Before Covid, my parents celebrated their 65th wedding anniversary in June of 2019. My son asked if he could bring his girlfriend to the celebration. I said no-we have a no ring, no bring policy re holidays and serious family occasions. My son asked if my husband and I would reconsider. I said no and also pointed out this would be unfair to his sister, who, while she is married now, did not bring her then boyfriend to any family events or holidays until they were engaged. I told him he knew that was how our family operated.
The anniversary party happens and my son does not show up. I call him and he says since his girlfriend could not come, he was not going to be there. He said they were serious and this would have been the perfect time to introduce her. I told him that I had no idea he was in a serious relationship and two, this would not have been a good time because her presence would have distracted from the occasion. Introductions would have to be made to all the family and friends there and everyone would have been trying to get to know his girlfriend.
My son said he and his girlfriend were hurt that an exception could not be made. Fast forward to Thanksgiving of 2019. My son invited us and his sister and her husband and my granddaughter to his place to introduce his girlfriend. We find out that they are engaged. That was a big surprise and I felt very hurt that was sprung on us-I would have liked to have time to get to know my son's now fiance.
I told my son this later in an email-which he told me he shared with his fiance. My son told me that we, his family were last to be told because we seemed unsupportive and that is fiance's family was told first, because they had supported them every step of the way-it was an eight month courtship.
My husband I were hurt by this, but we still extended to help with the wedding any way we could. My son told us that was not necessary-he, his fiance and her family would do it all. My son says that his fiance's family feels we are racist as my son's fiance is African-American and that our no ring, no bring policy was extremely hostile and unwelcoming and that she and her family feel unwelcome by us/
During the pandemic and before, I reached out to my son's fiance-to go to lunch, shopping-before the pandemic. Each time I was turned down. During the pandemic we have zoomed with my son and his fiance has never been in the room or tried to join in. There is nothing from her end other than radio silence.
This is not how I imagined my son's wedding to go nor a relationship with my son's future wife. What more can I do?
