Thinking of ending my engagement because of parenting issues.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

As this is a little out of the wedding planning scope, (I hope it's cool to do this), I'd recommend you hop over to the BabyCenter forums and post over there. I've seen a number of people posting with similar situations there over the years. They're a give-it-to-you-straight kind of group, and they probably have some awesome insights.

I wish you the best, no matter what you decide!

She probably doesn't KNOW what she needs for you to help her, she's only 8. This last year has been ridiculously hard for everyone, including most adults I know. I don't think it's surprising that a child is having a really hard time and acting out just given what is going on in the world at the moment. I think you need to have a little more grace and understanding with this child (it can be ridiculously hard, I know). Can you try taking her to a counselor at school or getting outside therapy help? I think it's unreasonable to expect that she knows what she needs to get out of this phase.

How does your H feel about you stepping in nicely, or helping in this situation? Does he want you involved or would he rather make these decisions and have you support him regardless because it's his daughter? Neither approach is wrong necessarily, but having that discussion when blending families is so incredibly important. It seems like you and your FI need to have some bigger discussions on parenting and how you want to handle it with all your kids. I would use the situation with your stepdaughter as a jumping off point for the bigger discussion. Your original post reads more like you don't care for your FI's daughter and want to end the relationship because of it - which to me isn't the real problem You guys need to come to an agreement about how you parent all your children and what the boundaries will be.

I know it's hard to separate, but you're making this all about you. You're not a bad mom because your kid talks back and is whiny sometimes. None of us are perfect parents, but it sounds like something you should talk about with a therapist individually and with your husband if you can. It's very likely all your kids will go through this sometimes and shutting down and wanting to leave a relationship because you feel like a bad mom is really extreme. I really think you should speak to someone about these feelings before you do anything drastic. Good luck!

If this is making you seriously question whether you want to marry or not, I would immediately consider some counseling -- either individual for you or couples counseling with your future husband. You are waving a VERY serious red flag, so I'd put any planning on hold until you've gotten some help and feel confident about the commitment you are potentially making. If, following counseling, you and FH are sure you want to move forward, hopefully, your counselor can help you determine if the two of you and some or all of the children would benefit from some family sessions. It's impossible for strangers on the internet to make a good assessment of what's going on with the 8 yr old. It could just be normal developmental stuff or it could be substantially more -- especially given her parents' divorce/custody arrangement, the pandemic, etc., etc., etc.

Good luck! But if you're questioning whether you should marry, you need to do some major soul searching before you do anything else.

Yes, definitely counseling! For her individually and for your family as well. I used to work in an elementary school with kids her age and I can tell you one thing for sure: children don't just have behavior issues or changes for nothing, there is ALWAYS a reason. Eight year old kids don't just naturally have problems getting along with their entire family, she is definitely struggling and you need some help to figure it out.