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Beginner February 2021

Uncertainty with Rings

Luisa, on April 21, 2020 at 8:01 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18

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So my amazing partner proposed to me at the start of this year and we both decided to go chose the ring together. In short the beginning of the engagement was very hectic with all the pressure and excitement from the people around us. My fiance and I also had the stress of us both coming from very different backgrounds so my side is the type to splurge whereas his side doesnt value putting money into a wedding.

So I felt very nervous when picking the ring because when at the beginning I tried a ring on that was above the budget we had set together it stressed my fiance. With all the stress I quickly picked the nicest ring that fit the budget.

Basically, my issue now is I feel negative when I look at the ring because although it is beautiful I feel as though I didnt allow myself the freedom to explore and actualy find out what ring I would really want. My fiance has noticed and I can tell he feels bad especially after he heard my family comment on wanting to give me more money to get a more expensive ring. He keeps offering to get me a more expensive ring but I keep refusing because I feel like its too late to change the ring now given ive been wearing it for a while and I want him to know that the most important thing is his love not the ring.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and do you have any tips on how to overcome the negative feelings?

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Belle, on April 21, 2020 at 8:08 PM

Devoted May 2021
Lena · on April 21, 2020 at 8:32 AM
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Its not about the ring, its about the person you're marrying. My fiance could have proposed with a ring pop and I would be just as happy. Don't put value on materials or you'll never be happy is the best advice I can give. Good luck!
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 8:42 AM
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Hi Lena,

Thanks for the reply. I completely agree with what youre saying but I feel like there was a bit of misunderstanding on what I was saying. No matter what ring my fiance would have proposed with, I would have said yes because there is no doubt about how we feel about each other.
I guess the negativity is more aimed at myself than anything. The decision on the ring was rushed and if I had taken more time and slowed things down I would have found out about moisinite which would have cost us a fraction of the price but opened up the ability to chose a style that I would like more.
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Devoted July 2021
Jeni · on April 21, 2020 at 8:45 AM
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I think this is a good time for you two to sit down and have a serious conversation about finances. If he's a saver and you're a spender, it could cause bigger problems in your marriage. You two also need to learn to how to not only set a realistic budget, but stick to it. You have to work this out as a team and not allow outside influences (your families) to sway your united front.

As far as your engagement ring: let. it. go. It may not have high monetary value, but it has sentimental value as the ring you got together and how it symbolizes your commitment to each other. It may even be hurtful or insulting to him if you take your family's money to get another one, even if he won't admit it. You still have your wedding band to pick out, so you can pick something that adds something you like to your engagement ring or choose to only wear your wedding band after the wedding. And some point later in your marriage, maybe he'll surprise you with an upgraded ring for a special anniversary. Your enagement ring is a small thing in the grand scheme of your marriage, so don't let this one thing cause stress between the two of you.
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Devoted May 2021
Lena · on April 21, 2020 at 8:47 AM
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I see. Why don't you? I know its not the norm but if it bothers you so much then do it. Talk to your fiance, explain your feelings and go for it. You do have to wear the ring for the rest of your life.
Or you can always upgrade a year or so in. My parents got married young and have been together for almost 30 years, my moms first ring wasn't even a diamond but my dad has been upgrading her ring every 5 years or so. Same band, bigger diamond lol. Just an idea
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Super August 2020
Alex · on April 21, 2020 at 8:48 AM
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I would not change the ring now. If you want to upgrade your ring on your 5 or 10 year anniversary I think that's okay.
My ring is smaller than I would have picked out for myself, but after wearing it for nearly a year I wouldn't change ANYTHING about it. I love it so much and I couldn't imagine anything different. Also after the news of the engagement wears off, people stop fussing over your ring. I would give it at least 6 months before you even consider a change.
With all that is going on in the world right now, I would take some time to find some perspective. Is it about the ring or is about who you are marrying? Why is a piece of jewelry giving you so much stress? Why does the cost of the ring matter so much to you? I would really try to do some sole searching.
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 8:52 AM
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Hi Lena,

Thats a nice idea. I think I was feeling bad because we spent a lot of money on a ring that I dont really love when we could have spent a lot less on a ring I would have liked more. When your mum has her ring upgraded does she keep the old ring or sell it?
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 8:58 AM
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We have spent time now after the engagement to discuss finances. Between us im a massive saver and have been saving for years whereas he is just starting to save. At the beginning we got confused because I would watch him spend money on things that I thought were a waste but then hesitate to spend on our wedding. We are now on the same page ans understand each others values.

Something I dont think I explained well in my initial message is that it isnt about the value as such and when my family offered I was fuming. But we spent a fair but of money on a ring that I wouldnt say im in love with enough to justify the cost of it. And now after some time Ive found out about man made diamonds that look great but would have cost a fraction of the price so I would have been able to chose a style that i would have liked more.
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Devoted May 2021
Lena · on April 21, 2020 at 8:58 AM
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She kept the first ring that she was proposed with for sentimental reasons and honesty its not worth anything. My dad got a new ring for her like 10 years after they got married, now he upgrades the diamond itself. So she trades in the old diamond and my dad pays the difference. The jewelry store then sets the new diamond on the same band. Hope that makes sense
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 9:03 AM
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Hi Alex,

Thank you for the reply. When i realised I was upset about the ring I took some time out to speak to my fiance. At first I didnt understand his hesitation about spending money on the ring when we did have the finances for it but once I understood his side and the values he grew up with I was ok with it.
Now the feelings Im having is because I didnt takke the time out at the beginning and do proper research I didnt find out about things like handmade diamonds that cost a fraction of the cost. I guess Im feeling bad because we spent a fair bit of money on a ring that I dont really love when we could have spent so much less but had the chance to explore more styles.
For you did your ring grow on you over time?
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 9:07 AM
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Thats such a great idea. Im definitly mentioning it to my fiance. I love jewlery but have never spent much on it because I get bored of it quickly and like changing the styles. So ive been worried about wearing one ring for the rest of my life.

And even keeping the first one for sentimental reasons is so nice because its just a reminder of where things began and how far youve come together
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Super August 2020
Alex · on April 21, 2020 at 9:15 AM
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I would say my ring grew on me overtime. I feel like it has become a part of me and I couldn't imagine another ring. In the beginning everyone is asking about the ring, asking to see it. It is easy to get caught up in all that. All of the fussing over the ring dies down.
I wouldn't waste your time on regrets. There are always: could've, would've, should've. If you spend time on regret, it will eat you up. Appreciate what you have and move on. If you want to change your ring for an anniversary in a few years, then go for it. I think if your keep fretting over this it will only confine to hurt you and your FH.
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 9:20 AM
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Yeah I completely agree. This stuff isnt whats important in life which is why I wanted to figure out how to get over my negativity and move on because its not worth it. Knowing that changing the ring in the future is an option was all I really needed because now even if the ring doesnt grow on me I feel like I have an option. Thank you for the help
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Devoted July 2021
Jeni · on April 21, 2020 at 11:07 AM
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I'm so glad you had that conversation! It's always tricky because as individuals, we personally value things that another person may think is frivolous, and vice versa.

But now, think of your ring as money spent and move on. Yeah, there may be cheaper options out there, but as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. If you think about it, your ring is probably one of the best attire-related purchase you'll make. Take the total cost and divide it by the number of days you'll wear it in your life. You'll find that the daily cost is much lower than the daily cost of any shoes, clothes, necklaces, or even underwear!
Like others have said, the fuss dies down after a few months. If someone says something negative in the meantime, you can just pause, look them dead in the eyes, and say, "excuse me?"
My dad upgraded my mom's ring at Christmas last year. My mom decided to keep the original diamond, though, because of sentimental value. She plans on having it made into a necklace.
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Devoted July 2020
Autumn · on April 21, 2020 at 1:07 PM
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You say the most important thing is his love and not the ring but this entire post says the opposite. If I was your FH I would be so hurt if I saw this post.
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 5:44 PM
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Hi Jeni,

Thats a really cool way of looking at it, dividing the price by the rest of my life. Thanks for all the help Jeni, Im feeling a lot better now. I can fully understand why she would keep the diamond. Even if I upgrade I think I would keep this ring just as a reminder.
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Beginner February 2021
Luisa · on April 21, 2020 at 5:59 PM
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Hi Autumn,

I can see how that could come across in my initial messagw but Ive been clarifying things in my comments. The post was asknowledging that I feel some negativity towards the ring and the whole process of how I picked it. The frustration was directed at myself and not that I was disappointed by the price but that for the price we paid I could have found an alternative ring with manmade diamonds and found a style of ring I prefered for much cheaper. None of my negative feelings were directed at my FH because he's been amazing and I couldnt be happier with what we have.
In terms of the ring it is something that I see everyday and will wear for the rest of my life so. Just like any piece of clothing or jewelery you want to wear things that you find appealing. In the comments people have mentioned that people change the ring for anniversaries which to me made me feel a lot better knowing that was an option. Again I dont have any issues with my FH because I was picking the ring with him and I was the one who got caught up in the stress of the moment.
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Super October 2020
Leslie · on April 21, 2020 at 7:52 PM
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I picked out a ring I loved at a reasonable price at Costco. And I would say- oh they still have my ring. Did he buy it? No. Was I disappointed? Yes. But he picked it out and paid for it. It is a gift. Some things in life aren’t really worth crying over. In the future, upgrade if that’s what you both want. Engagement rings and weddings are not just for social media but they’re a financial commitment you and your partner make. If I was your fiancé I’d be concerned that you’d would go way outside the wedding budget as it’s easy to get wrapped up in it, A marriage is a compromise.
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VIP August 1997
Belle · on April 21, 2020 at 8:08 PM
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My dh never bought me a ring until 22 years after we eloped. We got “married” with a simple rings his brother gift us because we were too broke. The rings didn’t even fit us. It was just for symbol at church. He only bought me a necklace in our whole marriage until those 22 years.

A year ago he bought us a fancy wedding band from Tiffany. Then he bought me high up brand bags, wallets, necklaces, earrings, and a few months later he proposed with another fancy infinity ring.
Appreciate how he treats you day by day, that’s way more important.
I rather be with someone who knows his financial limit. I personally don’t want to use “future money” to live. I don’t like to sleep at night thinking how much we owe the credit company. That is a nightmare to me. The only credit we have is our house mortgage.
Seems like your FH knows how to save for his future. That’s a great thing.
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Uncertainty with Rings

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