The Bachelor Party- strippers allowed?

Skmason-- I think you hit the nail on the head

Shell-- I completely get what you are saying and respect your opinon (I think I read it wrong the first time)... I think I personally, among other people that I know, get a little heated when people bring the Bible into things. I respect everyone's choice to hold their own values regarding religion, but I don't really like it when people bring it into an argument because in my opinion the bible was written thousands of years ago and doesn't really stand anymore (eg-- should we stone someone who cheats on her husband, no not really because then you will be killing someone, which is against the Commandments)....etc. I understand that some nice stories that are meant to teach a lesson come from the Bible. I just don't think that a solid argument can be made from it

He may be refusing to go to couseling because he may be afraid of his own insecurites. Looking back I understand that now with my ex. It still doesn't mean he can be hurtful in any way. Just know you are a beautiful woman and I truley wish you the best and HE should feel blessed that he has you in his life.

@skmason....I know this will sound repetitive, but I too have been there. He is taking any anger or issues he has and is blaming you for them (that YOU make him so angry, not looking at the fact that HE is the one who can't control it). He should be telling you how lucky HE is to have YOU, not the other way around. You sound exactly like me about 5 years ago. I thought that what I wanted only existed in the movies, and that I would have to lower my standards and expectations to find what I wanted. Then, I found my husband. THEY DO EXIST! If you have to question your relationship, then something is wrong. I do not in any way want to tell you how to live your life or your relationship, but for your sake (and the sake of any future children you may have), take a step back from the wedding planning and REALLY look at this man. Is he someone you want passing down values and morals to your children? Will he stand by you in 30 years when you are wrinkled?

Thanks for everyone's advice.

DFW, that is the big question. I suppose all I can do is try to talk to him and convince him to seek counseling for his anger issues. I just have to prepare myself for the worst- If he doesn't apologize and agree to at least talk to me about the issue without insulting me... I don't know what else to do except leave (we live together, which makes this situation even more difficult). I don't have any close family or friends to stay with in the area... that is one of the million reasons I have been trying to avoid leaving. I just don't have anywhere to go.

Also, I have one more question for everyone... What is it like when your FH is angry? I have been with my FH for so long I have began to assume his occasional (certainly not daily) tantrums (telling me he hates me, calling me dense or stupid) is just something ppl do when they are angry. I have to be wrong, right? Is it normal for your FH to get so angry?

and Raven, you're completely right

Skmason no that is not normally. When FH gets angry with me or frustrated he walks away for five mintues comes back in and talks to me. Usually within about 10minutes we have resolved things or are both calm and talking about what we are trying to say. He has never yelled at me raised a hand to me or insulted me. We both agree to try and stay as calm as possible (im the more feisty one lol) We never go to bed angry and I think the longest argument we have ever had is about an hour before we both had calmed down and sorted it. Do not be afraid to leave for fear of no where else to go. If you dont leave and you stay together and get married are you truly going to be happy?

Sk I totally understand. That makes it very scary. When I was in that position and decided to leave, I used a site called www.roomates.com. I would highly recommend it!

My FH doesn't get angry. He may get frustrated but is able to talk things out without yelling or name calling. when I left my ex I didn't have anywhere to go, no friends or family so i just rented out a room with a family that lived in the area. Then I met my FH

I would say that each person/couple is different.... I personally know that both my fiance and I are very verbal and very stubborn. When we fight, we certainly get into it and I will admit that there can be some name calling going on there. However, physical violence is NEVER OK... and if you ever get to the point where you wonder if he REALLY means the name calling and its not just something said in anger than that's not OK either and you should address that. Some people may think that the way we fight isn't OK but honestly for both of us its better to just let it all out so we can move on. So I think only you can know the best "fighting style" for you but if you ever get to the point where you wonder if its all really worth it THEN you need to so some serious thinking about your relationship

When my husband is upset with me, he calmy tells me and we talk about it. we have never yelled at each other or called each other names. in fact, we dont even say "shut up" even jokingly or in common conversation ex: "shut up!? no way??" because he sees shut up as disrespectful.

we dont fight, but when either one does something the other one didnt agree with, we sit down and talk about it.

i NEVER thought i would have such a blessed marriage and such an amazing husband.

And i'll also add that i am super stubborn and am not usually the first one to admit fault, however he brings me to a point of resposibility and i am now more and more able to say that i was wrong.

Shell, your marriage is inspirational. Thanks for letting me know it's possible!

Skmason- IMO you need to leave this relationship ASAP! You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you look up the signs of an abusive relationship online, I bet you will find most, if not all, apply to you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I've seen this far to many times. There are services out there to help women in your situation. IDK if the house/apt is in your name, but it doesn't matter. If he's acting in a threatening manner towards you, and you are scared, then call the police and have him removed from the house. If need be, get a restraining order. The fact that he tells you that you're stupid and dense, and that he hates you is a serious red flag! There is NO EXCUSE for someone who is supposed to love you to say those things to you, especially more than once. Do you have a friend at work? Do you have family? Even if they live out of state, go to them and let them know you need a place to stay for a while. If you are questioning you relationship, it's your cont.

I know for me, it's all about the tone used when the argument is going on. If either of us gets a nasty/hateful tone we stop and check ourselves and try to calm down & continue to discuss the issue.

I say this b/c he calls me a dork all the time and I call him an A$$, but it's kind of a playful pet name kind of thing. (we're weird I know)

Now I had an ex that was very hateful (tone-wise) whenever we would fight and things got VERY heated (slamming doors, throwing things, cussing and name calling) then once we both calmed down we would talk about it and everything would go back to normal. This went on for 4yrs, me just accepting that as our "fighting style" Then we had an arguement that ended with my nose broken, eye blacked and all 4 tires on my car sliced. End of relationship. I was totally blindsided--as bad as things sometimes were between us I NEVER thought he'd hit me (especially with him knowing my history of prior abuse) Come to find out he had hit EVERY one of exs,

Cont. consciousness telling you to leave! Abusers always blame their "victim" for making them angry, or making them say bad things, and they always apologize, but they continue the same behavior. I am very sorry if I've scared you, but I am concerned for you! Please seriously consider what I said! Good luck!!

no one every mentioned this to me and outright lied when I had asked about his prior realtionships. I tell you this b/c I know what it's like to convince yourself that it'll be okay and it's not as bad as it could be and to settle b/c you just overlook the bad and focus on the good parts. I thin kyou need to really talk things thru with him an think about if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Love is not meant to be that hard, it shouldn't need to be "fixed" you should be able to argue with out being scared. I think counseling is a very good idea and if he won't hear of it then you should worry about taking care of you.

So, I'm joining the thread kinda late, but just wanted to give my two cents. My fiance and I don't have many disagreements, and we definitely don't raise our voices to each other. We are both kinda stubborn, so when one of us is upset, it makes the other person upset. But we always come to a resolution. He has NEVER told me I was stupid. In my humble opinion, you can't have a relationship without respect. If your fiance doesn't respect you now, he's not gonna change when you are married. Just think long and hard about it. It may be a hard choice to make, but make it for youself.

@ RavenK

OMG, my fiance and I do THE SAME THING. He calls me a dork and I call him an a$$. LOL, it's always in a joking manner, like you said "playful".

SKmason.....there are so many posts on here that I only read about half. But if you have a problem with porn and strip clubs, and your FH does not, then you shouldn't be with him. You obviously have different opinions on life, and getting married won't fix that. I am with you, my husband would be in BIG trouble if I found him looking at porn. All he needs is me. I would never have married him if he was the type of guy that wanted to look at that stuff. He went to Hooters for his party, which was fine with me. Cute girls, but they aren't touching you. Plus, he doesn't want to go to strip clubs. That is completely disrespectful and I would say it is cheating. Especially a lap dance. If it is not ok with you then it should not be ok with him. And he told you there are hotter girls out there????? WHAT??? No no no, that is not ok. There are better looking girls than all of us, but the ones you love think you are the hottest thing ever.

It sounds to me like you have doubts. Remember that marriage won't fix anything and it won't change him. If you have issues with his behavior now, then don't get married. It will only get worse. You mentioned not thinking your FH would be like this. Then that is a big red flag. Sorry to be so negative, I have a minor in pscyhology so I know a little bit about some of this stuff. I don't know you but I truly just want you to be happy!!!!!!!

LOL... the "type of guy that wanted to look at that stuff"... and just what kind of a guy is that? As far as I know my FH doesn't look at that stuff but if he did it wouldn't really bother me because I don't feel threatened by a picture. I guess I'm the only one who is bothered by some of the sweeping generalizations made by some people in this forum..... everyone has an opinion about so called "creeps" who go to strip clubs or look at porn on occasion (I will agree however that people that engage in this kind of behavior like its a second job have a problem). Am I seriously the only one who doesn't like the high and mighty attitude? This response isn't aimed at any particular poster but really!

I'm joining late too but when I read this post I couldn't help but say something. When my FH is angry he stays silent for awhile and then we talk about it, it doesn't reach the "angry" level very often though b/c we usually discuss things before it gets there. Don't lower your expectations for this guy, I'm certain you are worth so much more, and it sounds like he does not treat you right. I think if he keeps refusing to go to counseling it shows that he's not willing to put time into your relationship. Your FH is supposed to be your best friend and support system. That's not to say he has to agree with you 100 percent of the time about every issue, but he should stand by you, not insult you. I can understand how it would be hard since you are living together and you don't have anyone close to stay with, it would be scary to leave. Still, imagine your life with him in 5 years, do you really want him bashing you like this?