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Savvy May 2020

Toxic mother /wedding drama

Spring Bride, on March 10, 2020 at 4:07 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 11

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Hi everyone. I posted about this before but it was removed because I swore understandably. I’m going to try this again lol. My wedding is in May and my shower is this weekend. My mother will be nice and fine one minute and angry and hostile the next. She has a drinking problem. First, she doesn’t like my attitude. Then she hates my fathers family and calls them names. She lives an hr away and doesn’t drive and is not helping at all with the planning only trying to make my life miserable. If she has a problem with my tone she will threaten not to come to the wedding. She has said it 4 times already and will call me the next week and say “ oh ok so let’s talk about the plans for the shower and wedding” like everything is fine. Then she will take everything I say personally and threaten me again a few weeks later. This time, I was trying to find her a ride for the shower and I told her I asked a few people but they can’t and I will figure it out. She starting flipping saying that I don’t want her there anyway “ you know what, you’re not getting a gift and I’m not coming to the wedding or shower!” And “you will probably end up divorced anyway!” This just happened. I am home sick with the flu and just cannot deal with this anymore. She assumed the worst and doesn’t think before she speaks. She tries to hurt you with her words then acts like nothing happened. She is blaming me saying that I am going to look like a jerk when my own mother is not there. I told her that’s it, I’ve had enough and she is no longer welcome. I blocked her number because she keeps leaving messages swearing saying how can I treat her like this I’m awful! I’m to the point where I am relieved but it still does bother me a little. Has anyone else been through this type of thing before ?

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Latest activity by Jenna, on March 25, 2021 at 8:20 PM

Legend June 2019
Melle · on March 10, 2020 at 4:21 PM
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I am annoyed at my mom 9/10 times we have a conversation but she’s not toxic. However I want to say that based on what you’re saying it would be hard to tell which version of your mom you’d get for your wedding day.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on March 10, 2020 at 4:40 PM
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I'm very sorry that you are dealing with this and she should definitely be more supportive. Has your mother always been like this or is this just recently since you got engaged? You need to do what feels best but I definitely think that you should distance yourself from your mother for a while until she can kind of get herself together. If you do decide to mend fences I definitely feel that you should talk to her and tell her about her actions and how they make you feel and unless she can change her behavior she's not welcome at your wedding.
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Savvy May 2020
Spring Bride · on March 10, 2020 at 4:43 PM
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Thank you. The thing is , I have talked to her about it. I told her last month she is not invited if she drinks or threatens not to go again because she is mad. She agreed , but has done it twice since that conversation.
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Expert June 2020
Kelsi · on March 10, 2020 at 4:44 PM
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Does your mom have narcissistic personality disorder? My dad is an alcoholic (supposedly recovering) and the same exact way. Like...almost word for word (if you want, you can private message me because my dad has said some pretty terrible things about me/my future marriage). My dad was officially diagnosed but claims it was a misdiagnosis *insert eye roll*. But I have learned a few things dealing with this my whole life and the biggest is to end the conversation without letting them finish. As your mom is mid rant, say, "I've got to go!" and hang up before she has a chance to respond. When you respond to her in any way, you are giving her exactly what she wants and she will continue doing this. But also prepare yourself for the chance she may not actually come.
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Expert October 2020
Onya · on March 10, 2020 at 5:01 PM
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Dealing with a family member with mental issues is difficult but it takes a patient and understanding person to work through it. You are not obligated to but if you care about your mother's presence there you can take this time to let her blow off some steam. I would even recommend letting her speak with someone. She seems bipolar. I've dealt with family with these circumstances and others. I was very close to uninviting my mother even for different reasons but I'm happy I didn't and I'm happy they she's willing to keep unsolicited thoughts to herself. (But the wedding is 2021 so we'll see.) I hope everything works out in the end.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on March 10, 2020 at 5:38 PM
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I think you should have a happy experience free from verbal abuse. I am so sorry this is coming from you mom.
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Dedicated March 2020
Heather · on March 10, 2020 at 7:04 PM
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Ughh it sucks to deal with a toxic parent like that. My mom is bipolar and the first time I got married the night ended with her throwing a tantrum and cursing and throwing things.
This time around she's refusing to acknowledge I'm even engaged, despite the wedding being in less than a month.
Even with the personality shortcomings it's still sad not to have a parent's support like you should. I don't have any advice on dealing with it other than it might take a lot of stress off of you to not have her come to the wedding. With her there you'll likely be worried about something setting her off. Hope it all works out for you however you decide to handle it.
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Dedicated June 2022
Dachelle · on March 10, 2020 at 8:31 PM
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My dear sister, your mother has a mental disorder and while we should be compassionate towards those like this, you are being mentally abused and are under no obligation to have your mother there. It may be sad but you will be happy in the end when you get your beautiful day without her trying to be the center of attention.

I recommend writing her a letter letting her know that you love her and want her there on your wedding day but she needs to get some help first.
It's not uncommon to cut toxic family members out of one's life.
I wish you the best.
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Savvy May 2020
Spring Bride · on March 10, 2020 at 10:11 PM
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Thank you for your response. I honestly feel like she will still blame me even if I wrote her a letter. She has always been the victim even after everything she has said and done. Emotionally , I cannot let myself be disappointed again when she acts fine and does the same thing the next week she will never admit she needs help.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on March 11, 2020 at 3:29 AM
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I'm sorry.
I also had to block my mother and completely remove her from my life before the wedding.
Toxic, narcissistic parents are the worst, and you have my deepest sympathy.
Blocking her was tough, but in the end, not having her there made our day stress-free, happy, and drama-free.
Our society places a huge emphasis on the mother-daughter bond, and really doesn't give us a lot of room for different experiences. You are not alone. This is for your health and safety. Give yourself room to grieve, but do not punish yourself for it.
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Jenna · on March 25, 2021 at 8:20 PM
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I am so sorry to hear this - sincerely and from the bottom of my heart I know how you feel! My mom today just told me she won’t come to my wedding over me not being comfortable with her plus 1. My parents had a nasty divorce and neither of them having a plus one is better for everyone. She sounds like your mom in that she’s very immature and doesn’t think before she speaks, which is hurtful and frustrating. All I can say is I am right here with you and we need to focus on our day and our love and marriage! If they decide to come or not, that’s their decision and if they choose to be immature it is what it is. Sending you strength and good vibes
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Toxic mother /wedding drama

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