Hi there everyone! First of all I just want to preface this by saying that I feel like a truly horrible person for doing this but I feel in my heart that it might be the right thing for me to do, personally. That being said, I would love some advice.
My bf proposed to me while we were away on vacation this summer. It was a beautiful and blissful day and as many of you know, the next thought after all is said and done is, “Who do we need to announce to? Which parents, relatives, etc?” Beyond that, there are just so many emotions that everything is just sort of a blur. We called all of our parents and grandparents, my siblings, and my bf and I called our friend (who is also our roommate) to ask him to be the best man. Then a day later we made a FB announcement to our friends and that was that.
Fast forward a week later, and we arrive home from our vacation. We have two roommates who are a couple, and as you know, we asked our friend (let’s call him A) to be our best man. I have decided at this point that I am not going to invite anyone to be my bridesmaid for a year or so. When we get home, my girl roommate (let’s call her K) will not speak to us. She had not texted, called, or even so much as “liked” our fb announcement post, and now she is giving us the cold shoulder. This is a little strange considering we are friendly with each other and have lived together for 3 years, and this is generally something you would congratulate a friend for.
When I ask her what is wrong, she cries to us and says that she is happy for us, but was upset that we didn’t tell her when we told A. It was a slew of “I’m happy for you, but...” statements. Meanwhile, I was upset that she was managing to make me feel guilty for one of the happiest moments in my life, and I felt that it was selfish that she was making this special moment about her. But I set aside these emotions for the time being, and assured her that it was 100% not intentional that we didn't reach out to her personally. We simply thought that A would tell her, and we really didn't announce to anyone other than our families.
Long story short, I tell her that she can be a bridesmaid (in my mind, to keep the peace). After all, I’d considered her more or less a friend for the last 3 years we had lived together. But with another 10 months on the lease (and the knowledge that she can be very manipulative, narcissistic, and passive aggressive when she wants to be and could easily make my life a living hell for the next 10 months if I didn’t), I felt backed into a corner. Besides, I felt sorry for her, because she was convincing me that somehow I had done something horrible to her.
Once again, we are generally civil, and even friends at times, but as time has gone on she has been more and more cruel to me. Belittling me, passive aggressive, ACTUALLY aggressive, and so on. I feel emotionally drained and manipulated by her because she can be just so nice and cool at times, which is the only reason I’ve stuck around with her as a roomie for as long as I have. I am also very close with her bf.
Anyway, this has left me in a predicament. I can’t in good conscience let her be a bridesmaid at my wedding when she has been a periodic bully to me for the better part of 2 years. I don’t even think I’ll make an effort to stay in touch with her once this lease is over. And considering the way she handled my engagement announcement, I know she will find a way to make my wedding about her, or at the very least, make me feel less happy just by bringing along her bad vibes/juju. It's not that she can't come to the wedding though, it's that I don't want her to be IN it with all of this history.
I am not getting married for another 2 years, so I have time to approach this situation, but I figure sooner is better than later. Can anyone give me some advice on how to approach this? Or should I just suck it up and keep her as a bridesmaid? Once again, I feel horrible about this decision either way but I think I need to do what’s best for myself here.
