Uninvited kids at the ceremony

I can only tell you what I would do in this situation and that would be to tell them that it's there decision to attend or not. There are no children allowed. Period. If that means they choose not to attend, then they'll be missed.

You have done everything to try and accommodate them by not only suggesting a babysitter, but even offering to pay for one. That was very generous of you. Bottom line is that they are throwing a temper tantrum and trying to bully you and your fiancé and bad behavior should not be rewarded.

Also to add, that if you give in to their nonsense, they will learn that they can pull this behavior in the future when they aren't getting their way and you will give in. Nip it in the bud now.

If you really don't want kids at the wedding then you need to be prepared for people to not attend at all if they're kids can't come. I am having no kids at mine and have cousins who told me they aren't coming since their kids can't come and that's fine by me.

I wouldn't give in, it's not their day and should respect your wishes. I also wouldn't want a "wiggly and shrieking baby" especially during the ceremony where it is supposed to be quiet and intimate.

At the end of the day, it's up to you and FH. If you tell them point blank, no kids/babies, be prepared for them not to come and be okay (and respectful) of their decision. Explain that if you allow their child to be there, it's not fair for everyone else to have to find sitters. That puts you in a hard spot of why some were allowed and others not. Also, you want it to be a completely quiet and intimate ceremony and don't want a crying baby memory to look back on.

View Quoted Comment Yeah we know that some won’t come. That’s A-OK. If we invites them all we’d have like 15 kids. I’m just upset that they’ve made this dramatic decision. He straight up told us “you’re trying to separate our family and we just can’t have that”. It’s jist a huge bummer that they’re making it about them.

View Quoted Comment

You have done all you can to try and accommodate them. It does suck but try to just move past it. If they decide to miss it, that is on them.

I see both sides of the story:

From their point of view, I don't think I'd 1.) leave my baby at home when I am traveling so far away and 2.) trust a babysitter that I've never met/don't know. However, I think most couples should be accommodating of children under 1. If she is breastfeeding, she should be allowed to have her baby with her. We did not invite children but two people brought their babies to our wedding. They sat in the back and the babies kept quiet during the ceremony. If they would have cried, the mothers knew to step outside with them to not disturb the wedding. It's usually common sense.

From your point of view, I understand not wanting the possible disruption, but otherwise there really isn't an argument for the baby not to attend other than the sole fact that you don't want it there. A baby really wouldn't take the attention away from you either, its your day. If it cries for a minute, people will still watch and listen to you. It was really nice of you to offer the babysitter, but you can't force people to leave their children with strangers in another state.

With the no-kid rule you should be prepared for them to chose their kid over your wedding, and you shouldn't be upset about it. I'd move past it, as this is just something that comes with implimenting that rule.

View Quoted Comment Future Mrs. KC, I totally understand. And we’re not asking them to leave the baby in Hawaii. We aren’t even asking for them not to bring her at all (which is what we’re asking of our close friends and cousins who have babies). We’re asking that she sit with a babysitter or her mom in the reception space (50 yards away) during the ceremony. The ceremony will last 20 minutes, I just don’t understand how that isn’t understandable to them. Yes we’re family but it’s our wedding and ultimately our choice. I don’t feel like I have a good relationship with my family because “we’re family and we have to” we have a good relationship because we all want to put in the work to make it happen. And I also believe that if family is toxic you’re allowed to distance yourself from them and make a choice that’s best for you regardless of if you happened to be born from the same parents.

Your fiance’s brother is rude for throwing a fit about this. Your day your decisions. If one of my fiance’s siblings was being that rude I honestly wouldn’t want them there anyway. That kind of ultimatum is ridiculous and they’re selfish for trying to force you to let them all attend, I definitely would not want a baby disrupting our ceremony. I would stick to your guns.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with Rachel. I couldn't have put it better!!

As a mother myself, I think you’re putting too much thought into this. I’m sure the mom doesn’t want to trust a random babysitter, or have to miss the ceremony herself. Not fair to tell her either she misses the ceremony or leaves her baby with a stranger during ceremony. What I would do is, tell them they can bring her to the ceremony. BUT, if she starts making any sorts of noises, one of them needs to walk her out until she stops. I’ve been to plenty of weddings where the infants sat quietly. She may even sleep through it honestly. This is just not a battle worth fighting, it’s your infant niece.

Providing a sitter who is on premises or nearby with the baby, just during the ceremony, is a very reasonable thing for you to offer. If they do not want it, there is a place on the rsvp card to politely decline. Don't be bullied. She has no valid reason why a baby need be in the short ceremony itself.

There are no children allowed. I don't understand what more they could expect of you if you've already offered to pay for a sitter for the ceremony time. They are being completely unreasonable.

View Quoted Comment Ugh. Thank you!! That’s how I feel too! I don’t feel like I need to spend hours explaining myself. It’s what we want at our wedding. They got what they wanted at theirs now it’s our turn.

View Quoted Comment Maybe that’s exactly how you should put it to them. We did exactly as you asked for your wedding, now it’s our wedding, so return the favor !

View Quoted Comment As a mother myself, I handed my babies over to nurses, to various medical office child minders, so I could have tests and exams after theirs, and continued on to trust them to the care of area teens as mother's helpers, with me nearby. It is good preparation for later going on play dates and staying short times with other mothers, and relatives, and learning to accept that temporarily, their parents' care and authority is handed to someone else, and parents always come back. Developmental precursor for learning to trust adults labeled safe by their parents. Necessary for any good medical care, story hours, preschool and school. When a nurse, now PT, I found it awful to care for kids whose parents never entrusted them to the care of others, even in the next room. They were uniformly terrified the first time they needed to be in a hospital or emergency place, whether for themselves or just waiting while a parent was tended to. If this mother will not allow her child to be in the next room with a babysitter who has previously been checked out, I feel sorry for the child. Like helicopter parents who think it right to do everything themselves for their kids, they raise either very dependent or very rebellious kids to young adulthood. Poorly socialized. So even among mothers, not all say a babysitter for half an hour or so is a bad thing.

View Quoted Comment Love it! Thanks for your input. I was a nanny for 2.5 years. The baby was 11 weeks when I started and now she’s 4 and will be my flower girl! I would never expect them to hand their baby over to a babysitter who wasn’t top of the line. But at the end of the day it’s my wedding and it’s our wishes, it’s also 20 minutes and not the whole 5 hours. Kids in general aren’t invited at all. They’ve disregarded this and are bringing her and then demanding that she be there for the ceremony too.


We’re sticking to our decision and they will (not) be missed if they decide to be so selfish on our day.

View Quoted Comment Lol you’re nuts. No one said I never hand my kid over, but a babysitter I’ve never met is different. She’s been on plenty of play dates where we know the parents, obviously handed over to nurses too. There’s a total difference between not knowing someone and not trusting them, than being a helicopter parent. Get over yourself.

View Quoted Comment Get over myself? Really?

View Quoted Comment Not you. I was referring to Judith. You’re fine.