Struggling with small wedding

So yeah, it was our decision to have it small and I need to live with it... did anyone else have these sorts of feelings? How did you deal with it?

Edit: Also, when I was on the phone to my parents a couple of weeks ago Dad made some comment like "oh, it's only what a 10-minute ceremony at the registry office?!" even though I'm pretty sure he knew that that's what it is... so even though Mum said (I asked) that he's fine with that I think I'm probably also feeling a little sad because of that.

Is there a possibility you two can push back the wedding, save up and do something a little more? I get it, you want to celebrate this huge event in your life with loved ones. It's not a necessity but it would be nice. You can very easily throw a wedding but keep a decent budget ($****). Look at rental halls, local restaurants that provide catering or bbq companies, discounts, etc. your not stuck yet on this date and people change date (before sending invites).

Or save up and have a destination wedding over there

My parents are actually paying for the wedding so money's no issue (to an extent!). FH is really against inviting more people, though. He wanted to elope just the two of us and it was already a compromise that we can invite immediate family.

But that's the thing, exactly. It's not a necessity but it would be nice!

Hmm, i mean ultimately it is a compromise. Have you explained to him your reasons for wanting more loved ones included? Has he mentioned reasons why he wants to elope or not really have a "typical" wedding? Does he have not a lot of close friends? I mean i understand if it was money or if you two were saving for a house or something. But this is a big moment in your life and it is defiantly worth celebrating with a bang lol.

That's a tough one, maybe retalk to him but only if your able to do it without taking whatever is said personally. Because I'm sure he wants you to be happy too.

I think a destination wedding would be kick ass in Germany.

He doesn't have a lot of close friends, and he doesn't really get on with his extended family. And I think for him a wedding is not really as... important? as a wedding is for me. I'm still happy to have a small wedding, but I think Dad's comments are weighing on me more than I realised. But Mum just sent me a really nice, helpful email:

"Gosh Sarah, I don’t think you should be feeling sad! You are marrying the person you love, and you and I both know that Copenhagen is a lovely city and I am sure it will be a lovely occasion." ... "Remember that Gran too got married away from family, she didn’t have anyone close at her wedding" ... "Dad and I will be there and we are the people who care for you most in the world after (FH)."

I would talk to your FH again... also you know in Germany you can get the town hall officiant to come to a place of your choice. You could get married for example on top of the Zugspitze ( highest mountain) and then eat in the restaurant there or some other meaningful place for you two.

Could you have the ceremony some where else? Not sure how it works in Germany. Here sometimes people will have a ceremony of say 5-10 people in a garden, by a lake, or the rooftop of a building. So it's at least a little more scenic than say a courthouse.

I have the opposite problem. I wanted something small, everyone wanted the big "traditional" wedding. I gave in and really regret it. There is a lot other problems that come with adding more people.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better about it OP. However, I would consider a godmother a VIP, so if you really want to include her as well, If talk to your FH and basically lay out the reasons you'd like to invite her-not all of your extended family, but just her, and see if hed be ok with that.

We are actually going to Copenhagen (as it's easier paperwork-wise there than in Germany as I'm not German) and apparently the town hall there is really nice. So that's something... they do offer outdoor weddings but a) I don't know Copenhagen enough to say "We want our wedding to be in xyz park"; and b) the weather is way too unpredictable!

You should be having the wedding you want within your means. It's possible to plan a beautiful wedding on a budget, and that's what I would suggest in your case to allow extended family to attend. It can still be a small wedding, but you can have it at a venue that is reasonably priced with an officiant. If that's what you want you need to talk with your FH.

Could you have a local celebration of marriage in Australia after the fact? Its a large party but it can be much more informal and you can still have the wedding day you both want. I agree with extending the guest list slightly, but once it's not just mom and dad, people are going to be angry they are not invited, whether they would travel or not.

Actually I think it's because our current plans aren't very "weddingy". Right now we can't actually plan much because we can't apply for our wedding date until 4 months before (but neither can anyone else, that's just how it works in Denmark). So we're not even sure what the day's going to look like, plus the ceremony is sometime between 11-12:45 if we get it on the Saturday like we want, so then it's "only" going to be a (late) lunch 'reception'... which also doesn't feel weddingy at all!

My parents are paying but they've also said that we can use the rest of the budget they've given us for whatever we want (but it has to be for something like a house deposit or our future children's education etc) so that also makes me want less to spend the money on one day when we could be using it to put towards a house... tricky balancing act!

@MDEasternShoreBride I suggested even having a party here (in Germany) when we get back for our friends / his family, but FH is against it. So I doubt he'd agree to have one in Australia where it would be exclusively my family + friends! But thanks for the suggestion

Sorry Sarah R. Yea, you're in a tough spot trying to please FH and your family and yourself. Good luck!

I say scrap what everyone else is doing and focus on the two of you then Sounds like you liked the idea at one point for a smaller wedding. At the end of the day, regardless how big or small or who's there, you'll only notice your FH and how you feel on that day, overwhelmingly happy

Hi Sarah. I kind of understand. FW and I are inviting 0 people. Not even immediate family. It's going to be just the two of us, photographer, and officiant. There are days when I think about it and I feel terrible. There are days I want my mom there, I want my sisters and brother there. I think about how FW's family would love to see her.

But then I think of all of the reasons why we chose this. Not only was it budgetary, but because of the very estranged dynamics between people in our immediate families that would cause a lot of stress on the both of us. Travel was also a big one. We live far away from all of our family. Also, we wanted to just celebrate us alone. Do things the way we want. When you start inviting people that gets blurry. In the end this is what we BOTH wanted and regardless it's going to be a hell of a day.

What about asking him to expand the guest list to include your aunts and uncles? If that is the part making you sad it sounds like a good compromise.

@smox I just found your BAM, it looks amazing!! I love the 'we're not doing anything we don't want to do', I think that's so important. And your dress and coloured shoes are what I want too

Re: people feeling hurt... It's a fact that the average wedding has more guests than just immediate family, so it would surprise me that anyone could take offence at that. Especially considering I'm also having a small wedding so clearly don't think they're "bad"

@Jeanmarie: The important thing is doing the right thing for you! It sounds like you've made the right decision for you both. Advice I could tell myself

@Rosered: I have 6 sets of aunts and uncles so that's not really an option unfortunately. Even though I really don't think any of them could financially come, clearly I was just surprised that one set could! Plus I'd want to invite their son but then that would open up needing to invite all the other aunts and uncles and cousins and their children and when does it stop! Then plus FH's whole family which is also pretty big. Better to not, but thank you for the suggestion!

Just save up for it