Trans Non-binary and the Gendered Language of Weddings

Hm, I'm just tossing ideas here... maybe we can come up with something through these suggestions.

- Life Partner

- Better Half (Informal) or Other Half (Informal, again)

- Significant Other (Pretty standard)

- Sweetheart or Lover or Date Mate (Found this one online lol)

I feel like I would go with partner. I mean my FH and I call each other partner all the time. I don't even think twice about it honestly.

What does pronoun does your FS perfer to go by? They/Them? Mx? Sitting down and speaking about their personal preferences might help pull an idea to light.

I personally love the word spouse, as its an intimate word that only gets to be used by those who are married, and so few people actually refer to their SO that way. Most couples will say Husband/wife or husband/husband or wife/wife when referring to the other half of the relationship. Being able to use spouse seems almost special to me - because even though anyone can use it people rarely do. I don't think you have to not use the word fiance/fiancee if you would still like to! Just speak to your partner about which variation they would like to use; though if its something they are uncomfortable with then obviously nix it. Even though its written to denote a specific gender its pronounced the same, and people today are rarely aware of which version denotes which sex. totally up to you both though.

I understand if you do not feel the same way though, and think that maybe trying a couple of the variations out and seeing what feels and fits best for you both would maybe be a good option. Some ideas have already been thrown out here in regards to words that can be used but you may also want to consider thinking of something that is for the two of you.

Some common ones

Better Half - Slightly formal to me, and very romantic

Significant other - Generic and informal, but not a bad choice if its something that sounds good to you

Beloved, Dear, My Love - generally used as nicknames but could potentially work if its something you would feel comfortable refurring to them as

Spouse - A common but slightly unused word IMO - also able to be slightly more personalized (Beloved spouse, ETC)

Partner/Life Partner - Can be made fun or romantic! Depending on what you put with it and how you phrase it (Partner in crime, life partner, partner in all things)

I agree with Munchkin about the word spouse and how special it is. In Spanish I use the word "pareja" which translates to partner in English. So at least in Spanish the word doesn't really imply a married couple. I often use it in Spanish when I need to mention my fiance but don't want to talk weddings with someone I don't know well yet.

So I'm not sure if it's used the same way in English, but to me partner is a strong word for significant other that can be married or not.

I vote for spouse when saying: This is my spouse.

If you're thinking about introductions, I can see how announcing "the spouses" sounds odd. In that case I'd go for: "Please give a round of applause for the Newlyweds FirstName and FirstName"

During the ceremony the officiant could say: "You may now give each other your first kiss as a married couple"

Best of luck!

Pretty cheesy but how about soulmate

Love the life partner suggestion or commited partner!

Hi! I'm a femme presenting cis woman who married a masc presenting cis woman, so we don't have the same problems as you two, but I am on the daily emerged in a world full of queerness and NB and GNC people. So, I have some thoughts:

1. The word life partner makes me cringe. Don't know what it is about it, maybe it's my ageism showing, but to me it seems sappy and antiquated.

2. My wife for a while wanted to call me her partner, because she wanted to stay away from gendered terms. She now has grown into loving using "wife" but the word "partner" brings up some complicated feelings. She would say it, and people would assume she was talking about another woman. I would say it and people would think I was talking about a man. I get cranky sometimes about the word and how it started being used by the queer community, and it very much was coded as "oh this person has a partner of the same gender, or a nb partner" but then straight people swooped in and started saying it and it got diluted.

3. fiance is cool when spoken out loud because it's gender neutral! (but again, i also had the problem above when i went from being able to say "my girlfriend" and people knowing i was talking about a woman to fiance and people assuming i was talking about a dude. heteronormativity yall.

4. i love the word spouse. and i think on the day up, and leading up to it, its a good one to use! but you don't seem to love it, which stinks, because there's not much out there in the wedding world for those who dont adhere to binary gender. let's destroy this, okay? Do you guys like being fancy? you can use "betrothed." we actually had a vendor use that with us and it made me feel like fancy royalty. also this is stupid but it made me laugh when i thought of it, the old term bridegroom literally has both in there. Are they the bride? Are they the groom? Guess what gender's a joke theyre both!!!!

5. when you say youre curious about the day of, do you mean how vendors and stuff are going to refer to you, or how youre going to talk about each other in the ceremony? because we actually didn't use gendered terms at all in our ceremony, and didnt make any reference to how wed be each others' wives or spouses, we just talked about how we were going to love each other forever and start a new part of our lives. it was awesome, and our ceremony made all my irish catholic family cry and tell me how nice it was to have something that felt so personal and so different from what they were used to. if you're talking about people the day of being "i need to bride and the spouse here at 12 for photos," we just had people say "we need caitie and alice here now"

If none of these terms feel right, your officiant can just use your names in the ceremony and say at the end something like

"Mary and Casey, I now pronounce you married. You may kiss each other"

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You are literally my favorite person.

I cracked up laughing at "are they the bride? are they the groom? guess what gender's a joke they're both!"

Also I to ditest partner as a romantic term. It always feels so sterile, and life partner doubly so.

OP, I'm a cis woman, any my FW is a trans woman, so we aren't having the terminology problems you're having, because we do use girlfriend and wife-to-be etc. I do use Darling a lot, and sweethearts, which are both gender neutral but still full of love.

The newlyweds for being announced, and you're names. Sometimes its fun to say like "This is Kate & Kate's [Name of your date mate]". Like my FW is Allie, so we're "This is Xandii and Xandii's Allie." Like she's her own Allie, but she's also my Allie and thats an important standing in my life.

I'm knee deep in this wedding planning thing and dealing with planning a lovely queer and inclusive weddings, so like, drop me a line if you need anything! Or even just a queer support friend.

So it sounds like (and please correct me if I'm misinterpreting your original post) you're looking for just the right word for your partner on the *actual day* of the wedding. Like, the day before the wedding they are your fiancé/e and the day after they are your spouse, but on the day OF the wedding you're the bride and they're the.... something. So like when people toast at a wedding they might say "here's to the Bride and Groom" or "here's to the Bride and Bride" or "here's to the Groom and Groom" and what you're looking for is "here's to the Bride and _______". Is that the general idea?

I really like PW&G's idea of "bridegroom." The only other thing that I can think of would be to come up with something that focuses on the celebration... "Celebree"?

I believe the whole idea is that OP's fiancé/e isn't comfortable with either "bride" or "groom," hence the search for another, neutral term.

Not everyone who identifies as female or male (therefore using the term bride or groom) has the corresponding genitals that traditionally go along with that term. Sometimes it’s more complicated.

I think spouse and future spouse would work. I agree that we don’t use that word very frequently, but perhaps we should. I try to if I don’t know the gender of someone’s SO (or what they would prefer the gender of their future SO to be).

What if you did my better half

I’m actually in a kinda similar boat as you when it comes to the day of the wedding. I’m a ciswoman who is feminine, so I felt that bride really fit my personal taste. As for my future wife, she’s also a ciswoman but she’s masculine. She hates the idea of being called bride, but doesn’t necessarily think that groom would be the right title either.
When we are announced we’re going to just ask the offiant to say “I know pronounce you married!” As far as what we will be referred to at the wedding, all we have so far is “bride and espouse”

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Thanks!! But also they can just say "to kate and *insert name of cutie nb spouse." thats how most of our toasts went.

Oh no. OH NO. OH NOOOOOOOOO,

So first, before I get into gender 101, a little bio lesson. Sex is determined by a combination of things included hormones, physical features (dick/vage but also facial hair and chest structure), and chromosomes, which you cite. Pretty regularly these things don't all line up. And sometimes even, your beloved chromosomes are not as simple as XX and XY. Someone who falls under this umbrella is called intersex. Some people have male hormones, but female features and chromosomes. Sometimes, people have XXY chromosomes. How does that fit your narrative. It's important to distinguish the difference between gender and sex, but even when talking about just biological sex, it's so much more than a binary this or that. It's all on a continuum.

Which brings me to gender. Gender, unlike sex, is a socially constructed concept. It is not what you possess chromosomally, hormonally, or physically. It it what you know your gender is. There is a large proportion of our population for which the sex they were assigned at birth does not match the gender they know they are. Often we think of these people as female to male or male to female transgender people. However, there is an in between. We have all been encultareted to believe that gender is binary. Thousands of years of patriarchy have helped continue this concept. But recent science, and common sense, will show that nothing is black and white, yes or no, or, binary. There is middle ground in everything, including in gender. There are many people who do not identify as male, or as female, but instead as non-binary. Because eff the black and white of the gender binary, why should they have to live according to a rigid social standard.

For you to disregard them with (erroneous) biological statements is transphobia and I'm not here for it.

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Bioessentialism like this is pretty transphobic and really not helpful in this comment thread. Not everyone with a vagina is a woman. Not everyone with a penis is a man. Chromosomes also don't define gender.

View Quoted Comment WOW this is even worse. You can't just say "I'm not trying to be transphobic" to suddenly make your VERY transphobic statements okay.
You weren't paying attention or being helpful to what the OP asked at all. You're out here preaching bioessentialism and denying the gender spectrum after OP said her SO is non-binary. You are NOT being helpful by trying to invalidate their identity.