The Bachelor Party- strippers allowed?

I think you should let him know how it makes you feel.... IT SHOUKDNT BE DONE!!! instead offer that you'll do a lap dance yourself the night of your wedding. Why does he need to go off and see other women?! Its true how he is gonna marry you and its THE EXACT REASON WHY HE SHOULDNT DO IT. This is an insane thought! I dont even know who invented this. I mean if his groomsmen want to go off and see other women its fine they should do it on their own budget and on their own time. But a bachelor party should be to congratulate the groom for his happines. And he is already happy enough with having you and being with you. If he wants to do it now and with all these reasons he's gonna do it then what gives you the hope that he wont do it AFTER the wedding? Trust is not an issue! its about RESPECT and what is dealing with your heart... which is the most important thing.

Thanks for everyone's responses! They have really helped me organize my thoughts. My FH still does not understand where I am coming from, although I explained "It isn't that I am afraid you would run off with a stripper, it's that I feel uneasy and disrespected knowing a girl other than me is rubbing her naked body against you." He actually told me that he doesn't know why he is marrying a stupid Georgia girl when he could have a Brazilian hottie. "There are a million girls hotter than you," he said. I know it's true, but it definitely doesn't make me feel any better. We've been engaged for 2 years! Shouldn't he have addressed this by now?

Umm, ouch. Sounds like maybe there is a different discussion needed than one about strippers. Just my opinion, no offense meant. If it bothers you this bad then he should respect that and you guys should be able to come up with a different option, together. Respecting each other and your feelings/opinions should be your top priority.

I agree with Raven....the issue here is not whether strippers are ok at bachelor parties...the bottom line is that it upsets you, so even he doesn't agree with your reasoning he should respect your feelings and not want to hurt you for something as frivolous as strippers

For me strippers were never and issue. I personally dont like them and can see why a lot of women are against them, but I have seen with a lot of my guys friends (who think of me more as one of the guys) that if a woman tells them they dont want them to do something they want to do it more. A strip club is almost like a right of passage for some of them and they dont want to miss out on it. Honestly, I like to dance and I go to clubs and if a guy wants to dance, we dance. My now husband doesnt care. Because I always come home to him and he knows I wont do anything with that guy. Same goes for him and strippers. If he wants to go and look, so be it. The female form is a beautiful thing and I can understand why he wants to look. Lap dances are just a added "bonus" for the guys (not that I like it) The plus side to strip clubs (if you know there is no temptation of cheating) is you get to have all the fun when he gets home. LOL

As to him commenting on the way you look, dont take it to heart. He is most likely upset about the "restrictions" and is trying to make you feel better by saying "even though there are prettier girls out there, I still want to be with you and looking at one of them is not going to change my mind about that". but anger gets mixed in and everything just sounds like and insult. Again, i have been around a lot of guy friends for years and have had to help them understand how what they meant and what they said were two totally different things.

CelticChick- You are so guy-smart.. your explanation for why he commented on my looks is exactly what he would typically say. Well, what he hopefully will say. Also, my FH is exactly how you explained guys in your first post. He never wanted to go to strip clubs, but I mentioned my aversion to them and suddenly he is willing to throw away our entire lives together because he feels I am trying to control him. I am just so dumbfounded by his (over)reaction that I don't know what to do. How do you convince someone you aren't trying to control them?

I can imagine what he said would be hurtful. Maybe wait for him to calm down and try speaking to him again later. Its very important to resolve things like this. I personally believe its important for us to not be made to feel uncomfortable for fear the guy may run off because of we say we dont like something. I would happily dance with other guys and not think anything of it but I know my FH doesnt like the idea of me dancing with men he doesnt know so I wouldnt but thats because I respect his thoughts and feelings. I have a lot of male friends and I make sure my FH is comfortable with them and would never do anything to make him uncomfortable. Its the same for me when it comes to strippers and things. He respects that I dont like the idea of it and because of that he doesnt do it. Its not something he feels he needs to do and its not worth making me uncomfortable over. Its important that you both respect what the other is comfortable with.

Also lets face it if our men love us and want to be with us they arent going to leave us or run off and do things behind our backs just because we arent comfortable with it and if they are like that they arent the right person. I think when we truly love a person we are respectful of their thoughts and feelings. I dont think its fair to say if you dont let them do everything they want they will leave. Marriage is about communication and at times compromise. Maybe one day you'll feel okay about him going to a strip club as long as their are no lap dances involved.

Its a hard one and truly up to you, but with my husband, I had to calm down and unfortunatly be the firs to say I was sorry. In this case sorry for sounding controling, then continue with the reason YOU dont like strippers and how they make YOU feel and how it would make YOU feel if he went. At that point you have to decide if you are willing to let him go without being upset if its something he truly wants to do. As long as he knows how you feel, he can make a choice. He might go because he wants to, he might go because he know now that you dont want him to, or he might act mad for a while, say hes going and they say the guys changed their plans and not go at all. You never now. But if he continues to feel like he is being controled, he will do it anyway and just hide it from you. Be as calm and as open as possible and be willing to except his decisions or a compremise. Maybe you can go with him (wink wink. LOL)

Im sorry but Jamie J. you said that going to a strip club doesnt mean they love you less. is that not disrespectful? to go out and commit adultry? "if even a man lusts after a woman with his eyes he has commited adultry in his heart" im sure i am a small voice in a small crowd going against the majority but i strongly believe that this is not showing love.

Well by that logic Shell if a guy looks at porn he's cheating on you. Granted, having gone to catholic high school I have learned by this point NEVER to take anything said in the Bible at face value. I think that even though I don't look at it, porn is alot like a strip club. If you view it every once and awhile its OK but if it gts to the point where you're doing it all the time and hiding it from each other then THATS a problem. He's being straightforward about the fact that he's going so that's good. Like I said before, it's not that I LIKE the fact that FH is going to a strip club. However, I know its something that he's looking forward to (possibly because his friends are making him feel like thats what he SHOULD be doing) and I don't want to take that away from him. I know he wouldn't do anything with a stripper-- I plan on giving him the "dont do anything you wouldn't want me to do" and send him out the door.

And can i say one more thing... whenever i was dating in the past, i always thought, if we were to get married, what would HIS bachlor party look like?? i often knew right then and there that this person would not be "the one" that they would not respect me as i wished they would, and that they did not have the same morals or values as i did. when it came down to it, this would not be the one i would marry. and i am so thankful that i judged past realtionships like this.

Shell, I believed that for a long time to. If a man truly loved me, then I would be enough for him. I would be the most beautiful and amazing person he knew. This just isn't the case here, and in some ways (such as his porn usage), I've accepted that he is a man with manly desires, even though I always thought my FH wouldn't be that way. He refers to me as a "sexual prude" because of my aversion to strippers and porn. Really though, it was just the way I was raised. It was the kind of love my mother wanted, and it's the kind I wish I could have. Being with my FH has made me lower (to perhaps a more realistic level?) my expectations. Still, I wish I was all he needed. I wish my body was enough.

@ Shell, I wont pretend that I am religious because I am not but I do think that it is wrong to just be told if you say you dont want him to do it he'll do it anyway. I know my FH and I know that because he loves me as much as he does that we respect one anothers opinions and feelings. Saying that if we dont let them do everything they want to do that they'll sneak off is a load of BS. Im sorry but I have a lot of male friends and when they fall in love they respect their partners opinions and feelings. Also I think it is important to have enough self respect to stand up for the way you feel and not just let the man do whatever he wants or feel he'll do it anyway. My FH has told me things he does not feel comfortable with and I respect that. I dont think we should be telling others that our feelings need to be ignored or men will do it anyway.

I told FH if he wanted to go to a strip club, fine. But no lap dances or touching of any kind. I personally find it disrespectful and why pay to see boobs when you can stay home and play with them for free. He said he wasn't interested so that sounds great to me. If he does decide to go I will send my brother along to make sure his friends don't get out of hand. I trust my FH completely but I will not tolerate some nasty stripper crawling all over him because one one of his friends thinks it will be entertaining. What your FH said was very mean and he is being inconsiderate of your feelings. How would he feel if some hot hunky guy was grinding all over you? You could be with someone like that if that is what you wanted. I think he needs to take a good look at what is important in life, JMO.

NAB- yes i do look at porn that way, the same way i view going to a strip club.

skmason i hate to ask this, but are you setteling with your FH?

you should NEVER lower your standars. if i had who knows where id be today. 4 months ago today i married a man who i though i would never find. i had struggled with the fact, or so i thought, that i would have to lower my standards or never marry. but i was blessed with a man that is far above my high standards. he has never gone to a strip club and never well, he veiws women and mothers and sisters and respects everyone. i love him more everyday for who he is. and there are more out there like him. your high standards are realistic.

Skmason, im sorry to say this but you should not feel that you are not enough. I am in no way a prude, I dress up for FH and all those fun things we do together. I have watched porn with him occasionally and we get a good giggle out of how ridiculous some of it is but having a naked woman rub up on him i draw the line at. My FH tells me all the time that im the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He says he'd rather see me naked and dancing for him than some girl he has to pay who means nothing to him. Maybe im just lucky in that way as I know not all women get someone like that however you should always feel that your partner finds you beautiful. There is compromise in marriage so maybe try to accept the porn to some extent unless he is looking at it constantly. But dont feel like you need to just go along with everything he wants or you will feel like you deserve better than that

Also may i add, he may be a man with maly desires but thats not what i call it. i call it a lack of self control. we are to rise above our animal instincts to have self control.

i think this article gets my point across better then i can

http://www.drlaurablog.com/2009/03/25/the-pope-the-rabbi-and-condoms/

Sorry i have alot of typos...

"views women AS monthers AND AS sisters"

"with MANLY desires"