The incredible shrinking woman

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of that; it sounds terribly difficult. I hate to say this, but your problem is not with your future sister-in-law, it's with your fiancé. He isn't communicating/cooperating with you or listening to you (dismissing all of your concerns!) and those are big problems. I wouldn't move forward with any more wedding planning until this gets addressed.

If he continues to decline to discuss the relationship issues, then I think it's time for couple's counseling. You two might need a third party to help you solve this. If he doesn't agree to couple's counseling then find your own counselor. You deserve to have someone listen to you and give you tools to assert your needs.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. First - do not allow him to do *anything* with your combined finances that you do not approve of. I would call the bank ASAP and either open your own separate account or put a pause until that’s figured out.


Does his sister have a disability or something that prohibits her from being independent? If she is an adult capable of working full time and living alone, a timeline needs to be established for her to get her own place. This sounds like a very enmeshed, kind of inappropriate relationship they have.
Finally, sit down with him (and counselor if possible) and explain what boundaries you need with his sister. If he isn’t able to agree upon those, you need to decide what your next step is. Are you willing to put up with this forever or at what point will you walk away?

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I agree whole-heartedly with this.

This is the home you share with your FH, and if he's not willing to listen to your grievances now or dismisses them as petty complaints, he's not being fair to you.

The past two years I've watched my parents relationship deteriorate because my mom's parents had to move in and all too often in the beginning my mom sided with her parents or didn't back my dad up. This challenge with your FSIL is not small, and should not be handled as such.

Tell your FH you don't want this as a fight. That you're truly struggling and you need him to hear you out completely without interruption or doubts. He owes you that as your FH, and if he can't give you the basic decency of hearing you out, then you need to seriously reconsider your relationship.

It's not a discussion anyone really wants to have, but you can't continue to push these issues aside or they'll fester and be so much worse.

Honestly, your FSIL needs to go! You and your fiancé are grown adults that are about to start a life together. It seems like you will not be able to properly do that with you FSIL around. Your fiancé needs to stop catering to her and realize that you are his future wife and you and your relationship needs to come first. I would bring this up to him, let him know exactly how you are feeling, and tell him that you think have you FSIL move out would be best for your relationship.

I think the bigger issue is your fiancé. While is his sister has clearly overstayed her welcome, she doesn't seem to know there is an issue because your fiancé refuses to address it. Instead he is blaming you, refusing to listen to your concerns, and isn't setting any boundaries which should've been established when she moved in. Personally, I would put the wedding planning on pause until he will actually take you seriously. It isn't fair that you have to live like this in your own home and you certainly deserve better. If he can't understand and respect your feelings then do you really want to marry him? Marriage won't suddenly make him understand nor will it enable him to create boundaries with his family.

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Thank you, I had been circling around the same ideas for a while and now they seem to be more solid.

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His sister is perfectly fine, she has been sheltered and not pushed enough to be independent in my opinion. I am pushing for her to get her own place but he is pushing back that we can still host her.

I am not willing to have this be my life and feel this way going forward. We need to establish boundaries, a counselor may be our best bet. This way there is a mediator that can help us see each others POV.

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Thank you, I do agree with you. I need to have this resolved before it gets worse or its too late, we talked about eventually down the line having his folks move in but I am rethinking this. I want us to have our own home and not be reduced to once again having just our own room in our house.

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Thank you, I will sit him and and try to work this out with him.

Wow, something is very, very weird here.

I am going to echo Cool here: the relationship between them is highly inappropriate.

In another situation, such as if they were both single, it may not be. But he is an engaged man with a future wife - he should not be separating his finances from his future wife in order to combine them with his sister. He should not be third-wheeling his future wife for his sister. He should not be bringing his sister on dates with his future wife.

First, if you are an account holder on the bank account, he should not be able to make changes to it without your agreement. (This gets trickier if you are simply putting your money in an account with his name on it.) Do NOT agree to anything until you have a complete picture of exactly how much money in that account belongs to you. Go through your finances and make sure you know exactly what is yours, what you have put in that account, and what you have spent of it (including your share of the bills). Spreadsheet it out if needed. This will require some work, but I am telling you right now, you need to protect yourself.

Second, I see your wedding is listed as 2024. I assume you are not planning anything yet, but if you are, immediately halt. Nothing progresses until you have worked this out.

Third, couples counseling. Do not agree to move forward with marrying him until he agrees to counseling with an unbiased, third-party mediator, with you and only you. If he refuses or tries to shoehorn his sister in somehow, take that as your cue to get the heck out of there.

He is gaslighting you by saying you are overreacting. That is a form of abuse.

View Quoted Comment I would explain to him that “hosting” is when someone visits. She is fully living with you. If she wants to visit for a weekend a month, tell him you’d be happy to host her. But she is not welcome to live with you.

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I haven't felt the inspiration to plan anything since last year. I've instead begun to in a way prepare for a break if one is needed. I will try to make it work if not I also have a plan b to fall upon.

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Plans are on hold since last year, we have not gone through with any money going into it. I refuse to plan anything until the 3rd wheel issue is resolved.

I am the main account holder and called the bank that nothing goes out of it or into it without my personal appearance.

I will call around to find us a counselor and go from there. No way in hell I am signing or agreeing to anything anymore.

Thank you all, I appreciate you and am thankful to feel the support from all of you ladies, with me being so far from my own group of gals this means a lot.

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I agree with Eniale! Martha, we are here to give you unbiased advice, and I'm glad you came here for support! I wish you the best of luck navigating this very tricky situation!

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I'm glad to read this.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Just know that you are not overreacting at all. You have been more than gracious and understanding.

If everything is as you said I agree to ENALIE and others this seems weird . That being said Yall (both sides you and his sister ) should be bending over backwards to include each other in things to create your bond with her. Have you tried reaching out and building a friendship with her? Maybe they feel you are not welcoming and are self isolating and he is siding with her? No excuses, just curious, the finances is weird as f and should be stopped immediately. Can they afford the house payment if you move out? If things are as bad as you say and he has no interest in your company is that perhaps why you are still together? If none of that is true you really need to get to the bottom of his behavior because ultimately this will be the life you live once the new wears off. If he gets consumed by friends, work, video games, sports kids....if it's happening now I would be very concerned especially if he doesn't see anything wrong with your relationship and you are feeling so bad....major run don't walk red flag.....

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The issue I feel got her feeling unwelcome when she first arrived, she actually arrived with their younger brother, a previous post of mine, it was in full blown covid. I was the only one working and all bills were on me. They had part times and my fiancé was out of the job. I had to come home and cook, then clean up and had to remind them to please wash their dish. So not only was I the sole provider, I was still the main cook and cleaner, and due to covid was cleaning things like crazy. If I were to fall sick that was it we'd lose it all, the stress was immense. I accepted them into my home because they were not able to find a job in IL, and we thought that in MN they'd have a different chance. Their brother missed their parents and his friends and returned back to IL in August. She stayed and her reasoning was to help us out.

His sister and I have a bond its not besties or so but we are nice to one another and if I for example have the weekend off and have to run errands I ask if she wants to come along if she's off work too. She does the same. If I grab a Starbucks or bubble tea I grab her one too. We do like similar things but I do notice they are happier together and have more fun on their own. Before it wasn't so much of an issue, but since moving so far from everyone, I feel like an island. They can barely afford the apartment on their own, and that's only because we recently got rid of his sports car which was a bad car loan, this I understand could contribute to his distancing and weird actions.

You're right about life eventually getting busier for us and I would love to not have this be something hanging over us for longer than it has gone on for.

View Quoted Comment Honestly, it sounds like they’re taking advantage of you. For no one to help around the house when you were the only one working full time is unforgivable. As long as you stick around and keep doing everything, they’ll continue doing nothing. They’ve got a pretty sweet set up and you’re just getting drained financially, emotionally and mentally. You sound smart and strong. Prepare your things and cut your losses - you’ll be better off without them.

View Quoted Comment Well all of that bonding is good news. But I have to ask, why would you be working a full time job and supporting them and then cooking and cleaning? I really don't mean to be questioning everything, but you are obviously in distress and this is another huge red flag. Why would you be ok with your fiance and his family basically doing nothing all day and expecting you to work and come home and wait on them? What will happen when you have children? If he was staying at home would he be okay if he came home to needing to cook and clean? What the heck will happen if his parents move there? If he is not your partner (equal) (sharing in the joys and burdens of life) now when he didn't have a job do you really expect that is going to change. My best advise is when When people tell you who they are believe them. Don't make excuses for them or convince yourself you don't deserve better. You do.. you deserve a partner. From what you have written you are engaged to a man who sat at home while you worked and didnt lift a finger to clean, cook, ect. He choses to spend all his free time with his sister and has changed your checking account to include her without discussing it with you. Outside opinion this doesn't sound like a partnership, I know some religions and even cultures have women who chose to be subservient, if this is your culture and your choice, no disrespect intended then ignore the rest of what I am saying, but if it's not then I would also encourage you to seek counseling for yourself to solidify for yourself what you want in a relationship, how you want to be treated, what you deserve in a mate and then you can decide whether he fits the bill or not and whether you want to give him a chance and go to counseling with him. Hugs. Sounds like a bad situation and your heart is breaking but it is an opportunity to figure out how and what you want your future, family and married life to be. I'm sorry your going through this.