Telling My Biological Father He Isn't Invited to the Wedding

Aww hun! I am sorry. I can commiserate. I know how it feels to feel guilty over this kind of stuff. It really is his loss. Think of all the times when you were small that you felt hurt by him. If it didn't bother him to hurt you, then you shouldn't worry about his feelings. I know its easier said than done, but he has had your whole life to have a relationship with you and he didn't try. It's okay that you don't feel that close to him. He should have been there for you and it's his own fault that he wasn't. The only person he needs to be upset with is himself.

You made the right choice! Always know that. He forfeited his right to be involved in the wedding when he chose not to be in your life as a young girl. Remember, all those years your father never felt bad about missing out on your life, your wedding is included in that. He doesn't get to pick and choose when he gets to play the role of "dad". You and your grandpa are going to have a great moment when he walks you down the aisle! I hope your day is perfect!

View Quoted Comment

Thank you so much! I tried to steel myself against the fact that he was likely hurt by not being invited. But I don't feel close to him at all and my mom and grandparents deserve to have a fabulous time as well. So I felt like it was the right thing to do!

View Quoted Comment

Thank you for the affirmation! And I'm SO looking forward to walking down the aisle with my grandpa and even more so doing the grandfather granddaughter dance!

I feel it was a bad move. The past is the past. Maybe just inviting him would have been good. No matter what he is your father. People make mistakes and he can't change what he did in past but you must release whatever past hurt you have and move on. Try to give him a chance to be better.. No ones perfect but if not giving the chance to learn from past mistake how will you ever get better. Have you ever had a serious talk with him about how you feel? Also, try to get his side of the story so you can mend yourself and not hold anything in your heart for him. Life is short.

I would call and do the dinner after the honeymoon. He may say no but it's important you ask.

View Quoted Comment

That will be so great!!!

View Quoted Comment I'm not trying to be mean, but have you been in a similar situation, I have. I tried to invite my father who's been absent for the last 7 years, but because he didn't get to walk me down the aisle, he's not coming. Just because he's your "father, " that doesn't make the pain and heartache that he caused just go away.

OP, I think you made the right move. You gave him an opportunity to celebrate later on. He doesn't get to be absent from your life and then claim the glory moments of being a dad.

View Quoted Comment Never did I said he gets to claim the moment of walking her down the aisle I said at least inviting him would be good but when does the pain stop for her so she can heal herself if she doesn't want to buy him or walk down the aisle that's fine but reflecting on the past doesn't change anything at all even her doing the dinner afterwards what be nice as well it's neither wrong or right I suppose it's by whatever you feel in your situation but we must as humans learn to forgive and move on not for others before ourselves

View Quoted Comment You can move on in your own way, which includes cutting out people that don't add positivity to you life.

I don't think he basically said no thanks to your invitation for a private dinner at a later date.. I think he was just a little taken back about not being invited to the wedding. You did the right thing for you, and I think you handled it extremely well. It was very respectful of you to call him to break the news rather than him finding out some other way.

I think you should still invite him to a nice dinner once you get back from your honeymoon, as long as you truly want to. You can still have an okay to good relationship with him going forward (if that's what you want) even if he can't be at your wedding.

View Quoted Comment

I also agree with this, especially since you have been building a relationship with him. I think you need to talk to your mom and her family and let them know that you want him to be there. You were going to invite him. The only reason you didn't is because your grandma told you not to. And the reason why you feel bad because it's wrong. Had you not heard from him since you were 8 and he popped up today that would be a different story. But you as of recent have been building/mending a relationship with him and that's why you should invite him. You are pushing the relationship backwards. Now because you have your grandfather who helped to raise you I don't think he should walk you down the aisle. But he should definitely be there and maybe, possibly have a dance with him, but not the father daughter dance. That should be reserved for your grandfather. Or have two father daughter dances or just have your dad cut in near the end of the song

View Quoted Comment That's what I was saying.

View Quoted Comment

I think that's probably the right way to go!

View Quoted Comment

I'm hoping that's the case after all! And I'm open to a relationship if he is also willing to make the effort!

View Quoted Comment

This is a long and complicated story that I tried to condense for this post. But I don't want him there. I also don't want him not there. I literally do not care if he comes to the wedding. He's a stranger to me and it does not affect me in the slightest if he is present. So when I found out it would affect my family that has always been there for me, it was a no brainer. That being said, I don't like hurting people, even strangers. So as much as I do not care if he attends the wedding, it was still an uncomfortable and awkward conversation. It makes me feel bad to hurt anyone and that was the sole reason I felt bad. I also have always left the door open for him to have a relationship for me and he has never tried or made the effort. I have not been building a relationship with him and he still basically has no contact with me and doesn't make the effort. So this is in no way pushing the relationship backwards. What relationship? And there was no question of him walking me down the aisle and he absolutely does not deserve the honor of doing a dance with me at my wedding. It would be like dancing with a stranger. So weird! I wanted to thoroughly explain the situation because I don't want my true family to be looked down upon for this. They are awesome and I'd do anything for them!

View Quoted Comment

Yeah I know this was the absolutely right thing to do. The past may well be the past, but he's never chosen to be in my life in the present and that's what counts. I've always left the door open in the event he wanted to build a relationship with me and he never has. He has a relationship with my half sister. But I'm just a nice idea to him, and a person he doesn't know. Once I knew it would upset the family that loved and cared about me it wasn't even an option to invite him. I also disagree with the statement that no matter what he is my father. There is a reason I label him as my biological father. He is technically that, but he was never a father or a dad to me and that is something that is earned, by being there for your child and loving and caring for them. This is something he does not and has never done. People make mistakes and I do not hold a grudge for what he did, but I refuse to hurt the family that's always been there for me for a stranger who's never been in my life. I never held a grudge against him and always said if he makes an effort to be in my life I will welcome him and that has never happened. If anything I feel sad for him and sad that his decisions have led him to this moment. But again, that's on him, and not on me. I have always known his side of things and it's pretty inexcusable in my opinion (considering I'm hoping to have children soon and can't imagine abandoning them). Life is short. It's also too short to waste time catering to those who've never valued you.

View Quoted Comment

I have to say I've met with a lot of backlash for this decision as well and I think a lot of people find it hard to understand when they have and love a father. To them they can't imagine it and project their feelings onto other situations (which I totally get I think we're all guilty of it!) But yeah I feel for you and kudos to you for inviting your father.

I actually don't have pain and heartache for the fact that he's always been absent in my life, but I do feel sad for him and for his decisions. To me he's a stranger and it was more about hurting a human being that made me sad, rather than feeling a loss that he wouldn't be there.

View Quoted Comment I'm sorry so many people don't understand. I definitely think you made the right decision. Of he's not important in your life, there's no point in ruining the day of people who are important to you. Thanks for the kudos, it's been a rollercoaster ride for sure.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks, hope it all ends well for you! It's supposed to be a happy day! And I don't begrudge people for not understanding--it's so strange to so many people, but I also don't want my family to be villainized because they mean the world to me and I also don't care so I don't like to be thought of as a damaged person. I pride myself on having been able to be really well-rounded despite that and not getting hung up on it over the years.

I remember in the 8th grade our school psychologist came in to our class to talk about divorce and how lots of kids thought it was there fault. A lot did in the class and that's fine. I get it. But when she got to me I said, I don't care. It really didn't change anything. I guess we had more fun after he left. And the psychologist kept telling me I was in denial and did I blame myself for him leaving? Did I cry because he was gone. And when I tried to say I was indifferent to him leaving, she just wouldn't accept it and told me lying to myself would only hurt me. Lots of reactions are acceptable. I just happen to have that one!