Unemployed & Uninterested…

It sounds to me like your fiance’s values (and lack of employment) is causing you grief, as is the fact that there is no escape from one another, you are in each other’s presence 24/7 and it has become burdensome – something which could be alleviated by him getting a job.

Based on the information you have provided, I can’t speak to the viability of him starting his own business (is his goal realistic? does he have what it takes to run his own business? has he begun preparations to do this or spent any money towards this yet?) but it sounds to me like you could both do with him finding employment in the interim, and if he doesn’t, I fear your relationship will decline given how you are already feeling about this.

If you are unable to have productive conversations about the topic, it may be time to turn to couple’s counselling and try see if a third party can help you both work out the issues you’re presently facing.

Good luck OP, sending hugs!

I think the previous poster makes some very good points. Your fiance wants to start his own business, but is this actually a real possibility? Plenty of people would love to start their own business and never have to work for someone else again, but that's not always realistic. Also does he realize how much work it takes to own your own business? My parents own a pest control company that my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law and two other people work for and they are always busy. Heck they were getting calls to come do jobs on my wedding day even though they told people they weren't available that day. Owning your own company is a huge commitment well beyond the typical eight hours a day five days a week. Maybe he doesn't see that and only sees the fact he wouldn't have someone else telling him what to do. But if he's because lazy like you've said I can't imagine he would have what it takes to run a business. If he's doing nothing to achieve having his own business and isn't looking for a job that's even worse. Personally I think you need to put the wedding planning on hold and either further discuss what he's going to do about employment on your own or with the help of a counselor.

The pandemic has been hard on everyone. My fiancé and have both been working from home in a small 1 bedroom apartment and it completely changed how we interacted with each. Couples counseling has really helped us. We are better at communicating with each other now. I highly recommend it. The lack of employment definitely seems to be an issue but if you’re arguing about little stuff too than you probably have some opportunities to communicate better. Look in to a counselor!

Oh man this is super hard. I want to be super supportive and tell you that it will be rosey and perfect, but I think you need to have a very frank and honest conversation with him and explain what you wrote above. Explain that you were super excited for your future together back when he was working, tell him about your hopes and dreams for your future but that they won't be possible if he continues. Tell him that you want to support him opening his own business but are not seeing progress and feel that he needs to get a job and he can work full time and make money 'till he busines is completely operational. He can start working full time at a job and eventually phase to part time and then completely off if his business is successful.

Also maybe find out if he's depressed and if he's depressed maybe see if you can get him some professional help or ask him to go to couples counseling with you.

If he doesn't want to do that, I think you should post pone your wedding. The money you might loose on your wedding will be nothing compared to the cost of a divorce, not even just monitary cost.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for that! I think your delivery was great and didn’t seem aggressive like mine comes off at times when it concerns this topic and that’s because whenever the conversation does come up I feel the possibility of an unnecessary argument. We have compromised and worked out the kinks in every category except for this one, which I feel is so fixable but now that reality of marriage is starting to set in I just want to have assurance that he will step up and be the man I know and have witnessed him to be.

I agree with Savvy, definitely about seeking professional help for any psychological issues/grief he might be experiencing related to his injury, being out of work, COVID, etc. These things are real and life-altering. Depression and anxiety often look like laziness, especially for men who don't like to ask for help.

But I also think it's fair to consider what your true concerns are for yourself. For example, are you worried about your finances, less attracted because he's not as busy/ambitious, have your priorities changed and does this link to future goals (we all can live on a prayer in our -aholic 20s but not so much as we get older), worried for your future, e.g. what if it's like this forever, etc. Be honest with him about your concerns and be willing to listen to his. Work toward problem-solving and solutions, not demands or ultimatums initially. Give it time, but also be clear about what you would like to see happen, why, and when.

Good luck and congrats on the education, job, and engagement!

View Quoted Comment We start pre marital counseling soon and I pray that helps but I think when he lost his job (after being store manager for a year) he’s been in a downward spiral because he would finally find a new job and go through training out of state just for them to turn him down to another prospect. When we moved he literally worked decent jobs but nothing has been consistent and I feel that it’s been depressing for him and this is his way of channeling the topic elsewhere. He’s been working on this business venture for a little while now but not long enough to make a full time thing. I also feel the pressure that society has on working for yourself especially since the pandemic and honestly that’s not the route for everyone at this time. I’ve talked to an elder family member whose been married for 40+ years and I was advised to write a letter expressing my feelings in a calm, yet direct way to avoid bad delivery and confrontation and allow him to understand that this is a non negotiable before we say I do. It’s just weird to even have this conversation with a young man because it’s a job it’s how you live and support your family. I’ve never been through this before so it’s definitely challenging

View Quoted Comment I love this perspective! Thank you so much for the feedback! He used to be an editor for a local newspaper and loves to write so I’m going to write him a letter with my concerns and I hope this approach will be received better! Thank you again!

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How has his mental health been? One thing that may be important to consider is that he may be experiencing some sort of depression at the moment due to the disruption to his routine and loss of work. It would definitely explain his laziness and hesitance to go back to working for something else.

You have some good advice here. If I were you, I would have this discussion before any further wedding planning happens. By choosing to not work, he is changing the whole dynamic of your relationship, both socially and financially. You need to make sure you two are on the same expectation for your futures before moving forward

I honestly think you’re “lucky” to experience this now rather than after you’re married. You’re getting a good taste of “for better and for worse” and “in good times and bad” right now. And the truth us… we all have some s$%t that’s a dealbreaker (and it’s something different for everyone). So, have a serious discussion with him, talk about what has changed and the various impact of it. Then discuss what changes are needed (whether that’s a job, counseling, mental health eval, and/or whatever). Give yourself a timeline to see true actions toward improvements. But have your plan ready if changes don’t occur. Honestly, I totally understand and couldn’t be with a capable and able man who wasn’t a hard worker and go-getter as well. Of course mental health issues are another topic. But, that still requires taking steps toward getting help. However, if mental health isn’t a factor, then there’s no valid excuse in my book. He should be working while pursuing his business goal, until his business is able to be his main career.


Also, I don’t understand “having money until the end of the year”… and then what? That statement and mentality is very telling. I mean, he’s basically fine with blowing through money, while unemployed and watching you work hard alone. Yeah, I’d be pissed and a marriage wouldn’t be anywhere on my mind right now!

So I definitely agree with what the others have said, but I also wanted to add one more thing. Have you guys ever talked about your expectations of what your roles in your relationship look like? You've mentioned a few times that you believe he needs to step up and essentially be a man, but has he ever made it clear that he wants to be working to support you guys?

For example, my fiancé was stuck in a job that was underpaying him with no way to move up for 5 years. He could've applied for other jobs but didn't want to. At first, I had the same thinking you did, that this should be on him to work more to pay off his debts so we can do better off in the long run, but that's not how he wants his life to be. He did switch jobs and is working at a place where he gets crazy overtime and the money is better, but that's been so miserable for us in other ways that the plan is for him to only be there for a few years to help with financing a wedding and starting a family before he switches jobs again.

Your fiancé sounds like he's burnt out and possibly depressed. Talking through all of this with a couple's counselor is probably a good way to go, if you guys can afford it. But keep in mind that the grind you're expecting him to want might not be something he wants to do, and is that okay with you if he doesn't want to.

Other posters have provided some great advice. I agree it sounds like he may be depressed. He also may be insecure about your success and growth and find it easier to not pursue aggressive goals rather than fail at them. The job market is *great* so he’s really just uninterested in working now - which he’s said. However, the longer that goes on the harder it will be to find a job in the future. The gap on his resume is only getting bigger and bigger and it sounds like you’re still early in your careers. He’s self sabotaging- the question is why?

View Quoted Comment We’ve definitely talked about roles and that took a few conversations because we couldn’t compromise on a few things. Even before dating we were both always tied down with work. He’s used to being the lead in a household being that his last relationship they actually lived together and he took care of the bills for the most part. As for me, this is my first relationship where I have lived with someone, whereas, I was working and paying my bills solo. Since he lost his job I feel he’s never found anything he may “enjoy or can see a career” with. He was in such a frantic that he literally applied for the lowest of the low job but he didn’t care he knew he needed to do what a man should do and what he’s always done which was work and contribute in some way financially. He’s had 4 jobs since losing his first one. And now it’s been 6 months that he hasn’t worked. I know his injury did play a part in this but I guess I don’t want to wait until the savings are dried up and another 6 months are so is wasted just because he refuses to see the bigger picture of working to add to the savings and working on your business on the side, making that step for us mentally because it’s causing friction that I truthfully don’t think he will see until it’s too late. It’s kind of hard to have this “dominant” role he claims he wants when the actions don’t line up. I understand cooking, cleaning and taking care of the home is not a man’s natural string suite but at least help out in some way because it’s not fair for me to have the role of maid, cook, and work when there’s two of us in the home and we’re splitting bills. I’m not fond of arguing but when bringing up certain conversations he loves playing devil’s advocate and it’s almost easier to just not bring it up anymore. Working is not just a financial thing but mental too, it would give us time to miss each other and not be glued together 24/7.

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Everyone can cook, clean and work on chores around the house... that has nothing to do with gender. Sounds like you guys need to focus on your communication, possibly with a counselor. It also might be a good idea to postpone wedding plans for a bit until you get things worked out. Good luck! I wish you guys the best.

View Quoted Comment I agree!! Depression and grief is something I have definitely gone through and sometimes it’s hard for me to try to help or encourage him when all of this is mentally and physically weighing on me from time to time too. What disappointments me the most about the situation is that anything we disagree on is petty and truly fixable but small things as such will escalate to something greater later and I want to try to work towards mending things now but the pushback is discouraging. At times I do also feel that maybe an independent companion is something new for him although he says he doesn’t mind it at all, I feel his actions say otherwise.

View Quoted Comment I’m reaching out to a professional premarital counselor to start sessions before our counseling this fall with our pastor because we definitely need it before these small issues grow out of control.


Thank you for your advice, I’ll be sure to update!

I don't come to say anything that hasn't already been said. It definitely sounds like he could very well be depressed. Injury followed by job loss followed by the pandemic will do that to anyone, especially if he seemed to have a good work ethic before. I think counseling will help you both immensely, and he may want to think about getting his own therapist as well. My FH suffered several deaths in his family before we moved in together and then the pandemic hit 2 weeks later. He did not handle the pandemic well, and was severely depressed for many many months. It caused a lot of mental anguish on our relationship. Luckily I recognized the signs because, I've had depression/anxiety disorder for over a decade, but it didn't make it easier to deal with.

Writing a letter is great! I get super emotional when I have difficult conversations so this is a tool i often use.

I truly wish you the best and hope counseling helps you guys learn how to communicate. The last 16 months have decimated many people's mental health. if you can work through this, it will make the 2 of you closer, if you have to step back at least you can say you tried everything.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much Maddie! Your words have definitely put everything in different perspective for me! There has been a lot of loss honestly since we met and truthfully this is Both of our first time dealing with great losses in life so it’s truly a matter of learning how to cope and move on. He did things to help me when I lost my grandmother (literally a month after our first date) and so now I should dig deeper in order to offer that same help during his grief. I truly appreciate your reply!

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OMG you're so welcome. You are so not alone in this, it's happening everywhere. And men are notoriously bad as asking for help or looking vulnerable

I had a nervous breakdown about a year into us dating and though we were younger and he didn't always know how to deal with me at the time, he stuck around and helped me come out the other end. It's even harder when both parties are having trouble because you may feel like the usual person you lean on can't be there because they're going through something too. Some symptoms you might want to look for as well - is he isolating himself from his friends? is he having trouble focusing on stuff?

Your FH planning dates and outings with you may be a way to try and distract himself. While he will have to face the problems he's having, distractions are needed and a respite from mental illness. Maybe try suggesting activities that don't cost much money, like hikes or picnics or dress up for dinner and movie at home. Try to be outside a lot. And definitely give yourself some alone time, I totally agree that without time to miss each other, the relationship can sower. I spent soooooooooo much time in my car during the pandemic, aimlessly driving He started working from home, we live in a studio and he was honestly driving me crazy. Things started to get better once he admitted he was depressed.

Hoping the same outcome for the both of you