Thoughts on this - underage drinking at a wedding

I think both the parents, as well as the venue should be in charge of policing an event that serves alcohol during it's festivities. I've never seen a parent at a wedding, shadowing their young adult child, in an attempt to make sure they are not recieving alcohol. If the venue is primarily responsible, they should be the ones going out of their way to make sure they cover their own butts.

I know I'm completely in the minority and will probably get some slack for it but I have a 18 year old son, most of his friends are 21 and over so I know he's going to drink and I'm more comfortable having him drink at home. So the rule in my house for anyone who is drinking is that I get the car keys (until they are sober) even if they are over 21 and for anyone under 21 I have to talk to their parents if the parent says no they have to go home if the others are drinking. It may not be legal to allow my son to drink but like I said I much rather have him at home where I know he will not be getting into a car to drive home or getting a ride with someone else who has been drinking. As for the wedding he has been told he will not drink at the venue but the after party at my home he probably will. My opinion is in the home, it should be up to parents.

Tori - I totally agree with you about drinking at home. My parents did that and it took away the stigma and excitement of drinking so it was never a big deal.

My venue's contract reads:

"The legal drinking age for our facilities is 21 years of age. All patrons will be required to show proof of age. "

The contract also discusses drinking in the parking lot is not allowed and other related clauses.

After all, it is their liquor license on the line and the venue's employees should take every precaution to protect the venue's interests. If the bartender suspects someone is under age, he should ask for proof always - no matter the event. However, the venue should not be responsible if they gave alcohol to an adult who then gave it to the minor.

@Victoria, my question is, do you think it's irresponsible of you to do so? IMO, you are sending a message to your son that it's okay to break laws. Knowing he's going to do it without you is one thing, but when it comes to parenting, kids learn what they live. I think that blatantly undermining state laws sends a bad message period, but it engraves that bad message in a child's head when it's given by the parent.

By the time I was 13, I could have a small (and I mean teeny) sip of Mom's wine at holidays. And my own (small) glass by the time I was 15 or so. And the occasional beer with Mom by late high school/early college.

I didn't learn that it was okay to break the law, and I definitely didn't become a delinquent (honor roll, college scholarships, the whole drill). What I learned is that alcohol isn't some mysterious, super-cool thing, it's a tasty beverage for adults to enjoy in a responsible manner. I also learned that some people (like my paternal grandfather, who I never met) had unhealthy relationships with alcohol, and I should watch for the signs.

By the time I hit college, I was okay with a few drinks at a party, while my peers were puking, driving, getting arrested and making fools of themselves.

I didn't go to weddings with my parents when I was young (our family is overseas). I'm sure they would have let me have a glass or two if I wanted it.

And, finally, I think 21-and-over drinking laws are absolutely moronic. I think if you're old enough to die for your country, you're bloody well old enough to drink a beer. And, more practically, if you treat adults like they are children, most likely they will ACT like children. (Witness all the 25 to 30-year-olds who STILL live with Mom and Dad.)

Ultimately, I do think the venue needs to CYA and check IDs. But I also think far too many people are WAY too puritanical about alcohol, and that drives it all underground. Heck, any time we get in a cash bar/open bar debate on this board, there's always someone who wants a dry wedding so no one gets "wasted" on their dime...really? It's impossible to have a few drinks without getting plastered?

...getting off soapbox...

@Teresa I'd rather break a law than have to identify my sons body in a morgue... I'm sorry like I said I know he's doing it anyway and for my own piece of mind would rather he do so in my home. So when you have your own 18-20 year old, that will be the decision you can make.. This was the decision I made...

@Shannon, it's not likely that every child will learn that it’s okay to break laws, but some will and do. The 21 year old age limit has everything to do with neurological-maturation. It is a scientific fact that those under the age of 21 have not matured enough, mentally, to make non-impulsive decisions on a regular basis. The "frontal lobe", in the brain, which controls impulse does not fully form in most young adults until about 21 years of age, some thereafter. This is the reason for the large statistics regarding teenage drinking and driving, sexual assault, and violent crimes. The reason why insuring a teenage driver is so high isn't only because of their lack of experience, it's because of that well known fact. Add alcohol to an already impulsive mind, you get the statistics that we have in the U.S..

@Victoria, understandable. So do you guys have an understanding that he is only to drink in your presence?

@Teresa - if that's the case, then military service, voting, legal adulthood, etc, should all move up to age 21. (Also, I seem to recall that these facts are based on rat, not human studies...but please correct me if I'm wrong.)

Just being devil's advocate on that one - frankly, I think people take too long to grow up these days, and kid behavior needs to end young.

And the 21-year age requirement came around before we had a lot of the neurological info...it was due to MADD pushing their agenda through Congress, so the feds withheld highway funding into each and every state fell into line.

Ugh. Silly puritanical America.

@Teresa, I hear what you're saying which makes Victorias method even more responsible. Knowing that her 19 year old son is likely to make impulsive, immature decisions she is allowing him to do so in his home rather than behind the wheel of a car or in a public place. Applying that science to our 18-21 year old troops fighting a war is a little scary too if you ask me.

Since I am the oldest fart on this forum(almost 50), who has the youngest child(16), I think I might add a different twist on this one.

First and foremost, with re to the venue, morally, it is the responsibility of both the venue, the bartender and the parents. Legally, well that differs per state.

While I know this is not the topic of discussion, I firmly believe the drinking age should be lowered to 18. When I was 18, I was legal in the state of New Jersey. All I had to do was cross the Delaware River, and I crossed every weekend...my bad!

While I would never deliberately purchase alcohol for either of my daughters,becasue of the legal ramifications, there are times in my house, when having a drink(wine or beer) is allowed. Would I serve it to somone else's child...NO! I also feel this is a cultural issue. My kids are Italian and Irish. It's what we do. If we were in Italy or Ireland, they would be allowed to drink... (Cont'd)

@Teresa thats the understanding however as anyone who has a teenager will be able to tell you they don't always understand things the way you would like.. If he drinks anywhere he is to call home so that I can pick him up. Again you can think whatever you please .. At 18 My son is quite responsible.. he has graduated high school, has a job and is attending college. He is no longer a child, as Shannon stated he is old enough to die for his country and legally to be married and have a family. IMO as long as he is not out stealing or killing others, breaking a drinking law that in my opinion is ridiculous, is just fine and I'd be a hypocrite to pretend that I follow every law written.. Do you???

It is true that in Ohio minors can drink with parental consent BUT I made it very clear on our website that NO ONE under 21 will be served at our reception. Their parents can consent at someone else's wedding. I am going to confirm with my bartender that IDs are to be checked because I know my younger siblings and cousins well enough to know that they will try anything to get away with it.

If we were in Italy or Ireland, it would have been a part of our daily life.

Would I serve someone else's child even if 18 +, no, not at all, because it is against the law.

Will my 16 year old have a drink at our wedding? Yes, she will. She will not be able to help herself, however, she will be able to toast and have wine or beer, provided by Frank or myself. This is something I have allowed in the past at events. Neither of my daughters have ever abused it. If anything, because of the over education, and constant discussion, I think it is why they are not sneak drinkers.

Okay,so now ask me how I feel about the decriminalization and legalization of marijauna use.

I won't jump in regarding what the legal age should be..just confirming that one reason, even though not known before, we NOW know the neurological reasons as Teresa stated.

@Shannon actually I really think kids are growing up WAY too fast; I saw on the news Abercrombie or some store like that is marketing padded bathing suit tops to 7 year olds. yes 7 year olds..have you seen how highschool kids dress now? yikes!.but there is something to be said for de-sensationalizing alcohol; and i get the feeling maybe you are talking mainly about 30 year olds sleeping on parent's couch eating cereal, I agree that's not cool lol.. but anywho I think we got off topic a bit from the original post :-)

@Victoria.... Well said!

Based on what is being said about children learning to break laws, I would ask how many of you have ever driven over the speed limit with your child in the car? Or crossed a street while not in a cross walk? these are all minor laws that many people break. The think about what Tori is doing is it promotes a conversation with her child. Her son knows its NOT ok to drink and drive. He knows she takes that very seriously and takes the keys. He also knows he is allowed to drink at home, so being prohibited at a wedding, he isn't as likely to "sneak" drinks while people aren't looking.

@Teresa I can show number to prove anything. In Europe they don't have bing drinking issues, and have far less fatalities from alcohol related issues, and yet in some of those countries there is no drinking age at all. So I do think there is more to it then the brain doesn't know better.

@Carole I can only guess.. LOL and to clarify I do not provide alcohol in my home... but like I said most of my sons friends are from work and are 21 and over. I allow the use of my garage for their gatherings and the use of my home for sleeping for anyone who has been drinking on weekends. If any of his highschool friends are over, I contact their parents (whom I've known for years) to make sure they are aware that there is drinking and if they want their child home I will drive them.

@Shannon....Well said. I completely agree with the MADD thing. If kids are mature enough to vote and shed blood for their country, they should be able to enjoy a beer. Actually, if I am not mistaken, it is legal for an enlisted person, aged 18, to drink on base. Someone correct me if I am incorrect.