The drama has started...

Realistically, if you invite 175 people to a wedding which requires travel, you will probably be at your ideal 120 who actually attend. So likely, your budget will be at what you want. Could you tell your daughter that you will agree to pay for 120 guests, and anything over that, the couple will have to cover?

Thanks, Cece. That could be a possibility. They have actually projected that 150+ are likely to attend. Much of the guest list is either in town or within a 4 hour drive. It is mostly our family and friends that would require flights. We are also paying for the rehearsal dinner/welcome party for all out of town guests.

I would tell them if they want more than what you are comfortable with or want it in a more expensive location then they can pay the difference. They are adults and they the ones choosing to have a big wedding so they need to be responsible enough to pay. You won't always be there to pay for everything and while I understand you want your daughter to have her dream wedding she also needs to learn to pay for things on her own. If you don't mind me asking how old are they and why are you covering everything without help from them?

It is my opinion that, especially nowadays, it is extremely generous that you are willing and able to provide your daughter's "dream wedding", within reason. And while I agree that the bridal couple should have input, and the groom's family and friends should be as accommodated as possible, it would be easy to let this get out of hand. Therefore, I agree with those who think that the couple and/or the groom's family should "kick in" for anything over and above what you are willing to provide. And if possible, pare down some activities so that others can be done; trim the guest list so that more of the groom's side can be included, that sort of thing so that the reception can be, as you stated, a reflection of you & your family and I think that's appropriate. It seems you all should sit down very soon, hammer this all out, and though it's essentially your party, everyone be willing to negotiate. It's unfortunate that distance and means are involved but clearly some of that can't be helped. If too many of the groom's family can't make the wedding, is it possible for the couple, perhaps with his parents' help, host a small party closer to his hometown so the bride can meet more of his family and friends - perhaps a cocktail party or Sunday brunch? My hubby of 38 years and I are having the religious wedding ceremony we couldn't have back then. My MOH and very dearest friend, and her hubby, are hosting our "wedding dinner" at a very fine local restaurant (for 8 of us - the 2 of us couples, the priest, and our son who is Best Man, and his 2 children). They have generously told us that everyone can order anything off the menu, and we would not dream of abusing their hospitality by either inviting more people, or ordering indiscriminately. I think the same principle applies here - all should work within the framework you are providing.

No matter what, always prepare for 100% attendance. Don’t invite anyone out of obligation who you know will not make any efforts to attend. Including but not limited to parents’ colleagues and friends that the couple has no relationship with or relatives that they don’t spend any time with. That includes when you send save the dates. Some people are closer to friends than relatives. It is not a bad thing like some people perceive it to be. It’s how the current generations are. The guest list ideally should consist of people they are currently super close to that they cannot imagine the day without, and anyone else who is invited only to please others doesn’t belong on the list. That eliminates many guests.


It’s very generous for you to pay for the wedding, but as the benefactors, you do get final say in all decisions. If the couple doesn’t agree with the choices you make, they need to cover all expenses themselves.
What specific expenses being eliminated are you not ok with? Keep in mind that this is their one shot at getting married and picking out what they like, and you and your spouse have already had that opportunity. So that makes it a double edged sword.
As far as location, it’s easiest to have the wedding local to where the couple getting married lives. Contrary to popular belief, it is not uncommon or unreasonable for guests to travel, whether it’s a 30 minute drive or a cross country flight.
Of your suggestions/compromises, #1 is the most ideal/realistic. A wedding weekend is not a cost saver. # is not fair to the groom’s guests. #4 reasoning doesn’t make sense because you don’t know that people are unable or unwilling to travel. If someone receives an invitation because the couple truly wants them to attend, they will do what it takes to make it happen and it’s not your place to say if they can travel or not unless you are banning their attendance.

Couples today pay for their own weddings, or at least in part. Adults should not be crying to get what they want. I think you should rescind your offer to pay or give a cash donation and allow the couple to plan and pay for the rest themselves. A wedding is the first big project a couple must tackle together. It is unsupportive and irresponsible for parents to do the work for them. If the wedding ends up a casual celebration, then that is what they can do and you should accept it. If you think this is an embarrassment to your friends, then you should not be inviting critical friends to a love celebration anyway. Furthermore, by relinquishing your control of the wedding, you allow yourself to not get too involved. You are too caught up in how you want the wedding. But their wedding is not a reflection of you, but of them. So it's time for them to be responsible. If they don't have the funds now, then they should save like most other couples. It's always best to budget 100% attendance.

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Thanks, Veronica. The bride and groom are in their late 20's with successful careers and have the repeatedly offered to contribute. They are also happy to have their wedding in any venue that fits the overall budget - it is my husband and I that are encouraging smaller numbers in a more expensive location.

View Quoted Comment If they’re offering to contribute, too, then I would consider compromising with them on the venue. It’s so generous of you to cover the reception, but it is also their wedding day and couples pick the venue not just based on the cost, but also the theme/vibe that they’re looking for. It’s possible that you’re envisioning a more formal event than they are, but that doesn’t mean it won’t still be a very fun and classy affair. There’s a reason rustic barn weddings are so popular right now!

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Thank you for your perspective and thoughtful comments. We have had multiple discussions with our daughter, but not with our future SIL. Both are fairly insistent on hosting the festivities in the groom's home town. While it would be beautiful location, it is an expensive place to fly and stay for our family and friends. The groom's entire extended family lives there, making it very easy for all of them to attend. The bride and groom are concerned that if the wedding is elsewhere, most of the groom's family will not make the effort or incur the expense to travel to their wedding. If we're paying for the majority of the wedding expenses, (our daughter and SIL have repeatedly offered to contribute) I'm not certain we should be expected to accommodate his extended family and require all our family and friends to travel. The town is beautiful and would be a fun location for a wedding, but weddings are priced at a premium, as well as being an expensive place to travel for all of us. That said, it is their wedding.

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You said it - It is their wedding. They are both saying where they want to get married. Do you want to host your daughters wedding or do you want to host an event to show off to your friends? There's a difference between the two and it sounds like you are more focused on the latter.

If you are hosting either all or the large majority of the wedding, then you are entitled to choose the location, formality etc. You're the one who presumably will be going to all the vendor appointments, either on your own or with the couple, so while I understand why they prefer it near his family, it is inappropriate for FSIL or his family to be insisting on anything. Perhaps the couple could probably cover travel expenses for his immediate family if it came to that.

Etiquette would say it is most proper to make a budget and a guest list of those who deserve to be included first, then plan the wedding you can afford but when you get to a number like 175 it's not likely that everyone on the list is a must to invite. Personally, I think they are being unreasonable. If they want to invite every friend they've ever known they should be "insisting" on hosting their own wedding. They can always do a delayed friend's celebration.

That said, none of this is simple or easy when you are currently dealing with tears and an unhappy couple. The leverage they have in all this is you want to have good feelings when it's all over, no small task when there are competing interests and visions. If the couple has offered to contribute, is it more that you don't want them to spend their money on a larger guest list or that you don't want it in FSIL's hometown?

Ideally, everyone needs to compromise, which again is a lot easier said than done. The advice to say it's on their dime if they are not happy with your offer, while appropriate is also likely to create hard feelings at this point in the planning. You have to decide what's worth it. What I would not do is spend more than you can afford.

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I disagree. The couple should decide the location and formality and the parents can decide if they want to contribute to that vision or not. I strongly encourage you decide what you're comfortable spending and allow this couple to have the wedding they want within that budget -- with their friends, in his town and cutting some corners you wouldn't want to cut. If they were trying to cut out your family or something like that, I might feel differently.

The wedding is a day. Your friends and family are not judging you as much as you think (and if they are -- yuck). Your relationship with your daughter is the prize to keep your eye on. It's your money and you can control as much as you want, but think about whether maintaining the "level" you want is more important that having the wedding your daughter wants.

View Quoted Comment Totally agree with this

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Agreed.

OP, you're lording over your finances to get your way. The couple wants to pay for their wedding their own way, so let them do it. You are the keeper of your own bad feelings.

This is exactly the reason so many people hate wedding planning, call off big weddings, or end up fighting with family...

This is not your wedding. It never will be.

It sounds like the couple is happy to pay/contribute to their wedding and they have offered compromises. You are holding your offer of financial assistance over their heads, and causing yourself a bad time.

Do everyone a favour and either rescind your offer to pay, or give them money with no strings attached.

If you keep going in this direction it will go south

View Quoted Comment In my opinion it’s kind of rude to decide that his extended family is not important enough to invite. That’s up to the bride and groom. It does sound like you’re trying to host the wedding you want to host and not your daughters. It shouldn’t matter how expensive you think the venue looks. It’s not your wedding. They have continued to offer to contribute. So let them contribute the difference and invite who they want to. You don’t want your daughter to resent you. Sometimes weddings are in spots that are difficult or expensive to travel to and some people may not be able to attend. That’s just something you’ll have to accept. Why should your family be more important than his family? It’s up to them to decide. When two people come from different areas you’re always going to have either everyone travel or one side traveling more

View Quoted Comment It’s a big reason I don’t like accepting money from others. People tend to hold it over your head and use it to manipulate. We got a large amount of money from my family and luckily there was no drama but you never know what could happen

View Quoted Comment We accepted money with the stipulation that they could invite all their friends/extended family and have input on menu. Turned into a lot of entitlement and holding the money over us. When we wanted to cancel they said we’d have to pay back all deposits. It was a mess and we ended up eloping before the big wedding and our relationship is still unsteady even with a new baby and over a year later.


Money towards weddings should always be gifts/no strings attached, or not offered at all

View Quoted Comment Aww I’m sorry that happened! That’s awful. I know what it’s like to have family hold money over you in other areas when something should’ve just been a nice gift. It’s never fun and always puts a strain on the relationship. Sure did for me!

View Quoted Comment Based on this then I think you and your husband are wrong. They shouldn't have to downsize just because you want them to especially if they are willing to contribute. I took your original post as being that they wouldn't pay anything. It sounds like you have your own vision for this wedding, but what you need to realize is that this isn't you or your husband's wedding. If you daughter and fsil have a vision for their wedding and it doesn't fit with yours well that's too bad because it's their wedding.