Ultimatums from Mom

The situation you’re in is terrible. But at the end of the day it’s your day! If I were you & someone told me they didn’t like my fiancé I honestly wouldn’t even invite them to the wedding, let alone be my coordinator. Family or not. But that’s just me.

Could your mom be bluffing? I feel like there's no way that she would actually miss your wedding. If she is willing to miss your wedding over something so petty, that is her regret to deal with for the rest of her life. I know it's easier said than done but I have no room in my life for manipulative people

View Quoted Comment I agree with this 100%.

Additionally, i know she's your mother but with the way she's treating you, I wouldn't want her there.

If your mother is rational, I'd talk to her and put it out there that your aunt doesn't have her interest in mind for your own wedding, she doesn't support the marriage and you're confused as to why your mother is so concerned over what your aunt wants that she doesn't care at all about her relationship with you. Because intentionally missing my wedding to be a you know what and "punish" me will ruin that relationship so fast.

Call her bluff.

Just that first sentence alone made me kind of cringe; a family member is your coordinator? Never a good idea as this can bring about tensions.

At this point, gosh a family meeting may be a good idea. Make a list of your vision/goals for your aunt and lovingly remind her that you appreciate her work BUT its your day, not hers.

Hope this helps

I'm not sure of the relationship you have with your mother and if she would actually NOT attend your wedding.. But I'd call her bluff!

I would have a conversation with her alone once things settle somewhat (a week or two). Explain to her that your aunt does not like your fiance and things are getting weird (or exactly what's going on). Tell her you love her and would be completely crushed if she doesn't attend but you no longer want your aunt to be your coordinator. You can even through an example in there with her as the subject. (I.e. "Mom what if Ms.Suzy next door wanted to through you an amazing party but TOLD YOU she didn't like dad (or her spouse) and did nothing in his interest for this party. Would you still want her to host it for you?"

My personal opinion.. four months is still enough time to find a new coordinator and have the wedding of your dreams if you know EXACTLY what you want and express that from the start.

I would never hire someone, family or otherwise, to be a part of my wedding if they didn't like my FH. On another note, your family sounds emotionally abusive and I'm so sorry you're going through this. You two are only getting married once and you deserve to have the wedding you want (within your budget) and you deserve to enjoy this time together. I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of that. If FH treats you well, respects you, and goes out of his way to make you happy and feel special, don't let anyone else make you feel otherwise.

My aunt was a full time wedding planner for 25 years (she is now an event planner, not just weddings) so she offered to help me with planning my wedding. If she “didn’t like my fiancé and didn’t want to work with him,” sorry, then she wouldn’t be involved...ever. I don’t think you made a mistake in cutting off that relationship. How can someone coordinate a wedding for someone they don’t like? Does your mom know your aunt said this? Does your mom like your fiancé? I would explain to your mom everything your aunt said. If your mom doesn’t agree with you, I would call her bluff. If she skips your wedding and basically sides with your aunt not liking your fiancé, I think it sounds like she’s not supportive either.

PS - I am so sorry you are going through this. Your fiancé is your future family and that’s really all that matters. Sometimes, families can suck.

Lol, then she just wouldn’t be attending. No one who is on the ‘vendor team’ should be calling you dumb or saying they don’t want to work with your fiancé. Now you are where your mothers loyalties lie. If she doesn’t want to attend her daughters wedding over something this petty, she will be the one who is dumb.

It's pretty crappy of your mom to give an ultimatum like that. It's sad your aunt can't have kids but that doesn't mean she has the right to dictate your wedding. If she's not working with you to make your day the way you and your FH wants then she's gotta go. If she wasn't your aunt and she was acting this way she'd be fired. Have a serious conversation with her about your expectations and put your foot down. If she is insistent about being all about herself then let her go. Don't let your mom manipulate you. My mom tries that. I call her bluff all the time. Heck I told her we weren't driving to their house for Christmas this year because we are expected to go to them for every single holiday and I wanted to have this one at my home for once. She threatened to return all my sons presents and said she was taking down all the decorations and all sorts of things. I told her flat out it wasn't fair that we are expected to spend every single holiday on the road. Guess who came to my house after she realized I wasn't bending this time.

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This is a great idea. In this meeting it needs to be clear she needs to stop being negative and understand it is your day. If she can't, for your family relationship, it would be best for everybody if you went with somebody else. Your mom should be there too, so she can understand this as well.

I also just reread your post. She doesn't like your FH and won't work with him. I'm not sure why she would want to coordinate the wedding then. She needs to work with him or step down and enjoy the day as a guest.

Buffing or not you should not give into your mother. It’s your wedding and not hers. Ultimatums such as that, especially on things that have nothing to do with her, are just wrong. If she doesn’t come it’s her choice that cause it, not yours.

Personally, I would tell them both where to go. What they're doing isnt ok and is beyond childish. I wont allow anyone near my wedding that isnt important to both my FH and I and that wants to start problems. If someone didnt like FH they wouldnt be a part of our day in any capacity. We have both dealt with a lot of issues with our families and this is a second marriage for both of us so we want to start it out with only those that love and support us. In the end your mom is the one making the choice not to be there if you choose to have someone else coordinate and you're not in control of what she chooses to do.

View Quoted Comment I agree. My Mom tried this same thing with my first wedding, because I wasn't doing things her way. I told her very calmly that it is her decision. She is invited and welcome to come, but as an adult she can chose not to come. I never heard another word about anything and she came. I personally would have been ok with her not coming if she can act in a supportive manner.