To tell or not to tell the ex-wife? Who should tell?

I dated a guy once with a terrible ex who would have done what you’saying. I think I’d plan a family trip, and announce the elopement to your kids on the trip so they don’t have to feel stressed for keeping a secret from their mom. Maybe you can say you’d like some really nice family photos there so the kids can get nice outfits but still not know?

What does your fiancé say? I’m usually all for truth and letting ex put on big girl panties and deal, but my ex-BF’s ex would have created drama to pull the kids from a trip like that just to ruin it. Curious to see what other brides here would do...

Why would you speak to his ex-wife? Do not get between them ever. Do not ask the children to keep a secret from their mother. Do not ask the children to lie to their mother. My FHs ex is the same way. I DO NOT communicate with her. I have no reason to as they are their kids and not mine. We are not friends nor will be ever be. In fact, I had to have a civil agreement (signed by a judge) put in place to keep her from harassing me. We literally hired extra security in case she found out about the wedding. Let your FH and his ex communicate with each other. If you are taking them somewhere to elope she needs to know where they are going. Not necessarily why but that is not the kid's burden. That is your FHs. If you are eloping locally and on his parenting time you don't have to tell her anything but, do not ask the kids to keep a secret from, pass messages to or lie to their other parent ever.

View Quoted Comment

I would also be concerned about how the kids would feel about a "surprise wedding" and getting a new step mom on what is supposed to be a family trip.

This is tricky :/ totally understand the dilemma. My FH's ex is also aggressive. She told my stepson that since his dad was marrying me that he was losing a father...smh. And he's 6! He was so confused.

I communicate with the ex when I have to. But I mainly leave it up to my FH because she has caused me endless panic attacks.

While I don't know your specific situation, I would personally tell her. That way everyone knows. I think she's going to cause stress either way, honestly. This way you're the "good guy" (as hard as it is to be sometimes...I get it) and no one has to keep secrets. And so you don't have to worry about what she'll do IF she finds out. Or hell, even worrying about if she finds out. I think that'd be more stressful.

I wish you the best! These situations are very difficult! But our men are worth it

View Quoted Comment Fiance wants to give the kids time to adjust but also keep the drama from the ex to a minimum

View Quoted Comment We're wanting to give the kids time to adjust to the change but keep the ex drama to a minimum

View Quoted Comment

Oh if anybody understands this it is me. My best advice is above. I'm here if you ever need to chat.

I would 100% leave this up to your FH. It’s his decision if he wants to risk the drama or ask his kids to lie to their mother. My advice to you is to just completely remove yourself from the situation. Of course you should be there for him and supportive of him but it should be entirely his decision about how to handle his ex wife and his kids. If a “wrong” decision gets made, it should NOT be on you!

His kids are 15 and 17 mine is 16. My ex isn't an issue but of course we've been divorced 3x as long. My FH wants to just take a family mini-vacation and but are trying to do what's best for all 3 children which none of them like change . We're both not confrontational people and don't like drama so we're trying to maximize the joy of the trip/weekend

He wants to tell the kids that we're going to take our relationship to the next level the first part of the year then tell them we're going on a mini-family vacation and tell them we're going to get married on the trip and that he will tell their mom as it is his place.

If she is dramatic and aggressive, I probably wouldn't tell her. Especially if she will interrupt the elopement. How old are your kids? Them keeping a secret, or you not telling them until the last minute, may be the best for no drama.

View Quoted Comment The thought was to ask them how they feel about us getting married and that we plan to do so the first part of next year. Then closer to time like a week before to tell them we're taking a family trip

View Quoted Comment They are 15,16,17

View Quoted Comment

I would maybe just ask them in passing, so it isn't a big deal, about how they feel about you getting married. If they are fine with it, I'd plan the vacation and just tell them right before.

My daughters biological father didn’t tell me about his wedding and my daughter is suppose to be in it. It is stressing me out, because I should know, for the sake of my child.

i definitely would tell her that you are getting married in January, but you don’t need to indulge details about the wedding. I think it is the right thing to do. You are already prepared for her response.

View Quoted Comment Do you not have to give her notice that your taking the children on vacation? Are you planning on taking them out of school for the trip?

I can totally understand and respect that their may be drama, but I think that’s possible with or without telling her. And I don’t think it’s fair to talk to the kids about an abstract idea about you getting married at some point soon and then a week before say surprise we mean next week.

If I were your FH, I would announce your intention to marry to the kids, without any mention of when a wedding or elopement would take place. It will most likely get back to her that way. Then, I would tell ex-wife about a potential vacation at a later date. Personally, I would not make it seem like you’re seeking her approval or something. And if I were you, I wouldn’t deal with her directly.

I didn't say a word to my ex-H. My son told him I think lol. But my ex is not aggressive or dramatic in anyway... I would tell her directly and not put the kids the place of having to avoid the issue.

View Quoted Comment

Exactly what I was thinking.

View Quoted Comment She only has visitation