Unhappily Married People

This freaks me out a little because FH side of the family are basically all divorced (my in-laws included) Its like a domino effect, once they're all in their mid 40s they start divorcing. Sometimes I feel like they're cursed or something. It just makes me sad to see these wonderful people go their separate ways I guess.

Definitely something I worry about. However my grandparents have been together for over 60 years and while they both kind of do their own thing they still love coming home at the end of the day to each other. They had a pretty crazy life with my grandpa in the military while grandma was raising 7 kids but they managed to work through all of the problems they encountered and watching them my whole life has made me aspire to have a relationship such as theirs. Both FH and I have divorced parents so it is scary for us, I dont think you should stay together if there is no longer love but I think it is something you have to work hard at and not just give up on entirely.

So true.. my grandparents been together since they were 16 , had kids and got married at 21 they been married for 50 years but every since I can remember growing up they always argued and got on eachother nerves, now that they are in there 70's they get on eachother nerve 100xs more lol my elderly grandma use to say I'm going to move out and get my own place lol even though she really didn't mean it

@JaKLyn I agree. I generally say people should wait until 25 or older to get married. Many things change in your 20's and the friends I have that got divorced got married young. Of course a 21 year old doesn't like to hear this and will do what they want either way.

Yeah I get that. We got married young (23 and 25) but I feel better about going into it after 5 years together. I feel like after a kid and 5 years invested in the relationship we had a good grasp on what works for us, the amount of work marriage can take and that we were compatible together.

@OHP Exactly!! I work hard so that I never have to be in that situation either. My mom left my dad because he was a serial cheater and raised my sister and I alone. My dad was in the military so he was making decent money, but she didn't stay married for that reason.

I don't think you should worry.... When there's true love, it will always be there. When there's friendship, caring, respect and appreciation, it will always be there. This is my 2nd marriage (and last one. lol) and it still feels Awesome, just as when we were dating. We go out and call it our dates.

I think the secret to a good marriage is to keep doing those lil things that were so special in the beginning...Love, respect, laugh, kid around and even flirt with each other, and do fun things together: a mini vacation, a weekend trip, a flea market hunt, a museum, a concert, a stroll around a fresh market...something new, something fun, an adventure to enjoy and make memories together! For each other's birthdays and Xmas, we surprise one another with a fun activity as a gift, along with other goodies. These other gifts could be silly lil things that will make him laugh, or another great metal tin sign for his man-cave! We already have pretty much everything we need(although I could always use a new lens. lol), but we rather go somewhere fun, than getting a new shirt or pair of pjs lol. We just got our Disney Annual passes, I haven't been there in 5 yrs, and Greg hasn't been there since Gradnite. lol So we can't really wait, as we are big fans of theme parks.

Please don't listen to all those negative people telling you not to get married, when they know you are getting married. Its very mean of them...They are seriously unhappy with their lives, and probably jealous...

Getting married is solidifying one's relationship and taking it to the next level...and there's absolutely nothing more fun that hoping in that trip together with the one you love

Andrea

@Andrea: As someone who made the mistake of marrying at 20 and ending up with someone whose changes were unpredictably significant and negative, I just want to say that your ASSumption that people warning a young bride to wait until physiological and psychological changes are done is not done out of being "unhappy with their lives, and probably jealous...". It's done out of the wisdom of experience and hoping to save others the heartache and pain that we ourselves had to go through because we were too bull-headed to listen back then when WE were offered similar wisdom.

Your comment was incredibly ignorant, condescending, and judgmental. Gross.

@MNA if Andrea's comment was directed at me, I am not a young bride. I share your sentiments about young marriage.

As an update I realized that I can't really predict what will happen when we are in our 50's and 60's. I ate lunch with a friend of mine this week. She and her husband are in their 40's and she told me they are very happily married and gave some of the same advice as you MNA. She said a lot of people married young or got married for the wrong reasons.

So for now, I think this is something that is useless to worry about but important to keep in the back of my mind to make sure we are doing what we can to remain happy and are willing to walk away from the relationship if we are no longer happy.

@M2NVA: I took Andrea's comment to be directed toward anyone/everyone who discourages young marriage, and to be fair, even if you weren't married young, you still have the hindsight to be able to recognize the significance of changes that occurred between 18-25, and how that would have likely impacted a relationship you were in at that time.

That said, your friend is definitely right. There are a million ways to prevent it, but they all boil down to one main thing: never stop courting your spouse. A lot of couples reach marriage and relax, and stop "trying" in the relationship, and then they fall into the loop of they don't feel special anymore, so they don't feel like trying to make their spouse feel special, which makes the spouse not want to do things to make THEM feel special, and it's a vicious loop that takes its toll over time.

I know a lot of people will tell you that after children come into a relationship, they need to be #1. Truth is, it has been studied extensively, and found that it's better for couples AND their children if the couple puts their SPOUSE first, then the children, because this teaches the child that they are 1: not the center of the universe, 2: that their parents are just as important to each other as they are to their parents, and 3: it models a good, healthy relationship and interactions to the children, that they will later use as a framework for their own relationships. Putting kids first is a HUGE contributor to suffering relationships, and while that of course doesn't mean ignore your kids, it does mean that even after little ones enter the picture, your spouse should remain a priority, even if that means getting a sitter once in awhile or letting the kids watch a movie while you have mommy and daddy time.