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Just Said Yes October 2020

Unreliable moh

Ariel, on November 11, 2019 at 9:07 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 11

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After I got engaged a couple months ago I quickly knew I wanted my best friend of 4 years to be my MOH and her daughter (my god daughter) to be one of my flower girls. However, I’ve very quickly realized I made the wrong choice as my Best friend is very unreliable and doesn’t exactly have her life in order. To spare you all the details: she doesn’t have a job (hasn’t had one for more than a few weeks at a time since her daughter was born), doesn’t have reliable transportation, and never has any money, in fact she asks me for money almost daily and she always has, but I usually tell her “no”. She is my best friend but I know she takes advantage of our friendship. I didn’t want to remove her from my bridal party but my fiancé thinks it’s best since she more than likely won’t be able to plan my bridal shower, bachelorette party or even get herself a dress or her daughters dress. She also lives over 3 hours away and I barely hear from her. I know having her as my MOH will lead to more hassle than anything but I don’t want to ruin our friendship. What is a kind way to explain that I don’t want to add more financial burden onto her when she already has enough going on but I also need someone reliable to help me plan and at the very least, buy their own stuff for the wedding. Thank you in advance!

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11 Comments

Latest activity by Stephanie, on November 12, 2019 at 4:17 PM

Champion October 2018
Kelly · on November 11, 2019 at 9:31 PM
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It’s not the MOH responsibility to plan the bachelorette or shower. I would just talk to her and make sure she knows she will need to get a dress and find transportation to your wedding. If those don’t sound like things she can do then she can be a guest. But I would leave the decision up to her and what she thinks is feasible.
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Devoted August 2021
Erika · on November 11, 2019 at 9:31 PM
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I'm sure your friend will understand. At end of the day you not putting the "burden" of being MOH on her is actually for her own good.
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Savvy August 2021
Michelle · on November 11, 2019 at 9:55 PM
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What about having two? A maid of honor and matron of honor? And just pick a matron if honor that is reliable. People do that all the time or even have two maids of honor and everyone seems to understand it. Tell her something nice like you don’t want her to feel burdened with all the responsibility of doing it all alone.
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Master 0000
Judith · on November 11, 2019 at 10:41 PM
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This. As showers or bachelorettes can be planned by any individual or s all group of close women family and friends, often but not necessarily in wedding party, it would be unfair to fault her for not doing those, even if she were rich . But the cost of her own dress, transportation, and separately, possibly her daughter's, seems beyond her means. Talk to about only those things , and if she has a plan, or really will be unable to afford that much .
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Devoted December 2019
Stefanie · on November 11, 2019 at 11:20 PM
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Maybe try to talk to her first to see if she could at least buy their dresses (maybe she could at least buy her daughters dress) and try not to expect anything else from her, she doesn’t necessarily has to plan your bachelorette and that way maybe you can find middle ground together
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Super September 2020
Amber · on November 11, 2019 at 11:43 PM
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Sounds like my situation with mine cousin I first had her as my moh but then I know how she's not reliable to even respond back to a text sje never nevers her phone n she always says she's coming to whatever I invite her n she just never shows up. Just frustrating.
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Super June 2020
Renee · on November 12, 2019 at 12:09 AM
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You are already stressed out and you haven’t said anything to her yet. Be prepared for a complete meltdown and backlash. Hopefully she’s been feeling the same way but couldn’t find a way to tell you.
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Super July 2018
Brittany · on November 12, 2019 at 11:58 AM
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As far as the shower and bachelorette go, someone else can plan those so don't worry too much about that. The real stress is going to be her getting a dress and actually getting to the wedding. My MIL is similar to your friend, at the time of our wedding she had no job, an unreliable car, lives 2 hours from where the wedding was and her 3 youngest were in our wedding as junior bridesmaids and a flower girl. I bought the 2 junior bridesmaid dresses. She bought her dress and the flower girl dress like 2 weeks before the wedding, and told us 2 DAYS before the wedding she could no longer afford the hotel room so she said she couldn't make the rehearsal, then her father offered to pay for her room so that was solved but she then changed it to, she can't drive the car that far. so... our thoughts were how would she even get to the wedding then. Thankfully it got all sorted out and they came for the rehearsal and stayed in the hotel room so they were there for the wedding the next day. But TRULY not the type of stress you want TWO days before the wedding.
The thing is, some people in your friends situation always think everything will change in the future, so if you talk to her about coming up with the money for a dress and actually getting to the wedding, she'll assume she can, but when the day comes that might not be the case. If you think asking her to step down will ruin the friendship then don't do it. Just have a second MOH and mentally prepare for this friend to not show up.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on November 12, 2019 at 3:16 PM
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MOHs and BMs aren't required to plan anything as PPs have already mentioned. I'm sorry you regret your choice, but asking her to step down would be a friendship destroying move. If you really feel she's taking advantage of your friendship with her, maybe it's for the best. If you want to continue the friendship, I'd leave things alone
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Expert February 2020
Kristal · on November 12, 2019 at 3:29 PM
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If you expected her to plan a bunch of parties, you should have told her that when you asked her. However, it doesn't sound like she is likely do the basics that are required. I think some of the PPs are spot on when they say you should have a serious conversation with her about her ability to pay for her dress and her daughter's dress at minimum.
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Super July 2020
Stephanie · on November 12, 2019 at 4:17 PM
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Explain to her that it will be too much of a burden for you as well to buy everything for them for the wedding plus have your won budget set for the wedding and live and maintain your monthly bills also.
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