Shower invite but not wedding

View Quoted Comment I agree with you on that. If you are doing a brunch where people are not expected to bring gifts it would be nice and it doesn't matter if it is before or after. But I think once you put the word shower in with it people get confused and guests may be as well and assume they are supposed to bring gifts, which is wear the hurt feelings will come from. If you do a brunch I'd probably just stick with calling it a brunch and leave the word shower out of it.

Girl. Don’t stress about it. I had to cancel and replan my wedding. Covid has everyone crazy. People know that they probably won’t be invited to the wedding, but still want to celebrate you. I stressed about this a lot about the shower. But I actually had friends (who were not invited to the wedding) ask me about the shower. I had a small in person shower and an online streaming portion as well. That was 2 months ago, and I’ve heard no complaints or back-biting. My friend who threw the shower actually took it upon herself to explain to the guests (who are not invited to the wedding) that though they would not be invited to the wedding due to Covid restrictions that I still loved them and wanted them to be able to celebrate with me if they were able. Some came, some didn’t. It took the stress off me and still allowed me to celebrate with my friends. Honestly, everything is unprecedented and unscripted in Covid. You do you and be happy! Don’t worry about coming off a certain way or all that etiquette. You got this! And congratulations!

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You wrote "shower" in your subject line. I am not sure how people are supposed to guess that you actually didn't mean a shower. You also gave your budget constraints as the reason for wanting to invite people to your "shower" who you aren't also inviting to your wedding. This forum is all about communicating via the written word, so it's kind of funny to get upset at people for reading and responding to the words you posted.

But anyway, obviously you can throw any events you like, call them what you want, and invite whomever you want. There are no "shower police" who will show up at your door to complain. Might some of your guests feel you are being rude? Sure. Will they tell you this? I doubt it.

It seems like some people really overestimate how much others will want to be invited to anything other than the actual important event, which is the wedding itself. An invite to a shower/brunch/whatever you want to call it shouldn't be treated as a consolation prize to not making the cut to be invited to the wedding. Neither COVID or budget are excuses for poor etiquette.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Grace!! Glad there's awesome people like you (:
My matron of honor already talked to the certain friends and they are happy to be thought of and invited!

Etiquette =/= tradition

Tradition is just the way things have been done. Etiquette are social rules that help society function and people relate positively to each other.

Tradition is having a cake, while bucking tradition might be having cupcakes. Etiquette is not asking for money or posting your registry on the wedding invitation because it sends the message that you want your guests there for gifts.

Tradition is wearing a white dress, while bucking tradition is wearing black/purple/rainbow/pink/etc. Etiquette is inviting couples as a social unit, even if they aren't married, because it is hurtful to guests to devalue their relationship.

It's really important for us not to confuse these two things. Ignoring tradition is great, more power to you. Ignoring etiquette is rude and inconsiderate and likely to hurt your guests.

View Quoted Comment This! People confuse them all the time but they are not interchangeable or related.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for sharing this. A lot of people get them confused and think they are the same.

A 100 person wedding is neither small nor covid friendly. It being all family or you paying for it on your own is irrelevant.


Few people are going to say to your face that you're being rude or gift grabby. In your text you said "bridal brunch/shower". You need to be clear about what this person is being invited to. A shower is a gift giving event. A brunch is a free meal.
Don't use covid as a pretext when you're inviting 100 people. Don't call it a "shower" if you're not interested in gifts.
Inviting someone to a bachelorette or brunch when you're clear about them not being invited to the wedding is somewhat acceptable.Inviting them to a shower is gift grabby.

I don’t think that there should be a blanket rule on this when it comes to Covid, BUT I would say if it comes down to only budget reasons, this would not be okay.


With Covid however, I think it should be judged on a case by case basis. I was married in August with 120 guests, and had a 50 guest shower in July. My good friend was invited to both. She is getting married in December and due to her state specific restrictions, can only have 50 guests at her wedding. Her and her fiancé both have large families, and they will make up their entire guest count. She is having an all female shower in October, also of 50, which I’ll be invited to. I am so happy to be included in this as she is a good friend of mine and I am happy to be able to participate in at least one of her festivities. It isn’t fair to call everyone who does this a “gift grabber.” Some of these situations are unavoidable, and people are trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

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The OP said "shower". It's common knowledge that a shower = gifts. I would completely understand cutting a guest list due to a pandemic. If OP wants to do a "brunch" she needs to call it that and specify ON the invitation, "no gifts." Idk, still rubs me the wrong way though.

Normally I say that with Covid pretty much anything goes at this point but I just dont think theres a way to do this without being incredibly rude. Basically youre asking for a wedding gift but then saying theyre not important enough to be invited to the wedding. If youre cutting your list, they have to be cut from all the events. Only way this could be acceptable is if you had your shower before finding out you had to cut your guest list. But if the shower hasnt happened yet, thats just not gonna work

I invited my co-workers to the shower because in NY we are only allowed 50. That's just wedding party and family to the wedding. Friends and colleagues are just invited to the shower.

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Yes. I agree.

we are getting married 3 of April, 2021. began the planning just after Christmas and it's been a quick wear your tennis shoes planning...lol but i have so many family members and friends all over, across the border, across the USA. The thing we had peace about doing was to have only 50 people at the wedding, half of that is the wedding party. Then immediate family like my dad and siblings and close friends. Had to make tough choices while mourning the loss of my mom due to COVID last July 2020. So people have been understanding, yet it's so hard because of the desire to have everyone around you during mourning and trying to celebrate.

I decided, and had peace to let the rest of friends/family that after the wedding, when they have peace about it due to COVID, we can come to them, and we can have a backyard celebration with family units they are comfortable with, outside, and with masks etc. One in one city, another in another, and then maybe across the border when things are safe all around. Then I was also thinking that when the time came, to invite each unit for a virtual bridal shower, and then go from there before that actual celebration. Or even virtually for with them all. I agree that with COVID it is good to have healthy boundaries, respect one another, and keep those grace choices for us and those we love. They have all been understanding and thankful, appreciated, because we were direct with love, and informed them in the right moments (also not posting on social medial about it so that no one feels left behind, kind of thing). I think once the wedding happens, we can post a few pictures, but also be mindful that not all were invited and don't want to remind them in a rude way or trigger that. Everyone is emotional, and wants to be part of, in the midst of my mom's loss. I say to myself, one thing at a time. When in doubt, ask wise friends/family and remember that it's ok to move forward, for me, with Jesus' help and support. I wouldn't be able to do any of this without all of my support group and lots of prayers.

I hope my story is of help to someone out there!

One step at a time, one moment at a time, one decision at a time.

With love,

LG

If there are people you want to enjoy a nice time with why not have a nice lunch meet up? Or invite them to your house and host them for a get together? Make it clear it is not a shower, but you hosting them to spend some time together before the wedding.
I’m an older bride and not having any sort of shower or gifts or anything, but I plan on doing some fun lunches, etc with friends before the event. Not gift giving events, just fun times.

The "we're paying for the wedding ourselves," argument is not an excuse for rude behavior. I see it all over the place on this forum.

I think it would be fine if the shower had already happened--but since it hasn't, it would be much less rude to not invite those people to the shower as well as the wedding.

Your wedding is your wedding, so if you would rather have your friends at your wedding than some of your extended family, then you make this decision and don't doubt it.

Some people may still even give you a gift though--and of course if they do, make sure they get a thank you note.

Etiquette still applies in Covid because it is how you navigate social situations. That does not change for a pandemic.


You cannot invite someone to a shower/luncheon and not the wedding itself.

Yes, it is offensive. It has happened to me. We are invited to an after party celebration but definitely a gift event from invite. I think it would be fine to celebrate but I would prefer if it said "your presence is gift enough" or something like this if not invited to the wedding and not just a gift opening event. Otherwise, it does seem greedy. In addition, the registry is all cash for this or that-they don't want people to buy them an actual something for their home which is think is a bit rude also. People who want to bring gifts will and will be able to do so with a little less sting of not being invited. It seems like you only replied to people who agreed with you, but most are saying no-especially given you have 100 guests! Not really a Covid reason. Also, when people ask you to your face, it is hard to say you are hurt or offended but as it sinks in, I think it is not worth damaging a relationship.

Sounds like you're here to get validated for this idea despite the first line of your post. "I know under normal circumstances it's tacky to not invite someone to the wedding if they're invited to the shower/bachelorette party. "

Covid took choices away from many couples, but this is a choice you're making. The circumstances aren't exceptional. It's a rude plan and will offend some people.