Hi all! I’m having mixed feelings about taking or not taking my fiancé’s last name. I’m someone who strongly believes traditions should be questioned, and I won’t do something just because it’s the way it is or the social norm. (Please send thought and prayers as I plan this wedding and navigate the intense pressure from my severely traditional mother!) If the tradition makes sense and works for the parties involved, great. Keep it. If not, I think it should be tossed. I just don’t have a definitive urge or strong feelings to keep or scrap my last name, but we have both discussed and agreed that we are not hyphenating. We both have three syllables in our last names, don’t like the sound, not sure if we are having kids, but I personally believe it can be an issue later on in a kid’s life. What if they want to hyphenate when they get married, and their fiancé has a hyphenated name? Where does it end? (NOT a criticism. It’s great for some people! Just a thought). He’s not pushing me and doesn’t have strong feelings either way, but he does not want to take mine or create a new one, which I respect. Truthfully, I really don’t feel super strongly about either choice. I want to consciously make the choice though rather than out of the path of least resistance or social pressure. I just haven’t been the type of bride getting excited to be called “Mrs. [his last name].”
Here are some of my pro/cons to taking a last name. I’m interested to hear what others are doing or have done and the reasoning behind that choice.
Pros: I like the way his name sounds with my first name, it feels like a nice way to be a united front starting a new chapter in our lives, it’s closer to the beginning of the alphabet , IF we have kids, it’s easier, kind of a fresh start, it shuts up most people’s unsolicited criticisms since most expect me to anyway.
Cons: the tradition started as a way for men to claim and show ownership over a woman. That’s not the way we (and most people) roll, so why do it? Why does a child HAVE to take the father’s last name? I’m in my mid-thirties, established in my careers (college professor as well as personal trainer and fitness instructor), and I’m known by MY name in my community. Most, yes most, of my friends are gay, and so I’ve witnessed all sorts of hyphenating, keeping their own, and choosing one last name, but it feels more equal when there’s not the whole patriarchal history and expectations behind it. And then there’s the paperwork: social security, IDs, credit cards, shopping accounts, three different professional emails with my current last name and one personal, employer forms, etc.
What did you do/are you doing, and why?