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Just Said Yes March 2021

Some unfortunate drama with mil

Kelly, on March 8, 2021 at 3:09 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 19

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My wedding is 4 days away. My FH’s father recently had surgery. He stayed over at his parents house to help because his mom couldn’t totally take care of him alone. He spent a few nights there. Friday night, I went over because have a lot of planning left to do. Until now, I haven’t tried to involve my MIL too much because she can’t stand when someone disagrees with her opinion. If she asks, I share. But I learned previously to not share too much. So while we were planning, we were talking about writing our vows. My FH suggested we write our own. I was very shocked because he’s not great with words but I thought it was sweet. So we were chatting about vows, looking at examples, watching wedding videos to get some inspiration. His mom was around and started to say really mean things about the vows she was hearing. She went on and on about how those are so fake (the ones in videos) and she believes people shouldn’t promise unrealistic things like promising to not go to bed angry. She was being really catty. My FH told her several times to stop saying rude things, that we appreciated her opinion but weren’t asking it. She went as far as to say what does it matter, most weddings end in divorce. She said all that while I was there and another cousin of his. He and his cousin called her behavior out. I ignored it and felt it wasn’t my place to say anything. After I left, he confronted her and asked why she was saying that. She went off and said it was her house, she can say whatever she wants. Well the conversation between them ended really sour. She’s now unwilling to participate in the ceremony and refuses to give a toast at our wedding. I can tell my fiancé is really hurt..I am wondering if I should talk to her. I’m also hurt by what she said because my own parents are divorced.

I’m really trying to not let this get to me but it is super hurtful. Advice on what to do?

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19 Comments

Latest activity by Eniale, on March 9, 2021 at 9:24 AM

VIP May 2022
Ava · on March 8, 2021 at 3:42 PM
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It sounds like his mother is an irrational hothead. Those types of people nearly always come around in the end. I highly doubt she is not going to show up to the ceremony. And as far as the toast goes, I bet she will change her mind on that as well, but if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t let her. She seems like a person who has no issues saying inappropriate, hurtful things, no matter who is around. That is not someone I would want giving a toast at my wedding – who knows what she might say! Honestly, I think she’s probably looking for a reaction from you and FH, and wanting you guys to beg her to attend. I wouldn’t play her games. I would just tell her “I know your son would really love for you to attend, so I hope you reconsider. And under the circumstances, I completely understand and respect your feelings that vows and speeches are
“Fake”, and respect your decision to not give one. We will replace your speech with somebody else”
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on March 8, 2021 at 3:44 PM
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I honestly don't think there is anything you CAN do. You should follow your fiancé's lead for contact with his parents. And it's pretty hard to imagine that you talking to her would help anything at this point. Your wedding is in 4 days, just get through that and hopefully that relationship can be repaired in the future.
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Just Said Yes March 2021
Kelly · on March 8, 2021 at 3:52 PM
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Yes, that’s her personality in a nutshell. It’s really unfortunate because he knows that’s how she is. She has pushed away so many people in her life due to that mentality. I asked my fiancé if he wanted the mother son dance still and he said yes. He called her and asked what song she wanted because she is a big music fan. she said she would find one. But now I’m hearing from another relative she’s upset he asked and didn’t give her a heads up..I won’t even tell my fiancé that she said this. He really loves his mom but he’s so hurt by her actions.
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Expert September 2022
Allie · on March 8, 2021 at 3:53 PM
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I agree with both Ava and Maggie on this one! They have really sound advice and insights!
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on March 8, 2021 at 4:11 PM
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She sounds irrational and like anything you would say would be a waste of time because she is going to say and do anything she wants because she feels like she can. I personally would be relieved she wouldn't be giving a toast because I would be worried what she might say. I would also stay out of it and hope she changes her mind about attending.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on March 8, 2021 at 4:22 PM
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Nothing for you to do. That's his mother and he must deal with her.
I would just ignore her abd go around her less often
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on March 8, 2021 at 4:22 PM
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When I say ignore her, I mean ignore her negative comments
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VIP April 2022
CountryBride · on March 8, 2021 at 6:12 PM
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Ignore her, Is she divorced? I wonder if she has a sour taste about marriage due to being divorced? I would ignore her and focous on your vows, I bet your vows are gonna be beautiful and meaningful
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Master 0000
Judith · on March 8, 2021 at 6:23 PM
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Let it go, and learn your lesson. You already knew to minimize wedding conversation around MIL. You did it anyway, on the witches very own territory, where she may express any opinion she wants, and you have absolutely no right to shut her up.
You blew it. So erase that particular mess from your memory as though it had not occurred, except, this time remember : Under no circumstances at all do you discuss the wedding, or marriage in general, around her. Practice saying UmHmm in a way that no meaning can be derived from it. That, or complete silence with no rolling eyes or other expression, os the only reply you make to anything wedding within MIL hearing. If she does not want to come, comes but no makes no toast or is going to put a black cross on the cake, intends to use a bullhorn to make announcements on the meaningless thing that is marriage, ANYTHING, do not respond. Ignore the BS, while FI helps with physical care of Dad
Talk no wedding stuff at all. You knew this, and talked wedding anyways, and it was a miserable experience. Don't do it again.
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Just Said Yes March 2021
Kelly · on March 8, 2021 at 6:51 PM
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That’s a good way of looking at it. She will be in attendance, just wont be participating in the unity candle ceremony (I specifically picked a script that would include both our moms for the sake of having them feel included). I am going to stay out of it from now own
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Just Said Yes March 2021
Kelly · on March 8, 2021 at 6:54 PM
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We had no choice but to talk about it at her house. Our rehearsal was the next day and I wasn’t going to see my fiancé until the morning of. I didn’t want to but felt I had no choice. She totally blindsided me with her comments because the last few weeks she was better with talking about it.
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Just Said Yes March 2021
Kelly · on March 8, 2021 at 6:55 PM
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Nope not divorced. But my parents are..so the comment about most marriages ending in divorce was definitely a dig at me directly.
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Master 0000
Judith · on March 8, 2021 at 7:19 PM
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So you got another dose of FMIL poison. Just put her on " Ignore" again, the problem will not go away. As long as this necessary care brings her face to face with Groom, you have to tolerate it in her house. But her satisfaction comes from getting a rise out of you. Don't give her the satisfaction. Ignore her completely when nasty, she will shut up and try something else. Might get desperate, and act civilized.
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Devoted May 2022
Tory · on March 8, 2021 at 8:53 PM
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I wouldn’t stress yourself out about her and how she’s acting. The things that she said were super uncalled for, and immature for someone who should be supportive of her son and your relationship. I would just let her be and hope that she comes to her senses on her own (or maybe leave it up to your FH if anything, but I wouldn’t get involved). If she doesn’t want to be involved or give toasts she will end up regretting it in the future and that’s not on you or your FH when she was being unnecessarily rude and hotheaded. I still hope you guys can enjoy these last couple days leading up to your wedding and I hope she comes around for you guys!
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on March 8, 2021 at 10:54 PM
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Why do you think that was a dig at you?
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Expert April 2022
Fred · on March 9, 2021 at 6:33 AM
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I disagree with this:
". I ignored it and felt it wasn’t my place to say anything." : Even though she's not your mom, it's your and your partner's wedding , not hers. Everytime a chat is "wedding-related", you have the right to confront her, no matter if it's a blood relative or a future in-law. You shouldn't interfere about a family drama/argument/fight you're not involved in, but you are involved in YOUR AND YOUR MAN'S WEDDING.
The fact sh'e unwilling to be involved in the ceremony and toast = she's showing you her true colors. I'm not sure why you're worried , having her as a normal guest is still better than having her giving the toast since she doesn't offer the 2 of you an unconditional support. You're hurt it's logical. But having her involved when you know she doesn't respect your vision ... If I were you I wouldn't talk to her or try to get her involved.
Let someone else give this toast, someone who trully support you and your man.
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on March 9, 2021 at 9:06 AM
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Wow. She sounds like a real piece of work. Honestly, I would not say anything to her about it. I know she has hurt your feelings, but since she is not your mother, I would just let it go. And honestly, I would be grateful that someone so rude and cynical was not going to make a toast at my wedding!
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Expert September 2021
· on March 9, 2021 at 9:15 AM
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My FMIL are extremely close, so if this were me, I would simply tell her she was being obnoxious and we'd move on. But your FMIL seems a like a little more to handle LOL. I agree with others that you probably should just let your fiancé take the reins and let him handle this, kind of follow his lead. I wouldn't even entertain a grown woman throwing a temper tantrum when she didn't like your wedding plans.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on March 9, 2021 at 9:24 AM
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I understand you are hurt because your FH is hurt.
Unfortunately, that is between him and his mother.
Never get involved in the relationship between your spouse and their parent.
I despise my MIL. I think she is wicked. I heard her screaming at my husband when he was only 16 years old that he was a "worthless piece of $^%&." But he loves her and he wants her to love him, so I learned a long time ago to just keep my mouth shut about her.
Any choices she makes, she will have to reckon with. If she wants to make a jerk out of herself in front of everyone by not participating in the ceremony and not making a speech, then let her. If your FH wants her to be involved, then he needs to talk to her about it - obviously, he has no issue confronting her, so he can do it now if he chooses.
My advice to you, though, is just stand back. She may be doing this to get a rise out of you - and if you start your marriage off that way, she'll know she can get to you any time she wants. Or she may just be a short-tempered brat, in which case you should not humor her. No matter the reason for her behavior, the best thing to do is not acknowledge it.
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