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Just Said Yes May 2018

Think i picked the wrong bridesmaids

Teri, on January 17, 2018 at 2:24 AM Posted in Planning 0 40

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I'm in a really awkward situation and hoping for a bit of advice. When we got engaged I knew who I wanted to be my bridesmaids. Unfortunately one of them had to pull out as she is moving to another country and I'm totally fine with that. It left me with 2 bridesmaids my cousins who I thought would be there for me as we have always had a close relationship. Recently I've really been regretting my decision. Over a year ago we decided on a date for the hen party (it's in april) recently I have found out that they still haven't booked anything or made a decision on what we are doing. One option was making all my friends travel 2 hours away which conviently is closer to where they live. So my mum, brother and SIL have taken over and sorted that for me I'm not even sure they are coming to the hen party. Late last year we went dress shopping and found a dress that worked but it was more than I wanted to pay so I went home to think about it, one of the bridesmaids didn't think to mention that she is pregnant so I felt hurt that I would have brought a dress that would have been useless. I'm now concerned as she will be 8 months pregnant and a 2 hour drive from home it's a lot of responsibility on my wedding day. Im worried that ill buy dresses and she will let me down at the last minute as will the other one as they are sisters. This last few months I'm really trying to get them dresses and I'm lucky to even get a reply to my messages. I really don't think I want them to be bridesmaids any more but I don't really know what to say to them. I'm so upset I have been crying and getting down over this and not enjoying any wedding planning and getting to the point that I can't wait for it to be over. I was wondering if anyone has been in this position and has any advice.

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Latest activity by Kelli, on January 17, 2018 at 11:15 PM

Expert August 2018
Kelli · on January 17, 2018 at 2:42 AM
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I asked my best friend to be my man of honor and 2 of my best girlfriends to be matron of honor and a bridesmaid. Then FH and i decided we wanted my FSS's 21 year old girlfriend and my FBIL's wife to be bridesmaids as well so we could bond. It's been hell! I had to cut my man of honor out of the bridal party because he was going through stuff and it was too stressful so he offered to bartend for the wedding. My best friends have been amazing so I at least have that. FSIL is refusing to pick her dress or message me back about it at all. Step son Is having issues with his GF and acting pretty immaturely but she's still trying to stay involved and FH and I plan to talk to both of them. She still hasn't gotten her dress though either. I'm going to talk to both of them and just lay it all out there and be very direct and hopefully they will be also. They're paying for their own dresses at least. Is there a reason you're paying for them? I'd definitely suggest having an open and honest conversation and tell them your concerns and see what they want to do.
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Dedicated April 2018
RG3 · on January 17, 2018 at 2:46 AM
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Do you have replacements in mind? Do you have enough time to replace them ie order dresses? Either way, talk to them honestly and tell them how you feel. If you can't replace them, you're gonna have to decide - trust them or go bridal partyless. No bridal party is in right now.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on January 17, 2018 at 2:58 AM
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Don't replace your wedding party. That would cause irreversible tension, especially since they are family.
Kelli, what could possibly be going on that would prevent him from participating in the wedding eight months from now? I think you've made a mistake there. Don't ask him to bartend, you shouldn't have your guests working at your wedding. Particularly someone you identify as your best friend.
Your wedding party only has to get their attire and stand by your side. That's it.
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Just Said Yes May 2018
Teri · on January 17, 2018 at 2:58 AM
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I thi k we just had enpugh money in the bodget to pay for there dresses but they pay for everything else. I've got 4 friends I could ask who have been so amazing and helped me so much. I should just about have time to replace them. It's so hard I think when you start planning you don't ever see any if these stressful situations happening. Thank you I think I will have to have a chat with them and see where this is going with them.
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Dedicated April 2018
RG3 · on January 17, 2018 at 3:06 AM
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Sounds like the damage is already done - stop the bleeding. Ask them to put up or politely stepdown. Sounds like they aren't committed, so its giving them an out which they might appreciate.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on January 17, 2018 at 3:11 AM
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What are you going to chat about, exactly? How do you see the conservation going?
How do you think the replacement wedding party are going to feel about being "second choice"?
You do realize that they don't have to help you right? The wedding party is a chance for the couple to honour their nearest and dearest. It's not a job with associated responsibilities.
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Super November 2018
Susan · on January 17, 2018 at 3:28 AM
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There is so much wrong with all of this. I’m with Jacks, you’re SOL unless THEY step down. You picked too early. For the lurkers out there, this is why you don’t ask your bp too early.

Also, are you really helping plan your own Bach? If they don’t plan it, you don’t get one. Simple as that.

Youre asking too much of them. They just have to show up in the dress and smile. No one is as excited for your wedding as your are, period.
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Super May 2019
LaraLouM · on January 17, 2018 at 3:55 AM
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Maybe your underestimating how much stress, hormones, and body changes occur during a pregnancy. Especially if this is her first child she is going through a seriously major change in her life and has a multiple of her own planning to do! If you really were close to her you would be supportive of this. I think you need to re-evaluate how you are viewing your cousins and their so-called responsibilities. They are not required to throw you a party, they are not required to help plan the wedding, and your wedding is far and away less important to your cousin than her upcoming baby and for you not to respect that fact is sad to me. Have you even thought about the fact that though she is probably excited for you, as she portrayed that, she just has to live her life which has become much harder? As far as her being 8 months pregnant for your wedding there are many things that could happen, complications, early labor, etc that may cause her to have to miss your wedding but do you really want to make her step down for having a baby, your niece or nephew?

I think you need some perspective and to remember that the world the world doesn’t revolve around your wedding, and that no one is required to do anything besides show up, and in your cousins case but a dress.
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Master September 2018
FutureMrs.L · on January 17, 2018 at 4:46 AM
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Don’t replace a bridesmaid. I had that happen to me, and it really damaged our friendship. She was one of my closest fiends. I helped her with planning her wedding, there for everything. We were always together. She chose another friend as MOH and others as bridesmaids. The MOH flakes out and she calls me up to step In. I did because she was so upset, I always felt like second best. It was a horrible feeling. Like I said, it damaged our friendship. 10 years later, we’re not as close, and she tried to second string me again for her vow renewal. Nope.

Replacing bridesmaids is awful. It’s an awful feeling knowing you’re just a back up.
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Dedicated September 2018
MsToMrs · on January 17, 2018 at 5:24 AM
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Two responsibilities of a bridesmaid: get a dress, show up on the wedding. Do not ask her to step down.
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VIP August 2018
Alforev · on January 17, 2018 at 6:17 AM
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You really shouldn’t ask anyone to step down. Their your family and you should be over the moon for the one cousin that she’s pregnant, not putting pressure on her for your wedding. It’s nice that you’re paying for their dresses, but at this point with your wedding being in May they will likely need to get dresses off the rack somewhere. I would leave it up to them to find the dresses, don’t try to make big plans especially if they live farther away because they have lives outside of your wedding. If they want to go look at dresses they’re not going to want to drive hours to do so. If either of them want to step down, then don’t give them a hard time but do not ask them to. That’s very hurtful and I’m sure the one bridesmaid would think you’re asking her to step down because she’s pregnant and I highly doubt that would go over well.
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Super January 2019
Sunshine · on January 17, 2018 at 8:20 AM
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For starters, replacing your bridesmaids is incredibly rude. They don't work for you. Their only requirement is to show up, on time, in the dress you picked out for them. That's it. They're not required to plan anything or help with anything or be excited about anything.

If your concerned about your pregnant friend, talk to them about it. These people are your friends, just because they're not as excited for your wedding as you are (spoiler alert, no one ever is) doesn't mean you should tell them you don't want them anymore and replace them.
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Expert April 2018
Cathleendanielle · on January 17, 2018 at 8:38 AM
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I have a bridesmaid that's making everything seem more important than anything to do with the wedding. Everyone else has ordered their dress but she hasn't tried it on. She even missed my birthday to go for the gym. I feel incredibly low on her forum poll. We've been friends for almost 20 years. Nothing, I repeat nothing, would make me ask her to step down. It's frustrating, absolutely, but it's not worth damaging our friendship. As a PP stated, no one one will be as into your wedding as you. And chances are, your wedding won't be as perfect as you imagine. Things happen. I would be honest with them, however, being in your wedding is a gift to you, not them. I think sometimes we get lost in all of this and think that our bridal party should feel honored go be chosen, and while some do, it's also a HUGE inconvenience and stress for them too. AND some people might not have known how to say no, ya know? Sorry, thats long winded. I hope it all works out for the best
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Devoted October 2018
Erin · on January 17, 2018 at 8:51 AM
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Here's the thing, my girls were asked two weeks after I got engaged. My wedding is in October. They all have been great and super involved with planning and shopping. My bridal shower has been planned since last October for this may, my bachelorette is planned already also. Yes it's not a job, but there are understandings that there are duties for a MOH and bridesmaids, there are plenty of ettiquitte articles on it, and most people know it in this day and age. Ultimately, it's your day and you decide who you want with you. If that means your cousins get their feelings hurt so be it. They could have said no. It sounds like they don't think anything needs to be done by them. Hope this helps!
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VIP May 2017
The Bride · on January 17, 2018 at 9:33 AM
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The only "understandings" are to get the dress and show up. There are articles about lots of things, doesn't mean that they are correct. I don't care if it's my special daaaaay, it doesn't give someone the right to mistreat someone else. But then again, I care about people's feelings so maybe that's just me.
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Devoted October 2018
Erin · on January 17, 2018 at 10:14 AM
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I care, but I was raised to understand there are certain social etiquettes also with accepting the position of MOH or bridesmaid. Maybe not everyone has been raised that way, but it's not abusing the girls if they aren't holding up to being a bridesmaid. It's not like she wants them to change their looks, diet anything like that. You want people who can be counted on when it's your big day.
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Master August 2018
Nemo · on January 17, 2018 at 10:32 AM
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What about the etiquette of kicking bridesmaids out of your party?
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Super January 2019
Sunshine · on January 17, 2018 at 10:35 AM
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Are these etiquette articles coming from pinterest?
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Devoted October 2018
Erin · on January 17, 2018 at 10:41 AM
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It's not required, but girls were very honest about wanting to throw them ( the shower/ bachelorette). We also are all busy with school and work and personal situations that meant some of us being in the hospital ( me). They have planned it early due to booking venues and making sure that they would have time to make it special. I wouldn't drop them because they were very honest with me and I was with them. My girls and I are very close since two of them are my best friends and one is my cousin.
However, I would care and would drop them if they were being nasty. But I had one girl I asked who said she couldn't due to financial and personal reasons.
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Devoted October 2018
Erin · on January 17, 2018 at 10:43 AM
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No, they are not. Some are from bridal magazines and others are from WW. Like I said, apparently I was raised differently.
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Think i picked the wrong bridesmaids

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