Stepmom doesn't seem interested

It may be worth having a conversation with her directly about this. Let her know that you're trying to keep her included in wedding things, but you feel like she's not interested in it. I think clearing the air about what she seems to be expecting from you when you've already reached out is the best idea.

I'd have a sit down with her and ask what really is the issue. Be open minded and hopefully things can be hashed out. Also, check your own feelings and do a real self-examination of why you feel the way you do about her seeing as how she has been around since your kinder years. Thats a long time to not feel so "warm and fuzzy" about a person who is now your step mother.

Good Luck

Are you including her just to be nice or do you really want her there? I ask because based on what I read you are doing that just to be nice but if she is not showing her interest then I would not include her anymore and make it easier on yourself. If it is bother you because you want her there then I would ask. Also, how is her relationship with your mom bc if it is not the best maybe she feels awkward?

I am so sorry that you had to experience that. Have that conversation but hold no reservations or guilt. If you don't really desire for her to be a part and only want her to attend, so be it. My father isn't even invited to my wedding and you know what, I'm ok with that. I am going to send him a letter and let him know how I feel and why. I refuse to invite him just because he fathered me (not be a dad). We don't talk, and I haven't seen him since my cousins wedding in 2018. Being my friend on Facebook is not enough. Think about it like this. If you only want people there that have had positive impact in your life and relationship you can do just that. If you want her there to witness and celebrate that is good also, but don't by any means feel guilty for not "including" her in parts of the planning until you 2 talk it out (if at all possible or necessary).

I still think maybe they are civil but best apart so maybe for her she does not want to be involved in a situation where your mom is or maybe she is not interested. I would not ask her anymore as she clearly has not shown interest and if your mom ask simply tell her that you attempted but she has declined the offers.

It seems like, from her actions, she doesn't want to be involved. And from your followup posts explaining your relationship with her, I'd just leave it at that. Don't include her anymore. If ever she brings it up and asks why she wasn't included, you can explain what you just did - that you offered several times and she declined those invitations. Nobody would keep inviting someone out to their barbecue after they'd been declined 3 times in a row. They'd eventually just stop. Don't let your wedding be the olive branch that you're trying to extend to her - your wedding is about you, not repairing relationships. That can be saved for another day, either before, or after the wedding, but not on the day of, and certainly not because of it.

My mom (the one who birthed me) did the same thing. She changed the subject when wedding planning came up, she has now stated she will be wearing "cream" to the wedding (because in her mind that isn't considered white), and she hasn't offered to help with anything. I mean nothing. I mean it never crossed her mind that I might need help and even after I asked, she said she was too busy. Like your step mom, who replied with "I'll pass", my mom just said, "nope" and kept doing her chores.

You likely have so many other people who are excited to be celebrating this day with you. If she's not one of them, it's her loss. Not yours.

I def agree with Willow. I would feel really foolish continuously trying to include someone in an actitivty they keep rejecting. I would definitely stop making efforts to involve her. You've been MORE than nice trying to get her on board. You've done your part.

It seems like you are trying to be cordial when you don't want to and she is trying to go along with it and she doesn't want to. Any conversation you have with her should be short and sweet, "Would you like to be a participant? Should I keep trying to help you feel like you are an important part of this day?" Those are direct questions and you should get a direct answer. After that, you can move forward without worry that you aren't pushing her to do something she doesn't want to do or in the opposite case, she will know that you want her involved and you are at least making an effort.