Unhappily Married People

My parents have both been divorced multiple times. My moms currently on her 5th marriage to ex husband #4 (although she claims menopause caused that divorce). I was very afraid of this. I'd never seen a long lasting happy relationship until I met FH.

FMIL & FFIL have been married for 40 years. They're still incredibly happy and hold hands and kiss and stare longingly at each other across the table.

They say the key is taking time every day just the two of them to sit together in a quiet place and just talk. Check in. See how the other ones doing.

The other thing they suggest is to be honest. Even if you know it's not what the other wants to hear. Even white lies are not okay. You need to have everything on the table at all times so nothing pops up or festers from within.

FFIL was married before and never made time in the day to talk to his ex. He says that's why he and FMIL starting doing it.

Marriage is hard work. Both people have to be dedicated, willing to compromise, and honest. If you're those things and your FH is too, you can make it work.

Some of the best love/marriage advice I ever got was from my mother. She and my father have been happily married for 32 years. She told me, "I haven't always liked your father, but I've always loved him". I agree 1000% that love is a CHOICE you make every day! There will be times that life is hard and stressful... that you won't agree, you won't get along, the romance and intimacy will wane... but if you take care of your marriage you will still LOVE each other.

I think too many people get married for the wrong reasons- because it seems like the likely next step, because they dated the person for a long time, because they got pregnant, because of family pressure, etc. or they get married too young, too quickly, before they really know each other or know themselves -- for whatever reason, they don't have that strong foundation of love. Or they have issues they don't address before the marriage - they don't fight fair, they don't communicate well, they don't treat each other with respect. Then they get married and expect the person to change, or things to somehow magically be different because they are married! They think love is all roses, romance, sex, champagne gifts, etc. HA! That's not real life!

Love and marriage is also not 50/50. Sometimes it will be! However, there will be many more seasons of life when you can only give a much smaller percentage - maybe due to illness, or work commitments, or raising children. If the other person still only gives their 50, then your marriage won't be at 100%. Marriage and love is a give-and-take of forgiveness, honesty, and caring. I feel its all about the little things, being grateful for each other, and not taking each other for granted.

@AnnaKay well said. I agree with working on always loving each other even when you don't like each other

I'm in my second marriage and can tell you right now that the majority of people like that either; settled for the wrong person and knew it on their wedding day (like I did the first time I got married) or have kids that they stay together for. My parents have been married for 39 years and to this day they still flirt with each other and you can tell they are very much in love still. It has taken a lot of hard work & there were times they fought like crazy but they were and always have been committed to their love for each other. I think that's what makes the difference, true love. I'm in my second marriage now and I've never felt the way I did about my first one. I've been with my DH for twelve years and we are still in love. We just got married this year. If you work at keeping the love alive & you're marrying the right person, you have nothing to worry about.

I think it's bullshit. I also think some people get married to get married and I also think some people take marriage too lightly.

Love is a choice and some days are harder than others, however I think that we have to appreciate the core of our spouse to be able to get through the tough times.

For instance, my husband cannot manage time to save his life. He is always doing things at the last minute and is always stressed. It drives me INSANE, but this is his worst quality. For that, I know I am lucky. He is not mean, he always respects me, and he would never yell or raise his voice to me. In fact, I am the scary one. I also know I am not perfect and that there are things about me that drive him insane. We are still a team and always pleasant to each other even when we don't agree. I think it is so awesome that I have someone who is 100% team me and I am 100% team him.

We are both also lucky that our parents (both couples) are still happily married. Our grandparents were also happily married. My sister is also happily married. We have been surrounded by great examples.

My parents told me that if I were to get married that the person I pick would be the most important decision of my life. I took their advice to heart and ended a 6 year relationship because I wasn't happy. I was also too young and selfish to have any self reflection. I loved my ex, but I didn't marry him. I met my husband 2 years later and am SO much happier. I am also less selfish.

Some people get swept up in the concept.

I just read the study, and honestly, there's nothing there that wasn't already known. It has been known for years that contempt and resentment in a relationship are a huge hallmark for breakups and divorce, if there isn't some type of intervention to help correct the issues that caused these feelings. It doesn't have to be present in both partners, either, just one. It can happen in any relationship. The issue lies with recognizing it, and then being willing to fix the issue instead of rugsweeping it.

Contempt is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse in couples therapy. The others are criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Any of thee, when they appear frequently within a relationship, are obvious to outsiders and signal a relationship is reaching a point of no return as far as deterioration is concerned.

@annakay that was so beautifully said and I love your mamas advice

My FH and I have been together for 18 years. When I travel I definitely miss him and try to get home as quickly as possible. We make sure our schedules coincide as much as possible. I can't imagine getting tired of him - but we always try to have new experiences so we don't have the opportunity to get tired of each other.

Ugh. This was my parents. I got so many reminders growing up that they were just staying together for me and my brother, and that if it weren't for us they would divorce. Finally, my brother and I had to sit them down and tell them that this was helping no one, and that if they wanted to split up they should split up but if they chose not to then they had to stop making us feel guilty over it.

They separated a month later.

I don't even think they even realized how bad it was for us. They honestly thought they were doing the right thing for us, but they were so unhappy that they just had to talk about it and we were the only people to talk to because they hated each other.

I've always sworn that I would leave an unhappy marriage, and I stand by that. But I hope it's a choice I never have to make.

I've never thought about this. It's not a worry for me because of how strong our communication is, and how easily we evolve and grow as time goes on and things happen. We also have learned (and are still learning) how to find an equal give/take ratio. In relationships in general, I have tended to be a major taker and FH was always a over-giver. But in our relationship, I want to give as much as I take, and FH now asks/takes almost as much as he gives.

We talk about different aspects of our relationship every day in a very casual way. We are always telling each other why we love the other and reminding ourselves what brought us together in the first place. We constantly show affection and support. And we still date! We also evolve; we don't fall into habits. We change up our terms of endearment and our little personal love signals. And we laugh at ourselves and have fun.

On the other side of things, we discuss negative aspects (like annoying habits) as they come up instead of letting numerous little things build up. It avoids that fight about the dishes that's not really about the dishes. And anything negative is almost always due to outside grief and not geared directly toward each other (bad moods, bad days). But we recognize that it's not personal and we react appropriately with comfort and love instead of more negativity.

My fiancé and I have been together 8 years and it's definitely hard to feel passionate like we used to. We are definitely super comfortable around each other now. I miss those "butterflies" and nervous feelings. But I still love him so much and don't want to live without him by my side. I also worry about this bc I hear the same things about married couples. It is scary.

When my exH and I split, I had no idea he was unhappy enough to call it over. We had had rough patches and things weren't awesome, but I was working hard and still very much in love, and one day he says he's done. Boom. Over. I was utterly floored. As it turned out, he has been checked out of the relationship and miserable with me for TWO YEARS without telling me. I somehow remained in the dark about just how bad things were.

This is what I think about when I hear someone griping about their spouse so unhappily. I wonder if their spouse is still committed and just doesn't realize how bad it has become for the other person. Also, divorce is massively expensive and a pain in the ass. ExH and I had zero shared property and no kids and it was still awful. I can't fathom trying to get out of a more deeply entrenched relationship.

I'm very lucky to be surrounded mostly by happily married couples. My parents, both sets of grandparents, my FILs, all adore their spouses. I have always hoped to have a relationship like my grandparents have. I recently drove them to a doctor's appointment for my grandma and was struck anew by how deep their love runs. At their 50th wedding anniversary they talked about their secrets to being happily married for so long, and I feel like I should talk to them about it again before marrying FH.

I don't worry about FH and I becoming that unhappy couple, we are both too brutally honest and candid with each other to let unhappiness sit quietly, and neither of us is the kind of person to sit idly in misery.

@Orchids with the people I work with, I do wonder if their spouses feel the same way. I have never met them so I do not know. With my neighbor, I know his wife loves him very much. Every time he is gone she talks about him and you can just tell by the way she speaks that she misses him. I kinda think he is just a jerk. With the parents of my childhood friends I feel like it is growing apart. In several situations the husband's have become more of homebodies and the wives, now retired and empty nesters, want to travel and go out. So they do these things with their kids and grandkids instead of their husbands. Several have described that they see their husband as more of a roommate or friend at this point.

Following.. Good post and good answers!

I think it's normal to think this way, it's even easier to think about it if you have examples of it around you. FH's parents are an example of this. Been married for 27 yrs and 3 kids later and they don't even spend time together unless it's a family event. I remember at one point she told me she'd be happier divorced but she stays more so because he is the bread winner.

Marriages take work and if you're not willing to put the work in then it won't work.

@SoontobeMrs.2017, Yikes. I would hate to know that someone stays with me just to pay their bills. I know this happens though.

Yeah I could never see myself doing that! I give her the side eye sometimes because I don't think it's right.

DH has an aunt and uncle like this. They don't seem to care for each other's company much. The only time we see or hear of them being together is at family events and even then all they do is bicker. His uncle has made a few comments before about the cost of divorce so it makes it seem like they may be staying together more for financial reasons instead of actual love for each other. He also warned Jason to not get married.

@JaKLyn I hate warnings like that. I feel like people should at least give us a chance and not assume we will end up unhappy. I would prefer constructive warning like "Make sure you communicate" or "Don't do XYZ when you are angry"

@Miami I think their biggest issue was getting married too soon. I completely understand that people used to get married faster and it was the norm, but it doesn't always work. He said his wife changed after they got married. I honestly think it has more to do with the fact that she changed due to growing up and them getting to know each other better, and wasn't directly related to them getting married. They also got married about 9 months into the relationship. I feel like if you let marriage completely change you after a 5 year relationship with someone there is a chance you weren't being 100% yourself.