Unhappily Married People

FH and I are very much aware of this. Both of us have parents who are still married, but do not enjoy one another (in my case) or can't stand one another (in his). My mom has said to me, "I'm sorry you didn't have better role models in Dad and I for how to resolve conflicts in a marriage."

FH and I are planning to go to pre-marital counseling to give us tools for the long haul. We have also been dating for a long time, and are going into this marriage with knowledge of how each of us handles stress and conflict, and how to relate to one another. We are being intentional about keeping communication open and honest, and about showing affection when we feel it, instead of taking for granted that the other person knows how we feel.

This usually happens for a multitude of reasons, and to answer your question, while it is fairly common, it is definitely NOT normal.

Most of the people in this situation fall into one of a couple of different categories:

1. Married very young or because they felt it was the "next step" and feel like they have to stay married to prove a point/not fail at marriage.

2. There is abuse within the relationship, more often mental/emotional/verbal, and the person hasn't yet reached the point of being ready to leave, but they have emotionally checked out of the marriage.

3. The couple decides to stay together despite the marriage not working/being fulfilling for them because of children/finances/ whatever other reason.

This is also a big possibility in relationships where the courtship/engagement and marriage occur within the honeymoon period of 18-24 months. During that time you are not emotionally capable of seeing a person clearly, and your feelings for them are colored by the intense emotions generated by hormones and the newness of the relationship. For this reason, people are much more willing to rugsweep and deny issues within a relationship and move forward even when it is not in their best interest.

This has absolutely nothing to do with "getting tired" of one another, and everything to do with serious issues within the relationship that have been ignored for far too long. This is another reason I personally feel premarital counseling with a licensed therapist should be mandatory to obtain a marriage license: this type of situation is almost entirely preventable and would more than likely be easily spotted by an outsider.

You don't see this nearly as often in relationships where the couple gets married after a long period together prior to marriage, because they don't have the pressure to "make it work" if things aren't working as couples who are engaged or already married. If they pass the honeymoon phase and realize they are not compatible, they are more likely to walk away because they have less time invested and it will be a much less "public" spectacle if they separate versus breaking off an engagement or ending a marriage.

ETA: I do want to add that events which create resentment within a relationship that was otherwise healthy, when not dealt with, can also lead to this outcome. In other words, it CAN happen in any relationship, it is just much less likely, and as soon as a person realizes there is resentment present, this state can be prevented by attending therapy as a couple to repair the issue that caused the resentment in the first place.

@Liz I agree with you about communication. I took a required training course at work abotu communication and I usually hate those types of things but it made me realize things I can improve on at home.

@MNA that makes sense. I think in the case of many of the couples I am thinking of, they got married because they found out that the woman was pregnant or it was just considered the right thing to do after dating for a certain period of time back when they were younger.

My FH always tells me that we have been together longer than many people have been married so he doesn't see how being married will change our relationship.

@M2NVA: Pregnancy would fall under staying together for the kids. Marrying as the "next logical step" falls under #1.

Marriage absolutely *should* change things, though. There should be a new mindset, that the relationship is now permanent and just walking away is no longer an option.

That is actually the driving force behind the whole "living together before marriage divorce rate" statistic people like to (ignorantly) quote. People living together before marriage CAN (not will, but can) lose that sense of change in the relationship status when it goes from engagement to marriage. These are often the people who also state they view marriage as just a "piece of paper." This mindset change, from engaged to married, is key in encouraging couples to work harder at solving problems within the relationship before being willing to call it quits. Couples who view the relationship as the same after marriage however, retain the mindset of a "single" person: that they can just walk away if they decide they don't want to continue in the relationship anymore.

That seemingly minor shift in mindset can make a huge difference when a marriage hits hard times, as to whether a couple will truly give their all in repairing or making it through, or struggle and possibly give up when things get difficult.

I see what you are saying MNA. We have been living together for 6 years and I think splitting up would not be easy because we have so much of our lives intertwined, but getting divorced would be even more difficult. So I see how being married will be somewhat different.

I think the real change in mindset will be if we have kids. I always tell people that is the most important decision you can make because you will never really be walking away from the person you have kids with (hopefully). Even if you split up, they will be a part of your life.

FH is very worried about this. He was married once before and his ex just moved out and had him served with divorce papers one day. No inkling that anything was wrong, no fighting leading up to it, nothing. He's very hesitant to trust since then and thinks, I think, that I will do the same to him. He's grown so much in the last 4 years that we've been together and now that we've been together even longer than he knew his ex-wife, he sees that we are a much more stable situation.

I work in family law, so I'm confronted with divorce every single day and have an intimate view of the break down of lots of marriages. From what I've observed the most common thing that causes a divorce is a lack of effort: in appreciating each other, in communicating to each other, and to loving each other.

It's scary but I've seen this too. I actually have an aunt who is married but they sleep in different rooms. Their kids are older - early to mid twenties. When you see them you can tell they annoy each other but have remained together all these years. These are people that have just given up.

My grandparents are like this. We interviewed them as part of our premarital counseling and it was eye opening. After talking with them, FH and I sat down and figured out how to never let that happen to us, and agreed that if we ever started acting anything similar to the way they did we would immediately go to counseling.

@MJ a few of my childhood friend's parents sleep in different rooms, some even live in separate homes part of the year.

@MJ: Sleeping in separate rooms isn't an indicator of relationship health. Some people just don't sleep well with another person in bed. Sometimes there are issues like severe sleep apnea and the snoring keeps the other spouse awake. Sometimes, it's as simple as one not being able to sleep in a quiet room while the other requires silence and total darkness to sleep.

How these people behave toward each other and whether or not they still share a high level of intimacy (which generally includes sex barring any medical barrier) is a much better gauge or marital health.

FH's parents are like this! They "don't believe in dicorce" so they just constantly fight and call FH yelling about how they are going to divorce every 3 weeks. Just get a divorce already.

The reason divorce rates are up is because it's more socially acceptable now to get divorced when you're in a shitty marriage. In the past---for our grandparents, or even our parents, it wasn't as accepted, so they stayed in shitty marriages when they should have cut bait and run.

Divorce rates going up aren't always a bad thing.

AMW I agree. That is why I said people always talk about divorce but they don't talk about all the people that stay married but are unhappy.

I hope this never happens to us. We know that there will be ups and downs and I think it's important to keep romantic love alive. It definitely will take effort I'm sure. I am very set on being happy though and if 20 years from now I don't feel happy and I've tried all I can I have no problem ending the relationship. I will always choose happiness.

This is, hands down, the best and most interesting article I've ever read on what makes relationships succeed or fail. I'm not saying it's the final and only authority on the topic. But it's a great read!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11?client=safari

@Runaway that was a very interesting read! I can see the correlation

I'm not really worried. When I love someone very much, like a family member, pet, or SO, It'll turn into unconditional love (unless there is a good reason). My SO and I are so much a like in a good way that we are both quiet, laid back, and introverted that we communicate with each other really well. I even know that our relationship will be just fine when we have kids because of our calm personalities. I was an early childhood teacher of all ages, so I already know I don't really get stressed out. We're always goofing around and he makes me laugh all the time. Even in the midst of us arguing, I still look at his face and think how cute he is.

My parents were together for 22 years until my dad passed away. He had cancer exactly during those 22 years, so our lives as a family and their relationship was difficult. My mom had to take care of him. They were both depressed for a good portion of my time growing up. There were times when there was tension between them and they separated for a hot minute. But, in the end they loved each other so much that they were soul mates. At my wedding, I'm walking down the aisle to a song called "True Companion." The song reminds me of their relationship because at the end of the song, the lyrics are:

When the years have done irreparable harm

I can see us walking slowly arm in arm

Just like the couple on the corner do

Cause girl I will always be in love with you

And when I look in your eyes

I'll still see that spark

I can see our relationship being that way, too, if we will it.

Good read @Runawaybride. I think I have read about this study before and I have also heard that contempt is a relationship killer. I took a social engineering class for work a few years ago and they described how you can see in the interactions with coupes whether they will be together long term or not and contempt was a look to notice.

Remember that divorce is expensive. Most of the people I know who are unhappy and still married can't afford the divorce. The rest stay together for the kids