Before anyone says "See a therapist", I am going to preface this post acknowledging that. I just got back from attending a wedding and my ten year anniversary will be coming up in September. My wedding brings up feelings of anxiety and it's my hope to be able to look at the wedding video/album with my husband without issue. I'd like to remember the happy times with him and not ask him for the billionth time if we should have danced more or if I looked beautiful.
I should have had a second makeup trial, but I felt she should have brought all the options in the first trial and I didn't want to pay another fifty bucks. I decided to go with the airbrush on the big day and, while everything looked great, she missed a spot. I didn't even notice.... probably because my mom came in rushing me with the timeline since both the hair and make up artists were taking longer than the allotment they had asked for. I thought everything was great and I was on cloud 9 to start my day complete with the fantasy of a first time trip in a limousine when I suddenly looked up and saw a big red spot on the side of my nose! The bright lights embedded in the mirror and close up angle highlighted it. I froze and panicked. My dad was known to call me overdramatic and overemotional so I was afraid to even say anything for fear of getting gas lit and also I didn't really have the confidence in myself to trust that I could touch it up myself. By the time I mentioned it to my mom, it was too late and she said I looked fine anyways so I went on with my day, but it bothered me in the back of my mind the whole time. I couldn't feel completely comfortable. I have nightmares about looking up into that limousine in which should have been the start of a fairy tale day!
NO ONE... not the make up artist or photographer noticed it. I asked to have the dozen pictures or so that I felt showed it to be touched up. It just messes with my mind when I tried so hard and truly was happy with everything else. I worked out to get my body in prime model shape, my hair & nails, whitened smile, gorgeous eye makeup, blush & lipstick, tan, and dress looked fabulous! I put a lot of work & care getting into that condition and it's the best I've ever looked in my whole life so that I could look perfect on my wedding day. It felt like getting 99.5 percent of the way to your goal and not touching it!
I also missed chances to dance when my husband is usually not that enthusiastic to dance.... the good thing is that because of all this, he is trying to be better about that. He is super supportive. I missed certain moments from my attention being pulled elsewhere and recaptured those later to the best I could. But at the time, I was so so devastated at missing certain moments and of not being able to go in confident about my look due to one stupid little spot with thin makeup coverage.
I hope that I can look back at all three hundred something picture perfect photos without feeling regret or anxiety. I hope I can focus on how special the day was and how we started our family. I hope I can take the silver lining of lessons I learned along with the love I felt. I hope I can forgive the upbringing I had that made me so afraid of criticism and afraid to act at that time. I would like to feel in my core of being that I don't need do anything perfectly to feel confident and competent.
I appreciate any support, positivity, or insight out there. Thanks for reading!
