Stressed moh

Wow that's a lot. If you feel like she's not respecting you and it's effecting your job or life negatively then frankly I think it's fine to even drop out of the wedding party

It sounds like there is some miscommunication on both of your parts. Why would your husband buy tickets to something that falls on her BS? Did you not tell him these important dates? Also, did she clear this date with you and the rest of the bridal party? If she didn't, why would she say she did? Wouldn't it have made sense to plan a trip back home the same weekend as her bridal shower? Two birds, one stone. I would be disappointed too if I worked hard to find a weekend that works for most and people still didn't follow through.

Unfortunately, that is the name of the game with destination weddings and bi-coastal friends. They are expensive and you might not be at every event, but you had every right to say no and she should expect that some people might not be able to afford the costs.

In terms of you celebrating your 1 year? Can't you extend your trip for the destination wedding and make that your anniversary celebration? Again - 2 birds, 1 stone.

I think we all know that weddings are stressful and I think you really need to be her friend right now. If she really is one of your closest friends, let her know you love her and you are doing everything in your power to support her from afar. If you really can't afford the cost of both the wedding and being in the bridal party, let her know that. Let her know you might have to skip out on a few things to be able to be there on the day of the wedding. If you can't do either, you have to step down from the bridal party. This isn't something you should go into debt for.

I understand that you feel like it's all about her. But try to look at it from her point of view and try and remember all the stress that weddings entail and show her some compassion. Is this worth damaging your friendship over?

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Yes. I've been very stressed and bothered about it lately. Not to mention when we were telling her 1.5 yr ago about how we would like to spend our 1st anniversary and actually my 30th bday which is around the same time her response was "well you can still do something". I've known her almost 10 yrs and I always felt she was a great friend until now. I know brides go through phases and are also stressed but I just don't feel appreciated right now.

Anything could have prevented you from attending her bridal shower but it wasn’t an emergency or money that prevented you. It was you changing your trip because your husband bought tickets for a show that was happening when you should have been at her shower. I’ve never believed that BMs are required to attend the shower, but your excuse for that (at least to me) is a little lackluster. You knew when her wedding was when you agreed to be in it. You could have just as easily said no. It isn’t her responsibility to work around your anniversary getaway to plan her wedding. How is it possible you’re getting in trouble at your job for missing training if that time off has already been approved? That makes no sense. It honestly sounds like you don’t want to go, so just don’t. I don’t think your friend has done anything wrong here.

It sounds like you never wanted to go in the first place, so every little thing that happens, you are upset about. Now, I am not judging you, at all, I have BEEN here. But lets break it down factually:
"She asked me to be in the wedding, and I accepted as she was in mine just last fall." You didn't accept because she is your friend and you're excited, but out of obligation.
"First, before she started planning her wedding I told her how my husband and I always said we would celebrate our 1 yr and have a nice vacation which would be about a month after her wedding date now...due to her wedding we would have to settle and just go to the city for a weekend getaway." What on earth did you expect her to do, move her wedding date to next year? You shouldn't have said yes if your vacation was more important to you (which would have totally been acceptable!) but she is not selfish for setting her wedding date there.
"Lately, I've been feeling like she's been kind of selfish and only worried about herself. I feel like she hasn't considered the time and money people are spending just to see her say "I DO" to a guy that broke up with her a couple yrs ago b/c he wasn't "attracted" to her." I don't see any explanation to how she's selfish here, all I see is that you don't respect her relationship because they took a break a few years ago. You do then go on to where I'm assuming the her being selfish is coming in:
"We are spending roughly 3k and we would be at the resort 4 nights but I'd only have 2 free days because of wedding activities the day of our arrival and the wedding the next day." What do you mean you only have 2 free days! The other days aren't some kind of prison, they are your friends wedding, at a beautiful location, with fun events planned! Yes, 3k is a LOT of money, don't get me wrong. But you. said. yes. That is a normal destination wedding price. People planning DWs know not to expect everyone to be there, nothing you have said strikes me as over the top behavior from the bride.
The rest of your post is you talking about how you were flakey, and how the bride said "hey, you're being disinterested and flakey." Honey...you are! It is clear you don't want to attend this event, and you don't respect their relationship, it seems like the bride has picked up on that. You've been a busy bride. You KNOW it takes up a lot of your time, it is not her fault a lot of her reaching out is about wedding planning and not much else. "That sucks" is a fine reply to a bridesmaid who has been flakey and disinterested and is now complaining about how the wedding is negatively affecting her life in some random way.

Now, please don't think I am reading this message and thinking "get over yourself lady! how could you think these things!" I'm reading your message and thinking "Oh god, this is me last year. This is exactly me."
I was in a wedding last year. I was disinterested in the couple, they had taken "a break" a few months before and I judged their relationship very harshly (Sound familiar?). She had us pick whatever dress we wanted from davids bridal. I complained to close friends, "Isn't this the worst? Why do I HAVE to go to davids bridal? Can't I try to match the color and get my own cheaper?". She had us go to a local painting place for her bachellorette. It was $75. Internally I was bummed. What am I supposed to do with this painting thing? Why did I pay for this? I was annoyed at the rehersal dinner with something a bridesmaid said. I was annoyed at the wedding with how long the wait was for photos. I said something stupid to the bride. I. Was. The. Worst.

I was in a wedding last month for two of my favorite people. The bride had us pick whatever dress we wanted from Davids Bridal. I rejoiced. We went to that same local painting place. I was excited to have a keepsake of our time. We waited for guests to arrive to the rehearsal dinner for a while. I enjoyed my time and was just excited it was finally here. Nothing could have annoyed me that day. I was prepared to handle any task. I didn't even care when I had just painted my nails and the task of mulching a garden came up. "Me! Me! I'll do it! I'll find gloves! Lets go!" I. Was. The. Best.

Same wedding, totally different versions of me. So ask yourself: change it to your best, closest friend. How does it look then? They've found the love of their life. They're so excited. You're so excited. It's a destination wedding, around the time you wanted to go on a vacation with the hubby. No problem, that's basically a vacation, awesome you get to vacation and celebrate all in one! She asks if you got your tax refund, weird question but you know she's just wondering since she's asking you to do something pricey. She hasn't been responsive and most of your correspondence is about the wedding, but that's fine, you've been there. This is affecting a lot of stuff with your new job, but you wanted to go on vacation this time of year anyways, so it was going to be affected either way, best not to bring it up and stress out your friend. Different story, right? Realize that if your attitude is all that changes the story, your attitude is the problem, not the situation.

I am not judging you. I am telling you: I have been you. My advice for you, (for myself, if I could go back): Realize it. Don't deny it. Don't try to convince yourself you are excited. Do NOT blame it on the bride. Looking back I recognize it: NOTHING was her fault. She was a delight. She is now a friend I am closer to, and every time I think about how I acted, I cringe. The typical $400 bucks it cost to be a bridesmaid (in my area, I know different for your situation) is not much when you are excited. But every $30 bucks you spend at a brunch or shower you don't want to be at, on the other hand, feels like a million bucks. I can't imagine if I had spent $3k for that wedding. If there's time: back out. Tell her you've been trying so hard and you're sorry for being flakey but you just cannot do this, you have been stressed about it and you just don't have the budget you thought you did and you cannot attend. If it's too late to back out, change your attitude. Stop internally complaining about these things! If you fill your head with negative thoughts about this wedding, you cannot just wake up day of and expect to be able to say "I'm going to be good and think positive!". You need to fuel yourself with kindness for this bride and groom in the months leading up, so that that is what spews out of you at the wedding, not grumpiness about your judgement of their relationship and wedding style. You didn't have a DW, you didn't have a fancy this or that, and that's awesome! But you cannot judge her for having those things.
I know this was long, and I know some of it was blunt, but girl, 3k for a wedding you don't wanna be at...just drop out! Please! Save yourself and the bride the trouble.

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Trust me it doesnt make sense to me either which is why I'm going to talk to HR regarding it but my job said I would receive 2 occurrences b/c the training is mandatory.

This is a lot of disrespect the bride has shown you. I don't blame you if you drop out of the wedding and limit contact with her. She seems to believe the world revolves around her, which is definitely not true!

I have actually already paid to go to the wedding. We will have some debt but hopefully it can be paid in about six months to eight months. Maybe I'm being a little selfish b/c I feel going into debt for someone else is a little ridiculous. Also, no I don't think she should accommodate my plans but she could have at least acknowledged that we did have plans and at least let us know she truly cares that we would push our plans to the side to be there vs just saying well you can still do something else. I want to be there to support her on her day I'm just not happy about it and the cost is somewhat impacting how I feel because I don't think its ok to have ppl pay thousands to see someone get married. But to each its own I know that part of it really has nothing to do with me. Your day is your day. I don't want her to be upset with me b/c we have been friends almost 10 years and we have never even had an argument. She was in my wedding, and did spend money probably about $400 total, so in a sense I felt like I couldn't say no I feel forced to go. Even when she asked me to be in the wedding it was in the middle of a bar during football playoffs how can I say no. I'm not sure if thats the way to look at it but thats how it feels and thats possibly why I'm feeling the way I am also. I guess I will have to push how I feel to the side b/c its honestly too late to back out b/c its a month away, and that would probably make things more awkward than they are. Even if I bailed on the wedding we would still have to go to Jamaica b/c the flights are non refundable and we could just find a diff resort. She has also said from the moment I declined the BP that the wedding was the most important so maybe I downplayed the BS and I take responsibility for maybe not taking it as serious as I should have which I told her and apologized for.

View Quoted Comment That's not really her fault that you are going into debt for her wedding. Only you know your finances. You also make your own choices. You decided to book a trip you couldn't entirely afford. You didn't have to say yes just because she asked you in a bar during a football game. If anything, that is the perfect place to be like "this is a lot to take in, let me think about it since this is a destination wedding." I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that was supposed to be local and then she changed it to a destination after I agreed to be in it. When she told me the change I let her know that I wasn't sure. That I, of course, wanted to be there; but I was also planning my own wedding and just wasn't sure if I could afford such a drastic change.

It sounds like you are mad that you couldn't express what you were and weren't comfortable with and are now in debt and taking it out on her. And unfortunately, to her, it probably looks like you agreed to all these things right off the bat and didn't come through/ are complaining about it. I would avoid contacting you too if I were her.

View Quoted Comment Everything you said is perfect. And so true.

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All of this. Have a glass of wine and meditate on this. If you're going to be in the wedding is time to look at your contribution to this situation and try to find a way to be at peace before you get there. Good luck

Why not just not go? This sounds like this is stressing you. If you want to celebrate your 1 year in style, and can't accommodate both, then choose one and be happy with your decision. It's her wedding, she shouldn't have to consider your anniversary. People who can and want to, will show up for their wedding. It sounds like you're really struggling with this, so I hope you make the decision that will give you peace.

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I agree 100% with everything that was said here. I really hope you don't take offense to this comment. It is really good advice and another perspective.