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Dedicated October 2021

Thinking of ending my engagement because of parenting issues.

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Celina, on May 6, 2021 at 10:49 AM

So I’ve gotten the big ticket items settled for my wedding but as you can see the title I’m having doubts. I e been with my Fiancé for 3 years. I’ve been helping raise his girls and we have a son together and I have my daughter. While everyone is excited for the wedding and becoming a blended family and all I don’t think I can’t do it. I understand that I decided to take on a role of mom to these girls. One of the girls has been super rebellious and smart and sass almost all day. Nothing I have done has worked in having her change her ways or understand she is a kid and not a grown adult. Between the attitude towards me and her siblings I can’t handle it. It’s not causing a rift between my FH and I because we don’t know what to do to change her attitude. If I am wanting to give up because of this how do I handle parenting once we are married. I honestly want to jump ship as a parents it’s pretty messed up that I don’t want to parent just one kid. I feel like a total failure. As of now I don’t care to plan anymore of the wedding because I don’t know if I’m going to go through with it.

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27 Comments

Super July 2020
Cool · on May 7, 2021 at 8:03 AM
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I disagree with most posters. I do not believe that anyone should choose to be a parent unless they want that completely. If you do not 100% want this child as your daughter - for whatever reason, not to us to determine validity - then you would be doing everyone a disservice by marrying her dad. You will be stuck with them forever. Resentment will build. Her dad is her parent now and she will be fine if you exit the picture now, but it would be much harder on everyone years down the road. Follow your gut.
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on May 7, 2021 at 9:21 AM
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She already has two children of her own, including one with her FH, so she already made the decision to become a parent. Can't run away from that.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on May 7, 2021 at 9:58 AM
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Yes, but she can choose whether or not to get involved as a parental figure with the non-bio child. Also raising children is separate households would allow them more flexibility with their own parenting choices.
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Rockstar August 2023
Elly · on May 9, 2021 at 5:57 AM
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My heart goes out to you. Parenting children that are not biologically yours is one of the bravest (and scariest) things you can do. I don't blame you in the least for having mixed emotions.

I do agree with the the previous comment that you should all seek family therapy, and I think that you and your fiancé may benefit from premarital counseling.

Your fiancé's daughter may be acting up as a form of rebellion against your marriage because you are not her biological mother. She may even be influenced by her mom to act this way. Regardless, you and your fiancé should always have and present a united front. I think a therapist may be best suited for bringing up potential hypothetical scenarios that could happen in the years to come so you can discuss it with your fiancé. If you and your fiancé have the same or very similar outlook and agree to be "united" in front of his daughter, things will go more smoothly as you face challenges together.

If your outlooks differ greatly, and there isn't compromise, you have some very difficult outcomes to consider.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on May 9, 2021 at 9:43 AM
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Would you consider therapy for the daughter? Our society and public education system does very little to help people learn basic life skills like financial literacy, how to parent, etc. Professional insight might help you get to the root of this child's challenging behavior, and would probably benefit all in the family.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on May 9, 2021 at 11:19 AM
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Is this defiance something she only does at home, or does it also happen at school? Here is basic Behavior 101 coming from a special education teacher. Behavior is a way this child is trying to communicate with you. It needs to be looked at in 3 parts—- antecedent (what happens that triggers the behavior), the behavior itself, and the consequence (what happens afterwards). Two of the biggest reasons kids act out is for attention or to escape from something. Many times children looking for attention don’t care if it’s negative attention or positive attention. Try giving more positive attention or praise to her when she is acting appropriately, even if it feels like overkill at times. Be consistent in consequences and never threaten a consequence unless it can actually happen. Kids will know when you’re bluffing. The approach you use with your other kids might not work for her. Find out what makes her “tick.” Most importantly, take a deep breath and do not take her behavior personally.
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Devoted July 2021
Gillian · on January 22, 2023 at 1:23 AM
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Divorce and remarrying can be really traumatizing for children from what I’ve witnessed. Highly recommend a family visit to a therapist to dive into the emotional/spiritual toll for you, your fiancé, and the child you’ve mentioned. If any of the children want to talk to someone, I’d encourage that as a healthy coping mechanism as they’re facing a ton of change. Change can be scary for children and even adults. Not saying this is the reason, but many children fear that their biological parent is being kicked out and replaced. Many young children have a strong attachment to their biological parents, wanting them to stay together to keep the family whole (with or without understanding reasons for separation). When the parents separate and another adult enters the family via marriage, it’s seen as the “final nail in the coffin” and that finalization is hurtful to them because it shatters the hope of what they saw as their “family”. Hope it all works out.
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