Sibling Issue

I think it is completely natural (and expected) to be disappointed. I wouldn’t be mad/upset with him though. As you stated, the work event was already scheduled prior to your wedding. They had already told her employer they would be attending, and a considerable amount of money was spent on their behalf. If they were to now back out at this point, it would be seen as rude and unprofessional by her employer, which could have a negative effect on your SIL’s career and/or relationship with her employer. Under the circumstances, I do not think it’s fair of you to expect them to cancel their plans in order to attend your wedding. Because you are the one scheduling something on top of their already established plans, the burden of decision really lies on you to decide which is more important: A. Your brother attending your wedding B. Having your wedding at this particular venue or C. Having your wedding on this particular date
Once you figure out what is most important to you, you can go from there. If having your brother attend your wedding is most important, you either push your wedding back to a later date, or you find another venue. If keeping your venue is more important, you simply continue on with your plans, knowing your brother will not be able to attend.

First of all, I am so sorry you are going through this right now!

I fully appreciate that the work event was organised first and that your wedding unintentionally double booked them, but if it were me, I would be very disappointed that they have decided to favour work over a major family milestone.

Given it is your brother's wife's employer, at the very least, I would expect that he come to the wedding alone and she attend the work event. Is there any way they can consider this arrangement perhaps?

I think the SiL should attend her work event alone and your brother should attend your wedding.


However, if you knew they had existing plans and you booked the venue anyway, that's on you and I'd be miffed if I were your brother. Surely there is more than one venue in your area. Did you check with him beforehand?

If it was previously scheduled , then that’s on you for choosing a date that he wasn’t available. I understand the venue availability issues and it’s a bummer and a hard choice for sure. I absolutely get being upset that he can’t make it, but I don’t think it is fair to be upset *at* him for not changing his plans when it was you who chose the date that didn’t work for him. If there’s a place to aim frustration, it’s at the venue for their limited availability, but there’s not much to do about that.


Since this is a prepaid already booked trip related to your SIL’s job, I don’t think him just choosing to back out and come to your wedding instead would be a very simple decision. It would cost the company money which would look bad for SIL and be potentially damaging for her career…there’s definitely a lot that goes into a big work event

I'm sorry this is happening. But if it were me there is no way I would proceed with having my wedding on that date without my brother in attendance so I would either find a different date the venue doea have available even if it is later than I really wanted or find a completely different venue with more availability. Also did you check with those closest to you about the date before you booked it? If you did and he told you of these plans then unfortunately it's really on you for booking this date knowing full well he couldn't make it. Either way it wouldn't be fair to hold this against him. His wife's work has spent a lot of money and the time planning this event so they really can't back out without causing major issues with her employer.

Yes, it's wrong to be upset with him. It's fine to be disappointed that he won't be there, but it isn't reasonable to be upset with him when you chose a date that conflicts with a prior commitment he and his wife have made. You can choose whatever date you wish for your wedding, but you can't expect anyone else to cancel plans they've already made prior to knowing your wedding date. In this case canceling on the trip could harm your SIL's relationship and reputation with her employer. If it's important that he be there and the venue you chose has absolutely no other dates available this year then you should look into changing venues.

Thanks everyone for the input. I just want to clarify that availability for anything this year was about zero due to all the pushed weddings from last year..we actually got very lucky with a cancellation. It's just an unfortunate situation I guess. I'm sure I'll be a little sad on the day, but will move past it.

It's reasonable to be sad, but I would try really hard not to let this affect your relationship with your brother and sister-in-law long term. I couldn't afford to attend two different brothers' destination weddings and I am glad they didn't hold that against me.

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Hi Maggie! I'm reading this thread b/c I'm in a similar situation and looking for other's insight who have experienced this.
In October, my brother is getting married in NY and I live in Colorado. He booked it on my only free weekend, and invited my daughter to stand at the alter. I'd have to book plane tickets for my daughter and myself, miss half week of work, she'd have to miss school, and I'm in a super tight financial situation since I just sunk every last penny of my savings into buying my first home, and have had to quarantine 2 weeks due to covid exposure, so missing out on 2 weeks of work right now. bad timing. I don't have the money for a trip. This is so hard.

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Hi Maggie! I'm reading this thread b/c I'm in a similar situation and looking for other's insight who have experienced this.
In October, my brother is getting married in NY and I live in Colorado. He booked it on my only free weekend, and invited my daughter to stand at the alter. I'd have to book plane tickets for my daughter and myself, miss half week of work, she'd have to miss school, and I'm in a super tight financial situation since I just sunk every last penny of my savings into buying my first home, and have had to quarantine 2 weeks due to covid exposure, so missing out on 2 weeks of work right now. bad timing. I don't have the money for a trip. This is so hard.

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Yeah, it is hard. In both cases (the weddings were YEARS apart, one in Spain, one in Japan; I live in the US) I was so conflicted and the decision-making process caused me so much stress. But in the end, I realized that I simply couldn't afford it, so there was no real decision to be made. Going into debt for a single event in a life-long relationship is not a real option. I remain thankful that neither brother allowed me missing their weddings to change our relationships.