To tell my narcissistic future mother in law I’m upset with her?

First I just want to say I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Second I want to say while I am not sure what advice to give, I can say I understand the frustration over having to play “happy family” at your wedding as I will definitely be doing the same and it’s not fun

Thank you for your reply, I told my fiancée I didn’t want her at the wedding, but my fiancée refuses to un-invite her since she’s her mum, which is fair enough and I accept that. I just can’t stand being fake and it’s going to ruin the experience for me watching her play the perfect happy mum in front of all the other guests when I know deep down she’s done everything she could to spoil this for us. I guess I’m just in two minds about whether to ignore her and grit my teeth and bear it, or whether to be honest with her about how I feel.

Your future MIL definitely sounds unpleasant, but I can't see ANY benefit to you telling her all the ways she is annoying. You and your fiancé need to work together to establish boundaries to protect your relationship. Then set and keep those boundaries. You don't need FMIL to buy-in or agree to any of it, but your fiancé definitely needs to understand how boundaries work and to be on board.

I definitely wouldn't insist that FMIL not come to the wedding if your fiancé still wants her there. That's not your decision. But you absolutely should be able to stop communicating with and doing favors for FMIL.

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All of this.

If you're having a destination wedding in Italy, it is probably a financial commitment to go there. Does she know other people going to the wedding? I don't necessarily think you have to get her t the airport, but is it easy to take a cab to the venue? Is she a seasoned traveller?

Yes, I'm wondering what part of Italy you're getting married in and how far the venue is from the airport she'll be flying into. Like Jacks asked, it could be helpful if she knows other people that are coming to your wedding so that she can plan time with them leading up to the wedding as opposed to you having to play babysitter. I'm just not sure of the detailed logistics of that week in Italy that she's expecting you to spend with her, so I don't know what sort of advice to offer. I'm getting married in Italy too, so I'd be happy to bounce ideas together if that'd be helpful.

I also echo that no good will come out of having that sort of conversation with her, unfortunately. Maybe it's just because I'm not a super confrontational person, but sometimes it's better to just not say anything with words and instead establish certain boundaries together with your fiance to help manage some of these issues with your FMIL. Unfortunately, weddings really seem to bring out the weird in people...

View Quoted Comment She travels and holidays on her own frequently, Her son and his girlfriend will be going so she’s not going to be alone. Her complaints about the cost only started after she found out about our promotions in January this year. The wedding was planned three years ago and was postponed last year, her flights have already been paid for so she needs to find accommodation and spending money. We have offered her numerous ways to save money such as only coming for a few days, staying in cheaper accommodation next to the venue etc and she rejects all of them.


She says she can’t afford it, but then a week later will say how she has made loads of money from her extra shifts at work and isn’t worried about the money at all, then gets annoyed about something else and starts with the money complaints again. It just doesn’t add up and I don’t think it’s genuine what so ever, just another way of guilting my fiancée and another thing to complain about.
Ordinarily I would have issue driving her and spending a week with her, it’s just after her cruel treatment and nasty comments about our hen do etc that I really don’t like the thought of spending so much time with her.

*Wouldn’t have an issue

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I guess my point is that you're having a destination wedding. That is kind of the expectation that you would be spending time with the people that have travelled to be there. Is there any way you could see something to be grateful for in that, however small? It might help you get through.

This will be your MIL for life. She's not going anywhere. You and your partner need to get and stay on the same page when it comes to having boundaries with her.

She vacations alone, so why does she need a "babysitter" for this week? If she absolutely can't be alone, FH needs to step up and take care of his mother, not you.