Thoughts on Husband taking Wife’s last name

I would say do what's right for you. The history if a wife taking the husband's last name is due to the woman basically being traded from one family to the other, so it's a very patriarchal history. I say this as someone who did change my name because I wanted to have the same last name as my husband and future children, but I acknowledge the history. Some couples nowadays have started creating new last names for their families, so both parties change their names. Other couples tack on the other person's last name after their own. Honestly, the decision is no one else's but your future husband. It is his name, and he has full control over it, regardless of what other people say. Other people will always have an opinion on everything, but at the end of the day, his name is his identity, not that of his parents.

I changed mine and wish I wouldn't have. It's not that big a deal to give kids both names or one of your names, they'll decide what they want to go by or keep later anyway. I only know a couple men who have taken their wife's last name but it was not a big deal to anyone (at least publicly).

My FH and I are talking about changing both of our last names to the same hyphenated last name. His name is already hyphenated so he would be dropping the second name and replacing it with mine. He already expects his mother to react similarly to how you are describing your inlaws reacting but since that relationship is rocky, he doesn't not care as much as your FH might.

I completely support this idea and can't imagine it would cause anything more than a momentary confusion at work (re. changing email addresses, etc.). Women do it all the time, and just because that is the "standard" in US culture doesn't mean it's wrong to do something different.

All of that said, it doesn't matter what I or society at large thinks. Your future spouse needs to decide that he just doesn't care what his family thinks. They shouldn't get a say, but he will have to set his boundaries and deal with them.

Listening about his parents' opinion is one thing ... but making a decision in order to please/not to upset them is... another thing.

This decision is so personal that only the 2 of you get a say on it.
If you wanna try to make a kid, say, in 2026 but his family would not be happy that you don't wanna try before, will he listen to their opinion and then try to change your mind on this?

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Yes I totally agree with everything you said. Thanks for the input!

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Ok, good to hear. I feel like men taking their wife's last name wouldn't be an issue, but I don't know any who have. Interesting that you do regret changing your last name.

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Yea, they have a very good relationship and he's very much a people pleaser. Hence, the dilemma.

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Totally agree. It is difficult to suddenly not care what others think and set clear boundaries. But thanks for the advice!

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I don't think so, obviously kids are a much larger decision than a name change. I think the issue is that he is somewhat undecided due to it being an unconventional choice, and then the issue of his parent's opinions. If he felt very strongly about it, I don't think he would just defer to their wishes.

I don't have any personal experience with this, but I would think he would mostly run into the same issues as a woman changing her name would. If they're really just concerned about him "abandoning the family name," there are ways around that. For example, I wanted to change my name (and my husband hoped I would) but there was no way I was going to give up any of my original names. I ended up adding his last name to mine (without a hyphen), so I have both of our last names. Our kids will just have his, so we'll still have a family name, but we plan to include my last name as a second middle for our child(ren), so they'll still get my name in some way.

View Quoted Comment I disagree, having (or not having) kids is not a much larger decision because a name change is a big move, way bigger than you might think, regardless of who is changing.
And this decision is as personal as having kids, picking your place etc...
The fact he is undecided is one thing but my concern is : " He is leaning towards changing his to mine [...]but he cares about his parent’s opinions" : there's a huge difference between asking for their opinion and seeking approval, the way you worded this, it seems like he really wants to take your name but also wants their approval, am I wrong? M
In my mind, he should only care what you and himself think, not what his parents think since this decision will only affect the 2 of you, not his parents'lives.

I had friends do this. It's not common but works for them and they are happy. I will say that the wife "wears the pants" in the relationship and her husband taking her name sort of emphasizes the fact that he's really the passive "wife pleaser" and she calls the shots when it comes to pretty much everything.

Do what works best for you.

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Can i ask you this. you are well aware of the history and where it comes from. forget about that, why the hell do people still want to continue keep it on the women socially and not make this in both ways. whats wrong in making it both ways. a man taking woman's surname means the same, Now that he is being added to her family and this is a female/wife led marriage (where she is the provider). whats the problem that? same thing right, One family under one name. So how come you didnt think of your so taking your last name? your reasoning of to have same last name and kids having same last name can be fullfilled by your husband taking your name. Its very annoying to hear from women who say well i changed so that we can all have same name. do you know your husband taking your name qualifies the same thing?! So this does not make no sense.

View Quoted Comment Yes, men can also change their names to the wife’s surname to accomplish the same task. The fun and exciting thing about feminism is that we don’t attack anyone for their choices and people are free to make decisions that make sense for them and their families 🙃. I also had other, personal reasons, for wanting to change my last name that I don’t feel like airing on a public forum.

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So you want a marriage to mean , a man to "wear the pants" in the relationship indicating he calls the shots? wouldn't it mean the same thing tho a woman taking a man's surname but it becomes ok to weaken her position? so to rip off a woman and to show that she is weak or to weaken her position is ok and now that should become a norm and now for a man it becomes "oh no he is weak". so a woman shouldn't be a leader to the family (in a bad way of saying "she wears the pants"), and oh no its to show that a man is weak. people believe a name change is a weak sign for a man yet normalizes and celebrates on a woman. how is that fair? A man taking a woman's name is actually sweet like a sweet gesture. Even if you want it to think of it as it will speak the woman being the leader to the family . whats wrong with that? I just don't understand the problem for people to care so much about small as names in marriages and kept continuing a tradition that actually has no use in it. I believe in a family to have one name so it speaks that oneness, but that should sway in either direction and not have traditions. Female/wife led marriages is also fine , that is also a dynamic that many like. Male dominated culture or gender roles no need to be a norm. This will be somethin unanswered forever, why do people care so much about names (smaller. things like that).. to continue a stupid tradition that only speaks of male led structure, why do you want that? Normalizing female led marriages can also be beautiful.

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This isnt about any feminism. i m just pointing things out. it ain't about no feminism. Wife being the provider and the man takin a back seat , that is also a dynamic. a society only promoting that of one dynamic which is male led structure and to debunk the beauty of the other is not correct. This will be something unanswered forever, why do people care so much about names (smaller. things like that).. to continue a stupid tradition that only speaks of male led structure, why do you want that? Normalizing female led marriages can also be beautiful.

if we take personal reasons into consideration , how many men you think should be changing names? think about men who came from abusive families, or he has a name that just doesn't sound good. How having these traditions in place as a social norm, which are considered a social thing (off course not legal) give you a sense of freeness? it's obviously to promote patriarchal gender roles and gender biases through it and that is what it speaks of. Thats why i said its best not to have any traditions.

sure , if you have any personal reasons, that is your thing and thats valid.