exception of our matron of honor and best man. God forbid I would like to do something with my friends beforehand.
And the people that got "cut" AGAIN BECAUSE OF LEGAL REASONS have turned into "b-ist" because they were originally invited and if enough people rsvp no I would still like them to be at THE wedding. But right now I can't guarantee that because we are still in a global pandemic. I didn't have a "b-list" before covid. I still technically don't, I have a re-invite list.

I’m having a 60 person wedding next April and my shower is in October because I want to make sure I can have it while things are somewhat looking up. We are inviting around 60 women to the shower and unfortunately some of them will not be invited to the wedding. A good portion of the ladies will most likely be joining over zoom as well. I might sound brash, but I’m not worried about hurting people’s feelings when it comes to invite envy or FOMO. There’s plenty of other people I had to cut altogether and I’ve gone over my lists dozens of times trying to make everything work. We should both still love and care about each other even if so-and-so can’t/chooses not to attend one or the other of the events.

It's always surprising to me how many people on this forum are quick to attack other brides for not sticking to outdated wedding etiquette, especially during a pandemic. I honestly should have taken a shot every time I saw the phrase "gift grabby" in people's assumptions, lord.


That said, ignore people who think Covid is "just an excuse." Acting like nothing has changed/ things aren't volatile during this time is ridiculous, especially since we have no idea when things will be "normal" again.
Personally I'd consider celebrating with people after ward if I were in the same position, but that decision is also being colored by the number of out of town family members who already want to celebrate at a later date because they can't make it to the wedding. In the end it is your day and what makes you happy is what matters--not these bizarre accusations from people who don't know you, your situation, or your loved ones.

View Quoted Comment

I hate how rude and negative some people can be towards weddings. At the end of the day its MY wedding and I choose how I want to do things. If people have a problem don't come, simple as that lol. IDC about "tradition" or "etiquette" its 2020 lol. People make a big deal over everythinggggg

View Quoted Comment

EXACTLY! And its 2020 and her wedding. If she doesn't want to go the "traditional" route or follow "etiquette" then so be it, its HER wedding lol. People are so quick to judge its so sad.

Covid is not an excuse to break etiquette. If they must be uninvited from the wedding only due to legal limit restrictions, they must be uninvited from the shower. That’s like saying “hey buy me a gift but you’re not good enough for me to pay for your meal and drinks” I’d probably never speak to you again if I were one of those guests

You either have to cut your invite list due to Covid, or budget restrictions. Which is it? Either way, this is tacky. I think if anyone uninvited to the wedding still wants to celebrate with you, if they really want to celebrate they'll either throw you a shower on their own or send you a gift anyways. But don't invite people to a shower and not your wedding. Like others have suggested, it would be better to host a celebration gathering AFTER the wedding. If you were having to cut down to 20 guests, then it would be different. Your guest list is still 100 people, not small at all.

If you want to have a bridal brunch with your friends before your wedding then do it! If you want to have a party with your friends before your wedding then do it! As long as they all understand and you are all on the same page and no one is lead on to think they are invited to the wedding when state limitations aren't allowing you to invite everyone you would like. Go for it girl! It is your wedding, your friend group, and your event. No one will know how it will go or how people will feel about it except you because you are there talking with them figuring it out.

I would not do this. Inviting people to a shower where people buy you gifts but not inviting them to the wedding regardless of reasons is very rude and makes you look very greedy. I would never attend a bridal shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding even if the reasoning behind it was covid. I think the best thing to do is after the wedding maybe do a cookout with the people who you couldn't have at the wedding.

So you are only trying to have a bridal brunch with the ~30ish people you couldn't invite? Just want to make sure I understand correctly. I think I see where people are confused on it being a shower. I was confused because I thought you were inviting 130 people to your shower but only 100 to your wedding, and I felt like that was kinda wrong. But if you are having like a let's-get-lunch-together with only the people the people you had to unfortunately exclude from the wedding, then I think this is fine. Because of course you're allowed to go out to lunch with your friends.

I wouldn’t plan to invite someone to the bachelorette/shower, and not the wedding. I know I’d be offended if someone did that to me, and I don’t even know how you could go about doing something like that. But there are two instances in which I see this being okay and which I have experienced personally. First, I had several friends and family members that attended my bridal shower(s) and bachelorette party that ultimately weren’t invited to the wedding. All of our pre-wedding events happened prior to March, so they went off without a hitch. However we were married in June and had to drastically cut down our guest list from 165 to 25. We had a church ceremony and a very small backyard gathering for our immediate families, grandparents, and closest friends (bridal party + parents + grandparents). So we “uninvited” 140 guests, as postponing wasn’t an option for us due to time restrictions. Many of these people had already given gifts for the other events and even sent wedding gifts as well (which we didn’t expect). I think it’s safe to say this was truly pandemic related, and people weren’t upset at our decisions. I also called our entire guest list personally which I think was a nice touch! So if you have already had these events, I think it’s okay to change the guest list for the actual wedding. But if not, I wouldn’t tell people they can still do half the stuff but not the rest.
Another instance in which I believe having people that don’t come to all wedding events is okay is another thing we experienced. Our church ceremony allowed for masking and social distancing in a better way than our backyard party under a tent. So we opened the ceremony up to more family members, making it clear they could come see us get married but wouldn’t be able to attend our mini reception after. We ended up with about 50 at our church ceremony and those that came that weren’t able to celebrate with us after were happy they at least got to see us get married. This could work for you if your ceremony and reception locations are different, and there’s a difference in ability for following covid guidelines. It would also save you some money not having to feed everyone!

View Quoted Comment So you know your friend unfortunately can't invite everyone she wants to her wedding, because we're living in the middle of a pandemic and there are legal restrictions on how many people she is allowed to invite. She still loves you and wants to make sure that you can be included in the wedding celebrations in at least some capacity. And the invitation specially says this is a "brunch" and not a "shower" and gifts are not required. And you... never speak to her again? This just makes no sense to me. This seems so much more rude than breaking the traditional etiquette in the first place.